AGREE TO DISAGREE?

I find myself beginning to appreciate something I used to hate as a child, something I felt was filled with disdain and put-downs and which I felt emotionally inept at participating in – that something was ‘vigorous discussion’. In our family, discussions often turned heated and even hostile. I would get so emotional I couldn’t compete with some family members’ forcefulness, especially those who seemed to find amusement in others’ agitation or passion. Invariably I would get so emotional I would just storm off, (definitely contributing to my desire to learn how to manage emotions!)

Nevertheless, discussion remained to some degree a part of my life, and as I learned to manage my emotions better, (particularly needed when one of my more passionate opinions was challenged!) I also learned to recognise the value of discussion in accepting differing points of view and in taking me out of my comfort zone, thereby expanding my mind. I learned that getting along with each other is not synonymous with concurrent opinions, and that there is such a thing as healthy conflict.

However, in the last couple of years my view of the inevitability of healthy discussion and disagreements during life’s journey has been challenged, and challenged too often to be ignored.

It seems that many of us are becoming less and less willing to handle differences of opinion, and more and more inclined to judge and condemn outright those who may have a differing view, even before any kind of dialog has begun, never mind having a discussion. I am not referring to any subject matter in particular, but rather a trend both on social media and in ‘real’ life that is creating more rigidity, intolerance and blame and less and less of what we really need; resilience, tolerance, compassion, and emotionally intelligence.

Whether this is due to increasingly divisive and hostile political atmospheres, growing vitriol on social media or a combination of many other factors, it certainly isn’t helped by the algorithms of social media that only feeds us more of whatever perspective we already agree with, leaving our opinions unchallenged and our comfort zone firmly intact.

Although these algorithms create an environment that meets our need to connect with like-minded people in like-minded groups, all too often those same groups allow no dissent and offer only facts that support our beliefs, making it easy to ignore any evidence that our perception could be wanting or even mistaken. The momentary sense of belonging such exclusivity brings creates internal narratives –storylines we tell ourselves– that actually fuel isolation, prejudice, and create feelings of defensiveness, leading to anxiety and even fear.

Psychologist and author Brene Brown puts it this way; “When we feel isolated, disconnected, we try to protect ourselves. In that mode we want to connect, but our brain is attempting to override connection with self-protection. That means less empathy, more defensiveness, more numbing.” Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, has studied fear since before 9/11. “For the moment, most of us are either making the choice to protect ourselves from conflict, discomfort and vulnerability by staying quiet, or picking sides. Either way, the choices we’re making to protect our beliefs and ourselves are leaving us disconnected, afraid and lonely.”

I wonder if our new Minister for Loneliness here in the UK has made this connection, that there is a significant relationship between unchallenged opinions and loneliness? (Yes, for those of you in other countries that may not have heard, we do now have a Minister for Loneliness!)

A researcher who has studied loneliness and its causes and effects for over twenty years is social neuroscientist John Cacioppo. “To grow into adulthood as a social species, as humans,” he says, “is not to become autonomous and solitary, it’s to become the one on whom others can depend. Whether we know it or not, our brain and biology have been shaped to favour this outcome.”

Our brains are hardwired to connect and to meet the basic human need to belong –to a family, group or tribe. Cacioppo’s studies have found that our neural, hormonal and genetic make-up supports interdependence over independence. We derive the most strength not from our individualism, but from our collective ability to plan, communicate, negotiate and collaborate together. And today, instead of creating isolation, social media could be a positive force for connecting us to diverse opinions, diverse cultures and indeed diversity of experience.

Almost two decades ago I attended a conference where the keynote speaker, activist and author of You Are, Therefore I Am, Satish Kumar suggested that the greatest illusion of our time is that we are independent. He pointed out that the focus on the independent individual has lead us down a destructive path and he used the US Declaration of Independence as a metaphor, saying “…instead we need a Declaration of Dependence, …… we are dependent on each other, on our earth and on our society.” The fact that indeed we are dependent on each other includes our diversity and diversity of opinions as well.

Healthy discussion or ‘healthy conflict’ has also been a noteworthy part of the research into emotional intelligence, with several studies showing clear evidence that there is a significant relationship between the ability to participate in healthy conflict and high emotional intelligence (EI). Those with well-developed EI are more likely to collaborate and to seek and find compromise than those with less developed EI who were more likely to avoid conflict altogether or adopt a dominating style. * Albert Einstein stated it well (although emotional intelligence was not a concept back then) “Any fool can know; the point is to understand.”

TRY THIS:
1.When you find yourself feeling disturbed or threatened by disagreement or a challenge to your beliefs, take a deep breath and give yourself a few moments to pay attention to your emotion, and the tension in your body. Try to let go of the tension. Exhale and ask yourself if you are really threatened (if the answer you give yourself is ‘yes’ then plese leave the situation). If you know you are not really threatened, stand up if you can and take a few deep breaths, checking your posture and opening your chest. Centre yourself.

