ARE WE HARDWIRED FOR FOMO - or is it a choice?

We are hard-wired for connection. Recent findings show that when we feel social pain – a snub, a rejection or an unkind word – our emotional experience is as real as physical pain. Unfortunately, in our so-called Western culture we tend to venerate independence, often rejecting the notion of connecting with and relying on one another for emotional well-being – the very connection we are wired to need. But the findings are irrefutable: we are wired to be social beings, and that means interdependence.

What we mean by ‘wired’ is that there is a network of neurons in the brain that facilitates our connection with each other. It is biological. This neural network was discovered by psychiatrist and neurologist Constantin von Economo in 1926 as part of his research into neuroanatomy. He discovered two unusually long neurons in the prefrontal cortex (front of the brain), and that these neurons extend all the way into the gut. There they inform our instinctive social responses, such as when we automatically respond to cues like a smile of recognition or a familiar voice, a scowl of displeasure or a cry of pain.

This neural network also drives out need for social connection and acknowledgment, which brings me to the all too prevalent FOMO (fear of missing out). Although there are many theories as to why our current-day internet use – particularly social media – appears to be so addictive, this neural network we all have, suggests that it’s not the internet per se that is addictive, but the compulsion to connect, to avoid feeling alone, excluded, or out of the loop. The resulting anxiety that appears to becoming a problem we cannot ignore, is driven by this primal drive to connect and essentially have our existence recognised by others. Social media is feeding this instinct with instantaneous reward (or not) that keeps us checking in with increasing frequency such that we never get to fully recover before we feel the need to check again. This is the addictive cycle that, although originally stemming from a perfectly natural neural wiring, becomes imbalanced, perpetuating anxiety and stress – sadly much of which is the result of imagined rejection.

Combatting this by giving more priority to actual human connection will go some way to restoring the balance. All ‘in person’ contact with other human beings triggers biochemical responses, at every level of our bodies and brains. Electrically and chemically. Both the heart and the brain picks up signals as well as transmitting them. Within 12 feet of another person, our bodies start to pick up emotional energy from another person, layered by our own beliefs, memories, judgments and narratives we imagine, based on how we ourselves are feeling. In less than a millisecond we determine whether we feel defensive towards the person or trust the person, and whether he or she may add value to the interaction or conversation we are about to embark upon.

This ‘real-life’ way is how we are designed to connect and to develop relationships and (hopefully) healthy interdependences. Fully present, focused interaction, appreciating and savouring our connection with the other person, releases endorphins which counteract the addictive quick-fix reward-dopamine cycle, creating more balance and quality of relationship. Our capacity to ‘tune in’ to others, in person, also helps us to empathise and generate compassion and other balancing and self-regulating emotions that make us more fully present with those very connections we yearn for. The result is a healthier, happier and actually considerably more connected life.

A few practical tips:

Check the ‘Social’ in Screen-Time: 99% of the time, the reason for checking social media frequently is that, deep down, you just want to connect. Remind yourself of this each time you reach for your device; the connections you make there are largely superficial. Pause and ask yourself whether it will bring you closer to or further away from real-life connections?

Hacking real-life connection: Can your next use of social media be to foster your real-life relationships (i.e. arranging to meet for a coffee, or organise a gathering?) Try to avoid passively scanning feeds or engaging in social comparisons. Instead, explore how you can use technology more to deepen real-life connections: to spread happiness, gratitude, compassion, and the well-being that comes from in-person communication.

Check-in with Yourself: Throughout your day, at regular intervals, (for example whenever you reach for your phone) take your attention into your body and ask yourself what you feel. Identify the emotion, and the associated tension or felt sense. Let your body ‘tell you’.

Let it Be: Allow yourself to identify a feeling-word or an image to describe your body’s sensation. Accept it, and breathe into it. And only then, let it go – exhale and allow the tension to drop away. Then ask yourself if the emotion is telling you something you need to act on or maybe it’s not working for you? Do you need to change the way you feel (rather than escaping from it into technology)?

Choose it or ‘Lose it’: Use technology to help you choose how you feel rather than allowing tech to control you. Sign up for apps that help you get centred and activate that inner smile: Headspace is a good one to start with, as are the HeartMath apps, and Happify. Better still, use a journal and pen and write to process your emotions and thoughts.

The Real 5-2 Fast; a list of tips such as these cannot exist without the suggestion to take a technology fast. There is so much evidence now to show that regularly disconnecting from tech is good for your health and happiness that I will not elaborate much. Suffice it to say studies show it can improve your concentration, reduce stress and anxiety, and increase your overall well-being and mental health. Try giving yourself limits such as no devices by the table or in the bedroom. Better yet, turn them all off at the weekend, so you get 2 social-media-free days for every 5 you use! I promise you, it will make a significant improvement to your well-being and the well-being of all your connections and relationships.

DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

The oyster must become aware of the grain of sand before it can make a pearl.

I have quoted this once before, but I am thinking it bears repeating.

When we want to initiate any kind of change or growth, (or maybe even more relevant these days), try to handle turmoil around us with a bit more grace, the first step lies in awareness, self-awareness – it really is unavoidable.

