ARE YOU IN "THE IMPACT ZONE"?

How are you feeling? What are you feeling? 

Are you feeling impacted by all the world’s turbulence right now? Many of my clients have reported experiencing unusual and intense personal changes ‘thrust upon them’ (to quote), as well as all the global upheavals. I am not sure if that’s coincidental or if we’re just living in a time of extreme change on all fronts. One thing is for sure, we are being called upon to be resilient and draw on our inner resources in ways not seen for a very long while. 

  

As many of you know, I do like a metaphor, and one I feel is particularly apt and can be useful at this time is the surfing metaphor. Whether you may be riding the waves of change well or feeling it’s all a bit much, bear with me now because I am not just referring to ‘riding the waves’ (or not). There’s more to the usefulness of the metaphor than that!  

 

An aspect of surfing that gave one of my clients (let’s call him George) a particularly profound ‘aha’ moment, is an occurrence referred to as ‘pearling’, which is an accidental nose-dive of the surfboard vertically down into the bottom of the ocean, pitching the surfer into the water. It occurs when you don’t adjust yourself to compensate for transitioning from the downhill slope of the wave to flat water. As a result, when you come up for air you may find yourself floundering, anxiously trying to get back up on the board and, if you manage to, paddling furiously in order to catch the next wave that you know is due imminently! This is often called “The Impact Zone”, a ‘zone’ where time is of the essence! If fear and anxiety are allowed to take over, your much-needed focus will be gone with the waves and your next experience will, in all likelihood be a ‘wipe-out’!

 

Recalling this happening to him on holiday, George had his ‘aha’ moment; he realised that although understandable, his sluggish adjustments to external change followed by fear and excessive anxiety about his business, caused him to miss opportunities as well as timely actions he could have taken; ‘gone with the waves!’ as he put it. George’s unmanaged emotions and loss of focus almost lost him his entire business. ‘My fear-driven emotions just took over! A real-life wipe-out!”

 

This brings to mind another metaphor I was reminded of while at a ballet performance last week, ‘Like Water for Chocolate’. Depicting a story about passion, desire, despair and over-powering emotions from the novel with the same title, it takes its title from a phrase used in South America, which refers to the water they use to make hot chocolate - (water instead of milk). The chocolate will only melt when the water reaches boiling point, and so the phrase alludes to a state of emotions at boiling point and about to boil over. 

 

Whether we are referring to passion (as in that ballet and novel), or the fear in a surfer’s wipe-out’, or a businessman’s unmanaged anxiety, or other powerful emotions, the reference highlights the power of emotions and the influence they have over us and our actions. We may not acknowledge or even be aware of our emotions taking over our thinking, our choices and our actions, but it is now a scientific fact: emotions drive our thoughts and our behaviour, and if they ‘boil over’, whether in an unexpected transition, an impact zone or otherwise, we lose control!

 

 

Four questions emerge that may be helpful to ask ourselves:

 

1. Are we flexible enough to reposition ourselves to compensate for the transition we are going through? In other words, are we willing to be adaptable, try something new, stretch our thinking till it surfaces out of the box we have hitherto made ourselves so comfortable in? Can we transcend old behaviours and ride the waves of change with flexibility, or are we sticking with long-established, customary measures that will inevitably pitch us back into the water?

 

2. Are we becoming an ‘attention deficit’ society? Are we mostly busy and distracted, caught up in emails, social media, texting, scrolling, long work hours, information overload, and generally trying to match our pace with everyone else in our life? In other words, are we paying full attention to where we are on ‘our wave’ or is our distraction causing us to miss opportunities and accidentally nose-dive into a situation we don’t want? Or are we so busy and distracted by technology, thoughts and apprehensions that when we are with a colleague, partner or our loved ones, we are not ‘fully present’ at all?

 

3. Are we anxiously flailing about, grasping at sea-foam, our fear of the possibilities ahead paralyzing us, keeping us just treading water until the next wave wipes us out?

 

4. Or are we allowing our emotions and emotional reactions to overwhelm us and ‘boil over’ so we lose control of our sense of self and what’s important to us?  

 

 

Although it is natural to feel distracted, frantic, worried, anxious and even fearful, and even to ‘boil over’, our chances of successfully navigating life and its challenges - whether within today’s seemingly chaotic world or in a hopefully calmer future -  will be in direct proportion to our ability to process and move through these feelings, keeping our ‘emotional brain’ understood and managed, and our ‘thinking brain’ switched on: As we know, the two ‘brains’ cannot function effectively simultaneously. 

 

When we feel any degree of anxiety or apprehension, even if we are able to look calm, our ‘emotional’ brain takes over and puts us into defence mode, causing inflexibility and resistance to change. Short-term thinking and bad decisions are made in this state. Conversely, smart, innovative thinking that will create the new ways of doing things, wise choices and insights, all come from a switched on ‘thinking brain’, which can only happen when we are in an emotional state of centeredness; focused yet flexible, willing to reposition, and open to transcendence. ‘

 

Getting centred and ‘switching on’ easily requires a practice – a continuous practice that is as habitual and second nature to us as brushing teeth or taking a shower. 

We can all develop these practices by:

 

1.    Checking in: A quick checking in with yourself, throughout your day (for example each time you walk through a door), asking yourself how you feel, making sure you are centred and in the switched on state, and if not ensuring you do what it takes to get there – even if that means taking a few minutes in the bathroom to release any tension, breathe and centre. 