2. Then listen – and for just a minute or two, step into the shoes of the other person. Try to understand where they are coming from. This is not so you’ll agree with them – just so you understand and therefore can increase your ability to better communicate.

3. When you do ‘speak your truth’ in a disagreement, try to stay aware of your triggers - monitor your breath, your body and your posture. Notice any tension or uncomfortable changes. This will help you stay aware of possible ‘short circuiting’ in your brain that may have your ‘threat system’ triggered – in which case a long exhale or even a trip to the bathroom might be called for.

If we can be mindful like this, take charge of our emotions, on purpose, within a discussion or conflict, our brain stays ‘switched on’. In such a ‘managed’ state we can also stay aware of and true to our own values while being mindful of the differing values of the other - and the possible value of the very conflict itself.

When we mindfully manage our emotions, a disagreement can –instead of something we avoid– become an energy that propels us forward to a resolution or to finding a middle ground, and often a collaboration that helps us act or ‘perform’ better, be more authentic, learn about each other and keep communication open. With such ‘emotional intelligence’ applied, conflict can even be used positively, creating an energy that can ‘get things done’. Most importantly, it is within a healthy discussion or conflict that we can capture the differences and diversity that make a community, group or family a stronger, richer, more entrained unit. At the very least, we can agree to disagree!

Jennifer

https://www.facebook.com/EmotionRevolution/

DOS AND DON'TS FOR LIVING MINDFULLY

What does it actually take to operate from a mindful, considered, 'grown-up' place, on a day-to-day basis? With the increasingly popular mindfulness practices, meditation apps, and 'being in the present moment' concepts, all written and talked about wherever we turn, shouldn't we be getting good at it by now? – It all sounds really good, and simple, but sometimes it’s easier to put into words than to put into practice! Especially when we're presented with life’s assorted messes, when the proverbial .... hits the fan and when our buttons are pushed by other people – again and again! It’s not easy, that’s for sure! 

But as with anything that’s difficult or 'easier said than done', a few brief guidelines or tips to hang on the fridge can be more practically helpful than the most convincing, eloquently written book or even app. 

Short, simple, practical tips can go a long way towards helping us be the mindful, considered person we’d like to be, -in the office, in traffic, at the breakfast table- no matter what others get up to!

Here’s a few such tips I have found to be helpful:

BE

Be in ownership of your emotions. For example, when you feel disturbed or annoyed, label your own feelings rather than people (i.e. ‘I feel frustrated right now.’ rather than ‘You’re so lazy!’)

Be mindful of your own physical needs: Have you slept enough? Are you dehydrated? Hungry? Exhausted? If so, take care of your needs. Once the physical needs have been met, you’ll be better able to manage your emotions.

Be in acknowledgment when your negative emotions aren’t serving you.

Take a Time-Out  so you can Take a ‘Time-in’. (A ten-minutes break from a situation, for a few slow breaths and calm self-reflection, can help you self-regulate to problem-solve or at the very least de-escalate the situation.)

DO

Do look for learning and growth in your negative emotions. In the words of my grandmother: ‘Nothing is so bad that it’s not good for something.”

Do respectfully validate other people’s feelings, regardless of what you think of them AND regardless of their age. Nobody's feelings are wrong.

Do place your own agenda aside for just 30 seconds in order to step into someone else’s shoes. What must it feel like to be them right now?

DON’T

Do not play the blame game or ‘send someone on a guilt-trip!’ It never ends well!

Avoid judging or criticizing others. Whenever you can, acknowledge everyone’s unique path and emotional reality – nobody’s reality is the same.

Do not try to control or change others. (It ain’t possible! Honestly!)

Last but not least, make sure you're having some laughter and play in your life! (Have you noticed how often the Dalai Lama is caught on camera laughing?) 

MINDFULNESS or HEARTFULNESS?

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 In Asian languages, the word for mind is usually the same as the word for heart. 

 

In this time when mindfulness has become a trend so popular it’s just about gone viral, it could be worth considering whether such a linguistic fact may be relevant to the true practice of mindfulness; is it just about simply quieting the mind and being fully present in the moment (as many describe it), or should it also somehow involve the heart? And if the answer is ‘yes’ (as the more serious practitioners have it), what does that look like?

Mindfulness has been around for thousands of years – as a part of the Buddhist religion but also in other forms, and framed in many ways. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, (the originator of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction MBSR, and responsible for bringing mindfulness to both medical and mainstream popularity) “If you’re not hearing the word heartfulness when you’re hearing the word mindfulness, you’re really not understanding what it’s all about. ……. Mindfulness is pointing at something beyond words, underneath words, underneath thinking.” 

So what is underneath words and thinking? What is heartfulness? Some would say it’s the wisdom of the heart, and others would say it is feelings such as love, compassion, and kindness. I would say it’s all of the above and more, for it involves the balanced management of emotions. The heart reflects the emotions we feel, revealed in the patterns created by the heart’s rhythms. When our emotions are brought into our awareness and we learn to manage them so they serve us, our relationships, our life-path and our values, then our heart rhythms will be harmonious - and coherent with a fully present mind. On the other hand, if those emotions are disturbing or unpleasant and unmanaged, so too are the rhythms of the heart. At this point our conscious mind will take a hike up into the busy-ness of our ‘monkey brain’, and mindfulness will no longer happen.