A client of mine once told me that to him, awareness meant ‘taking note of something from all sides, looking at all aspects’. An interesting perspective. I challenged him to consider that view regarding his self-awareness. He rose to my challenge and shared an initial insight which I think applies to many; that too often we only see ourselves, and others, from just one perspective, with a view that is merely observing what appears to be on the surface.

Attempting to widen out perspective, (we can even aim for a 360 degree of self-awareness!) we can begin with a ‘conversation’ with the self about an aspect of our self we are not used to giving too much attention to or that we have neglected (for example, if we are ‘over-working’, our 'self-care' side may need some attention.) 

You will find that by asking a gentle question to yourself now and then (‘how am I feeling?’ or ‘does that feel ok?’), slowly, just like with another person, the ‘object of your attention’, - that part of you that’s been neglected - will begin to open up to you to reveal it’s essence. From there you can begin to see that aspect of yourself for what it really is and develop a rapport with yourself that is necessary for any change to begin to take place. 

Obviously, it isn’t very easy to change something if you don’t know what it is, so the time spent in ‘making friends’ with the little 'grains of sand' in your own inner life will be time well spent. 

Alternatively, you can always test this idea with yourself. Ask yourself: How well do you know you? When was the last time you had a conversation with yourself that was just about you? Not about your job or your partner or what you think about X or what your feel about Y. Just a little chat inside about how and who you are. It may sound silly but most of us don’t seem to have the time for these little chats with ourselves, and the result can be that we go about our lives for years and years and everything seems okay when suddenly – Boom! One day we look around us and realise that we don’t have the slightest idea as to why we are doing what we’re doing. Our partners and family are strangers to us, we have nothing left to say to old friends and our work has become meaningless. Nothing has changed, really – we’ve just let ourselves lose touch with who we are. We’ve forgotten to check in with ourselves for so long, that one day, that other part of you stand up and says “Hey, this isn’t what I want!”

At this point we usually do one of two things; we either panic or we ignore the little voice and all our feelings. We pull ourselves together and go right on doing what we are used to and hope that the feelings will pass. But they don’t. We can make them go away for an hour or a day, but sooner or later they pop up again and will continue to do so untill we take the time to listen to what those feelings are telling us. 

But with a little self-awareness - and being more tuned in to our body - we can learn to listen to what our internal voice is saying to us before we get to that place – hopefully avoiding such a 'boom!' experience altogether. This is the beginning of transformational change in our lives – when we can start to hear and interact with what we are saying to ourselves and learn to use these conversations to bring about other changes that will benefit not only you, but the little ‘you’ inside.

What are the grains of sand in your life?. ‘Listen’ to your emotions, listen to your body.

MIND THE UNDERCURRENT

I was once invited to give a workshop to a team of educational psychologists. One of them was not happy to be there; ‘I don’t need this,’ she grumbled, ‘I leave my emotions at home!’ I hope by the end of the training she’d had a change of heart. You can’t leave your emotions at home any more than you can leave your head, (much as we all might sometimes wish to!) Of course we would all like to think we can control our emotions, put them on hold, suppress them or even avoid them altogether. But no matter how good we get at this, if our words and actions are not congruent with how we actually feel, we are inauthentic and we risk being perceived as such. Even if you’ve practiced your body language and facial expressions down to a T, even if you have blocked your emotion from your own awareness, you will emanate what you are really feeling – and it’s going to be picked up. This is evidenced by research, both on the heart’s electromagnetic field (see HeartMath.org - Research) and on the brain’s mirror-neuron system using fMRI and other analysis (Siegel 2010), as well as in a plethora of other research studies – not that we need research to know it; I imagine many of you reading this have had personal experiences with this phenomena.  

Human beings are like an iceberg that is 90% submerged under water, with only 10% being visible. If a storm comes through from east to west you might be forgiven for believing that the iceberg will move west with the storm. However, if there is an undercurrent going in another direction, the iceberg will move with the current, because the current controls 90% of it. The same is true of us humans. The only difference being that we like to think we can control everything with our 10% and discount the power of our undercurrent – our emotions.

Knowing and being with our true emotions, daring to fully look ‘underneath’ so we can discover what our emotions are telling us, is the work of emotional mastery. It is also, ultimately, to develop the self-regulatory skills that, when we choose to use them, generate a feeling that is aligned with our actions (rather than feigning an emotion or control). We all have the ability to do just that – even in these times of distraction, over-stimulation, anxiety and chaos. Your ability to both understand your emotions and to manage them so you can generate a coherent, centred state when you need to, -to manage that undercurrent- is also a part of human nature and when you use that ability, it will positively affect everyone around you; “your field effect” can give you more authenticity and believability than anything else you do. In all my years of working on myself, and with parents, executives, teachers, management teams, and all those who are not in charge of anyone but themselves, I have found this to be a universal truth. 

Suggestion:  Post something by your front door to remind yourself of the impact you have – with your words as well as your 'field effect'- as you walk out into the world. Take a deep breath with a long exhale - and smile :-)  Throughout your day, check yourself and your feelings in your body: ask yourself Am I congruent? 

I used to post a quote by General Lee by my front door; “If you do not enjoy what you’re doing, you will be found out.” 

Happy summer everyone!