ARE WE HARDWIRED FOR FOMO - or is it a choice?

We are hard-wired for connection. Recent findings show that when we feel social pain – a snub, a rejection or an unkind word – our emotional experience is as real as physical pain. Unfortunately, in our so-called Western culture we tend to venerate independence, often rejecting the notion of connecting with and relying on one another for emotional well-being – the very connection we are wired to need. But the findings are irrefutable: we are wired to be social beings, and that means interdependence.

What we mean by ‘wired’ is that there is a network of neurons in the brain that facilitates our connection with each other. It is biological. This neural network was discovered by psychiatrist and neurologist Constantin von Economo in 1926 as part of his research into neuroanatomy. He discovered two unusually long neurons in the prefrontal cortex (front of the brain), and that these neurons extend all the way into the gut. There they inform our instinctive social responses, such as when we automatically respond to cues like a smile of recognition or a familiar voice, a scowl of displeasure or a cry of pain.

This neural network also drives out need for social connection and acknowledgment, which brings me to the all too prevalent FOMO (fear of missing out). Although there are many theories as to why our current-day internet use – particularly social media – appears to be so addictive, this neural network we all have, suggests that it’s not the internet per se that is addictive, but the compulsion to connect, to avoid feeling alone, excluded, or out of the loop. The resulting anxiety that appears to becoming a problem we cannot ignore, is driven by this primal drive to connect and essentially have our existence recognised by others. Social media is feeding this instinct with instantaneous reward (or not) that keeps us checking in with increasing frequency such that we never get to fully recover before we feel the need to check again. This is the addictive cycle that, although originally stemming from a perfectly natural neural wiring, becomes imbalanced, perpetuating anxiety and stress – sadly much of which is the result of imagined rejection.

Combatting this by giving more priority to actual human connection will go some way to restoring the balance. All ‘in person’ contact with other human beings triggers biochemical responses, at every level of our bodies and brains. Electrically and chemically. Both the heart and the brain picks up signals as well as transmitting them. Within 12 feet of another person, our bodies start to pick up emotional energy from another person, layered by our own beliefs, memories, judgments and narratives we imagine, based on how we ourselves are feeling. In less than a millisecond we determine whether we feel defensive towards the person or trust the person, and whether he or she may add value to the interaction or conversation we are about to embark upon.

This ‘real-life’ way is how we are designed to connect and to develop relationships and (hopefully) healthy interdependences. Fully present, focused interaction, appreciating and savouring our connection with the other person, releases endorphins which counteract the addictive quick-fix reward-dopamine cycle, creating more balance and quality of relationship. Our capacity to ‘tune in’ to others, in person, also helps us to empathise and generate compassion and other balancing and self-regulating emotions that make us more fully present with those very connections we yearn for. The result is a healthier, happier and actually considerably more connected life.

A few practical tips:

Check the ‘Social’ in Screen-Time: 99% of the time, the reason for checking social media frequently is that, deep down, you just want to connect. Remind yourself of this each time you reach for your device; the connections you make there are largely superficial. Pause and ask yourself whether it will bring you closer to or further away from real-life connections?

Hacking real-life connection: Can your next use of social media be to foster your real-life relationships (i.e. arranging to meet for a coffee, or organise a gathering?) Try to avoid passively scanning feeds or engaging in social comparisons. Instead, explore how you can use technology more to deepen real-life connections: to spread happiness, gratitude, compassion, and the well-being that comes from in-person communication.

Check-in with Yourself: Throughout your day, at regular intervals, (for example whenever you reach for your phone) take your attention into your body and ask yourself what you feel. Identify the emotion, and the associated tension or felt sense. Let your body ‘tell you’.

Let it Be: Allow yourself to identify a feeling-word or an image to describe your body’s sensation. Accept it, and breathe into it. And only then, let it go – exhale and allow the tension to drop away. Then ask yourself if the emotion is telling you something you need to act on or maybe it’s not working for you? Do you need to change the way you feel (rather than escaping from it into technology)?

Choose it or ‘Lose it’: Use technology to help you choose how you feel rather than allowing tech to control you. Sign up for apps that help you get centred and activate that inner smile: Headspace is a good one to start with, as are the HeartMath apps, and Happify. Better still, use a journal and pen and write to process your emotions and thoughts.

The Real 5-2 Fast; a list of tips such as these cannot exist without the suggestion to take a technology fast. There is so much evidence now to show that regularly disconnecting from tech is good for your health and happiness that I will not elaborate much. Suffice it to say studies show it can improve your concentration, reduce stress and anxiety, and increase your overall well-being and mental health. Try giving yourself limits such as no devices by the table or in the bedroom. Better yet, turn them all off at the weekend, so you get 2 social-media-free days for every 5 you use! I promise you, it will make a significant improvement to your well-being and the well-being of all your connections and relationships.

Why Can't We Just Get A Grip?