Mind and heart must combine to create the deeper present moment awareness –the mindfulness- that gives us the ability to accept and take pleasure in each moment of work and play, to fully listen to those we dialog with, to deeply appreciate each interaction with loved ones, to savour each morsel we eat and drink, to relish tastes and smells and sights and sounds, delight in musical notes as they reach our ears and in views as we glance upon them, and to surrender to the experience of life, in all it’s glory and messiness. In short, mindfulness need not be a passing fad, or a short-term, fast-acting replacement for pain-killers or anti-depressants, or even the latest way to deal with the stresses and strains of modern or corporate life.

Mindfulness in it’s true form is heartfulness – (it is in the work we do with Applied Emotional Mastery as well as in the work of many of our contemporaries and peers); - it's message is to maximize good and minimize harm, both to oneself and others. It is a daily decision, a way of life, a discipline (in the best sense of the word), that increases awareness and acceptance, insights and wisdom, and that helps us BE fully in-the-moment and (to paraphrase Viktor Frankl) conscious of that space between stimulus and response – where we can pause to make more informed choices - where we can choose to move in the direction of maximizing good.

So even if commercialism takes over and the popularity of mindfulness eventually wanes, the message it has brought and spread, and the heartfulness within it, will surely only have contributed positively to our planet. And (quite fitting for this 'month of the heart') I figure that's good news, however you look at it.

Happiness Habits!

Not for the first time, the 'topic of the moment' seems to be happiness! Of all the people discussing it recently, Arianna Huffington offered a particularly succinct view of the main qualities that constitute happiness (on a news program the other day) as including; “.... our capacity to tap into our own wisdom and make good decisions.” She pointed out how many of today’s leaders are clearly unable to do this (:-) fueled as they are by sleep deprivation, exhaustion and burnout; "Then they make terrible decisions!”
I couldn’t agree more – I see it all the time, don’t you?

How can we have the wonder, joy and human connection so vital for happiness when we are burnt out and our brains are frazzled?
So what to do about it? What can we each do individually to prevent burn-out and become happier? Someone asked me today for a check-list, (of which I have several - as my clients know well :-)  However, today I’d like to offer a great list of six habits developed by Researchers at UC Berkeley. 

1. Pay Attention - Be Mindful: When we are mindful our immune systems become stronger and we are less likely to be anxious or aggressive.

2. Give Thanks: Regular expressions of gratitude promote optimism, improved health, and greater satisfaction with life.

3. Keep Friends Close: Social connections are key to happiness; make time for those closest to you.

4. Drop Grudges: When we forgive those who have wronged us, we feel better about ourselves, experience more positive emotions, and feel closer to others.

5. Practice Kindness: Being kind to others makes us feel good. Altruistic acts light up the same pleasure centres in the brain as food and sex!

6. Get Moving!: Regular exercise increases self-esteem, reduces anxiety and stress, and may well be the most effective instant happiness booster of all!

Give or Take

Inexplicably linked to gratitude (and Thanksgiving) is, in my humble opinion, generosity.
I recall a story I once heard about generosity, illustrating how difficult it is to actually put qualities such as gratitude and generosity into daily practice. The story was about a priest who was traveling around the farming community he served, visiting his parishioners. One group of farmers was particularly engaging and he spent some time preaching about the virtues of generosity, charity and kindness. Finally he asked them all to imagine they had one more car than they needed. Then he asked them what they would do with the extra car. One of the farmers immediately responded enthusiastically; “I would give it away to someone who needed it.”
“Now that’s what I call charitable!” the priest exclaimed. “And what if you had two houses? What would you do with the second one?”
“I would give the second one to homeless people,” replied the farmer at once eager to please.
“The spirit of generosity indeed!” the priest smiled with approval. “What if you had two chickens, “ he continued, “what would you do?”
The farmer became suddenly serious. “Why I would keep them both!” he retorted.
“Now why would you, who have been so kind-hearted with great things, all of a sudden cease being generous when it comes to a couple of small chickens?” asked the priest
The farmer replied, “Because I have two chickens!”

Such a great illustration of how we humans can find it so difficult to live according to what we preach – to ‘walk our talk ‘as they say – especially when old emotional fear patterns and self-centredness take over! The thing is when they do, we actually feel uncomfortable, unhappy, because on some level we know we are not living in alignment with our values.

The very good news is that science is repeatedly showing us it’s all in the wiring of the brain – AND we can, by being mindful, actually take charge and change the wiring – be what we really want to be! In the case of the farmer (if he indeed was really as generous as he professed to be) give away that second chicken trusting that ‘what goes around comes around’.

To learn more about coaching and resources that can help ‘change the wiring’, check out www.TheBeingEffect.com