 

2.    Slowing down: When feeling overwhelmed, stop your thoughts and drop into your body. Slow your breath. 

 

3.    Putting on pause: - any criticism or focus on the negative - Park it until you’re able to process, preferably in writing in your journal.

 

4.    Dropping your attention: down into your body and sensations (sights, sounds, smells, tastes, fresh air, drink of water …….)

 

5.    Focusing on the positive. Appreciate something about whoever or whatever is in front of you. Reflect on something you can appreciate. Share an appreciation.

 

When we take charge in this way, ‘riding the waves’ in the resulting more centred state will minimalize the chances of ‘pearling’ or ‘wiping out’, or of your emotions boiling over. In fact you may eventually find the ride quite enjoyable, and your increased ability to overcome the challenges even exhilarating!

 

 

 

 

ARE WE HARDWIRED FOR FOMO - or is it a choice?

We are hard-wired for connection. Recent findings show that when we feel social pain – a snub, a rejection or an unkind word – our emotional experience is as real as physical pain. Unfortunately, in our so-called Western culture we tend to venerate independence, often rejecting the notion of connecting with and relying on one another for emotional well-being – the very connection we are wired to need. But the findings are irrefutable: we are wired to be social beings, and that means interdependence.

What we mean by ‘wired’ is that there is a network of neurons in the brain that facilitates our connection with each other. It is biological. This neural network was discovered by psychiatrist and neurologist Constantin von Economo in 1926 as part of his research into neuroanatomy. He discovered two unusually long neurons in the prefrontal cortex (front of the brain), and that these neurons extend all the way into the gut. There they inform our instinctive social responses, such as when we automatically respond to cues like a smile of recognition or a familiar voice, a scowl of displeasure or a cry of pain.

This neural network also drives out need for social connection and acknowledgment, which brings me to the all too prevalent FOMO (fear of missing out). Although there are many theories as to why our current-day internet use – particularly social media – appears to be so addictive, this neural network we all have, suggests that it’s not the internet per se that is addictive, but the compulsion to connect, to avoid feeling alone, excluded, or out of the loop. The resulting anxiety that appears to becoming a problem we cannot ignore, is driven by this primal drive to connect and essentially have our existence recognised by others. Social media is feeding this instinct with instantaneous reward (or not) that keeps us checking in with increasing frequency such that we never get to fully recover before we feel the need to check again. This is the addictive cycle that, although originally stemming from a perfectly natural neural wiring, becomes imbalanced, perpetuating anxiety and stress – sadly much of which is the result of imagined rejection.

Combatting this by giving more priority to actual human connection will go some way to restoring the balance. All ‘in person’ contact with other human beings triggers biochemical responses, at every level of our bodies and brains. Electrically and chemically. Both the heart and the brain picks up signals as well as transmitting them. Within 12 feet of another person, our bodies start to pick up emotional energy from another person, layered by our own beliefs, memories, judgments and narratives we imagine, based on how we ourselves are feeling. In less than a millisecond we determine whether we feel defensive towards the person or trust the person, and whether he or she may add value to the interaction or conversation we are about to embark upon.

This ‘real-life’ way is how we are designed to connect and to develop relationships and (hopefully) healthy interdependences. Fully present, focused interaction, appreciating and savouring our connection with the other person, releases endorphins which counteract the addictive quick-fix reward-dopamine cycle, creating more balance and quality of relationship. Our capacity to ‘tune in’ to others, in person, also helps us to empathise and generate compassion and other balancing and self-regulating emotions that make us more fully present with those very connections we yearn for. The result is a healthier, happier and actually considerably more connected life.

A few practical tips:

Check the ‘Social’ in Screen-Time: 99% of the time, the reason for checking social media frequently is that, deep down, you just want to connect. Remind yourself of this each time you reach for your device; the connections you make there are largely superficial. Pause and ask yourself whether it will bring you closer to or further away from real-life connections?

Hacking real-life connection: Can your next use of social media be to foster your real-life relationships (i.e. arranging to meet for a coffee, or organise a gathering?) Try to avoid passively scanning feeds or engaging in social comparisons. Instead, explore how you can use technology more to deepen real-life connections: to spread happiness, gratitude, compassion, and the well-being that comes from in-person communication.

Check-in with Yourself: Throughout your day, at regular intervals, (for example whenever you reach for your phone) take your attention into your body and ask yourself what you feel. Identify the emotion, and the associated tension or felt sense. Let your body ‘tell you’.

Let it Be: Allow yourself to identify a feeling-word or an image to describe your body’s sensation. Accept it, and breathe into it. And only then, let it go – exhale and allow the tension to drop away. Then ask yourself if the emotion is telling you something you need to act on or maybe it’s not working for you? Do you need to change the way you feel (rather than escaping from it into technology)?

Choose it or ‘Lose it’: Use technology to help you choose how you feel rather than allowing tech to control you. Sign up for apps that help you get centred and activate that inner smile: Headspace is a good one to start with, as are the HeartMath apps, and Happify. Better still, use a journal and pen and write to process your emotions and thoughts.

The Real 5-2 Fast; a list of tips such as these cannot exist without the suggestion to take a technology fast. There is so much evidence now to show that regularly disconnecting from tech is good for your health and happiness that I will not elaborate much. Suffice it to say studies show it can improve your concentration, reduce stress and anxiety, and increase your overall well-being and mental health. Try giving yourself limits such as no devices by the table or in the bedroom. Better yet, turn them all off at the weekend, so you get 2 social-media-free days for every 5 you use! I promise you, it will make a significant improvement to your well-being and the well-being of all your connections and relationships.