Twitter rants, Facebook bullying, political knee-jerk decisions, and reactive behaviour - all driven by out-of-control emotions. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could get a handle on some of this? I wonder how many people are aware of how much out-of-control emotions run our lives? Most people know that emotions are powerful, but I’d go so far as to say they are THE most powerful force we have. They drive everything of significance. And while they are powerful when you are aware of them, emotions wreak havoc when you’re not. Why is this? How come emotions are so powerful that they make us say and do things we later regret? Why can’t we just get a grip? 
Well, you cannot always ‘pull yourself together’ (as my mother used to say), because emotions are often triggered without our conscious knowledge, they are literally physical changes that occur in the body when you register signals from your environment which you may or may not be aware of.

A typical scenario might be if you smell something that reminds your subconscious mind of a strong childhood experience, which will rekindle the same emotion you originally had. When this is a positive experience, (i.e. the smell of pastries your mother baked for celebrations) it may trigger the release of dopamine – a ‘feel-good’ hormone that reinforces reward. Conversely, if the association and resulting emotion is negative, (i.e. the whiff of pastries that your mother baked when she left you to cry yourself to sleep as a baby) it will rekindle the feeling of abandonment you felt, as cortisol is released in your conditioned but subconscious stress-response (no matter how illogical this may seem to an adult who doesn’t consciously remember being left in the crib). Changes like these occur instantly and many times a day. Whether you are conscious of them or not, they impact what you think and believe and consequently, how you act.

But these signals from our surroundings need not always involve memory –and sometimes our responses are designed for a purpose. For example when a mother breastfeeds her baby, the stimulation releases oxytocin (often referred to as ‘the bonding hormone) in her breast tissue, which makes her milk flow. Importantly, it changes her emotional state: her anxiety levels drop and she becomes more calm, patient, and able to meet her baby’s needs. Until recently oxytocin was only associated with reproduction, but it has now been also shown to play a far more significant role in our behaviour and all our relationships than previously thought. Dr Paul Zak of Loma Linda University Medical Center in California, has conducted hundreds of studies with oxytocin, worldwide. His research found that Oxytocin is released in all of us when we trust someone or when we feel trusted. It makes us pro-social, more generous, honourable, and even moral! His research has also found that although there is no correlation between happiness and income level, there is a tight correlation between happiness and trust; that living in a society where there is a high level of trust makes people happier.

This is great information indeed! But could it help prevent all the rants, the bullying, and knee-jerk reactions we all so want to see diminish?
I think it could – first and foremost, by making us more self-aware about how the negative, stress-producing emotions impact us. As it turns out, the stress hormones that are released when we experience strong negative emotions actually inhibit the release of Oxytocin, which in turn leads to a lack of empathy and reduced care and concern for others. So now we know that not only do stress-producing, out-of-control emotions reduce our ability to think clearly and compromise our immune system, but they also block Oxytocin, the purpose of which is to increase our ability to connect with, trust and be trusted by or even care about others. This helps us understand even better why we sometimes rant or behave in knee-jerk ways that are defensive, inappropriate, unkind or thoughtless (literally). It also gives us yet another reason to try to be more self-aware and take charge of our previously out-of-control damaging emotions, and is one more argument in favour of practicing generating the ‘feel-good’ factor!

SOME WAYS TO GENERATE OXYTOCIN & THE FEEL-GOOD FACTOR

Smile to the next person you see
Stroke a pet
Give or get a massage
Dance
Create music with others
Appreciate something – anything!
Give someone you care about a nice surprise
Show your appreciation - to anyone!
Phone or write to an old friend or teacher
Forgive someone
Meditate with a focus on appreciation or compassion
Share a meal with a friend
Watch a feel-good movie
Play with the children in your life – face to face
Make someone laugh
Go to the theatre or a concert with a friend
Join a club or activity group
Socialize – in person!
AND
HUG SOMEONE (Paul Zak’s favorite)
To hear Paul Zak's TED talk, click here

The Power of You

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are, but the people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstance they want, and if they can’t find them, they make them.” George Bernhard Shaw

Make the circumstances we want, rather than blame the circumstances we have ….. hmmmm, easier said than done…… this means we have a choice! What choice? you may well ask, (especially in days that seem to become more dire by the hour!) Well, we have a choice about how we respond to everything that occurs and also about what we choose to do with what we have. Discouraging? For some maybe, because a choice implies a decision, and a decision excludes other possibilities …. and in these precarious times, who would want to exclude all options!

What we often forget is that indecision is a decision in itself, and often leads to choices being made for us, by others and by circumstances! Although it may be easier to blame circumstances than to face the responsibility of making a choice, - what if it’s the ‘wrong’ choice?! – the result is usually hindsight; ‘Of course, what I should have done,’ ‘what I could have done’, and ‘I wish I had done,’ or 'if only we had done ....' We all know the power of hindsight!
   
On the other hand, in the ‘now’, each moment that we make a choice or a decision based on our own ‘inner knowing’ (or intuition), each time we dare to step up to and act on what we believe in our heart is right, in that very moment we are so much more powerful than we have been conditioned to believe!

As we move into 2012, let’s discard the old conditioning that has us believing we are victims of circumstance, the conditioning that makes us indecisive and anxious, and even afraid. Let’s instead claim the actual immense power that resides within each one of us – the power to take charge of our choices, trust our own insights, and create the ‘circumstances’ we want, moment by moment.......... And if by chance you don’t see evidence of your power in your life, remember that the atom still exists even though you have never seen one.

Roll on 2012!