DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

The oyster must become aware of the grain of sand before it can make a pearl.

I have quoted this once before, but I am thinking it bears repeating.

When we want to initiate any kind of change or growth, (or maybe even more relevant these days), try to handle turmoil around us with a bit more grace, the first step lies in awareness, self-awareness – it really is unavoidable.

A client of mine once told me that to him, awareness meant ‘taking note of something from all sides, looking at all aspects’. An interesting perspective. I challenged him to consider that view regarding his self-awareness. He rose to my challenge and shared an initial insight which I think applies to many; that too often we only see ourselves, and others, from just one perspective, with a view that is merely observing what appears to be on the surface.

Attempting to widen out perspective, (we can even aim for a 360 degree of self-awareness!) we can begin with a ‘conversation’ with the self about an aspect of our self we are not used to giving too much attention to or that we have neglected (for example, if we are ‘over-working’, our 'self-care' side may need some attention.) 

You will find that by asking a gentle question to yourself now and then (‘how am I feeling?’ or ‘does that feel ok?’), slowly, just like with another person, the ‘object of your attention’, - that part of you that’s been neglected - will begin to open up to you to reveal it’s essence. From there you can begin to see that aspect of yourself for what it really is and develop a rapport with yourself that is necessary for any change to begin to take place. 

Obviously, it isn’t very easy to change something if you don’t know what it is, so the time spent in ‘making friends’ with the little 'grains of sand' in your own inner life will be time well spent. 

Alternatively, you can always test this idea with yourself. Ask yourself: How well do you know you? When was the last time you had a conversation with yourself that was just about you? Not about your job or your partner or what you think about X or what your feel about Y. Just a little chat inside about how and who you are. It may sound silly but most of us don’t seem to have the time for these little chats with ourselves, and the result can be that we go about our lives for years and years and everything seems okay when suddenly – Boom! One day we look around us and realise that we don’t have the slightest idea as to why we are doing what we’re doing. Our partners and family are strangers to us, we have nothing left to say to old friends and our work has become meaningless. Nothing has changed, really – we’ve just let ourselves lose touch with who we are. We’ve forgotten to check in with ourselves for so long, that one day, that other part of you stand up and says “Hey, this isn’t what I want!”

At this point we usually do one of two things; we either panic or we ignore the little voice and all our feelings. We pull ourselves together and go right on doing what we are used to and hope that the feelings will pass. But they don’t. We can make them go away for an hour or a day, but sooner or later they pop up again and will continue to do so untill we take the time to listen to what those feelings are telling us. 

But with a little self-awareness - and being more tuned in to our body - we can learn to listen to what our internal voice is saying to us before we get to that place – hopefully avoiding such a 'boom!' experience altogether. This is the beginning of transformational change in our lives – when we can start to hear and interact with what we are saying to ourselves and learn to use these conversations to bring about other changes that will benefit not only you, but the little ‘you’ inside.

What are the grains of sand in your life?. ‘Listen’ to your emotions, listen to your body.

CAN WE CHOREOGRAPH EMOTIONS?

It is said that money makes the world go round. I beg to differ. In my observation emotions make the world go round. Human emotions drive everything – from anger or fear-driven acts and the worst hatred induced atrocities, to deeds of unbelievable courage or compassion, and the most divine acts of love. All human behaviour is driven by emotion. 

The word EMOTION comes from the Latin e-movere, meaning to move out or through, as in propelling movement, a force set in motion. The originators of the word must have been acutely aware of the dynamic, stirring energy created by human feelings, energy moving through body and brain, constantly shifting, shaping our thoughts, our actions, and our lives. Much like dance moves and dancers shape a ballet or dance piece, although that might seem a lot more orderly and graceful than our emotion-driven behaviour. Or is that necessarily so?

A dance piece or ballet can look organized and seemingly effortless because it is choreographed. But can we really choreograph emotions? Can we choose what we feel and manage our emotions so we are in control of how they move through us, and how they come across to others?

Some may argue that this is impossible because emotions are often triggered without our conscious knowledge. However, my experience has been that it is not only possible, but hugely beneficial (and there are plenty of studies supporting this.)

So how do we choose our emotions? 

We begin by noticing – paying close attention to what we are feeling and where in our body that feeling registers. The more we take our attention out of our busy minds and connect with our bodies, the more we are likely to notice physical tension from emotions, tensions registered there because our emotions live in our bodies. Such increased awareness gives us early warning signs of unhelpful emotions, which in turn allows for much easier self-management – we can assess whether the indications of a potentially strong emotion are appropriate to the situation, and if not, whether we need to take steps to change how we feel and adopt another perspective. For example, we may feel irritated by several small events in the morning, but with our renewed awareness of the resulting say neck tension, we can take some deep breaths or otherwise release that tension and regain a more balanced perspective, rather than blowing our top in the evening having allowed it to build throughout the day until it has become full blown fury.

This is the beginning of what I refer to as emotion choreography. And like a full-length ballet or dance performance, there are numerous steps that contribute to the mastery of emotional management – and all are extraordinarily satisfying to master, including and especially the interactive ones, for as a species, we are also driven to connect with each other, at a very basic level. We actually have a specific brain circuitry that directs our response to one another’s bodies in motion! Imagine for a moment watching a trapeze artist flying through the air; don’t we all feel the soaring sensation as well as the excitement? When we see a physical fight, don’t we wince at the blows? When we feel someone’s emotional pain, it’s not merely the expression on their face we mirror, but their bodily posture, and the emotional tension they emit. This empathic capacity is something most of us could, if we are honest, manage better. We can actually learn to ‘choreograph’ our emotional responses so we allow less of our own judgment and opinions to interfere with our empathy, with our ability to truly step into someone else’s shoes, making us better able to offer the support that’s actually needed (rather than being driven by our own agenda).

The most powerful of all the steps of the choreography of emotions is the feel-good factor; when we enhance and strengthen our ‘emotional capital’ by fully embracing our positive feelings; the exuberance of sudden inspiration or the peace of a quiet walk, the pleasure we feel when we watch a dancer or athlete move gracefully or our wonder at seeing beauty in nature, the delight of witnessing a child’s first steps, or the feeling of happiness in a loving interaction. If we give ourselves permission to fully relish those pleasurable feelings, savouring them for that little bit longer, enjoying them with our entire body, we strengthen the ‘muscles’ that ultimately give us more of a choice about what we feel, taking crucial steps towards being in charge of our emotional dance, to create ‘choreography’ we will, most likely, review favourably. 

CAPTURING LIFE

I recently read somewhere “If you want to be happy, drop out of your head and into your life.” It made me think of how most of us spend too much time in our heads, pondering the past, worrying about the future and forgetting to live fully in our current experiences - and appreciate them all, even the unpleasant moments – for how will we grow from them if we don’t know them? 

One way to ‘drop into life’ is to write it – write what you’re feeling, thinking, experiencing. There’s nothing like it for capturing those everyday life moments. And now there’s even scientific evidence for the powerful effects writing can have on us!

One study found that writing about emotions and stress decreased the chances of becoming ill or damaged by traumatic events. Participants who wrote about their feelings spent less time in hospital and enjoyed lower blood pressure than their counterparts. In another study, writing about emotions and thoughts showed participants had significantly increased optimism, and improved health and general well being.

If you want to journal but can’t think what to write, try this: Get a small, pocket-sized journal that you can carry around with you. Throughout your day, whenever you have a moment jot down you emotions, whatever you’re feeling at that time. Then notice how your body feels, noting where you might be feeling any tension or tightness. You may find food for thought and even for writing more extensively about later in the day.

Another ‘short-and-sweet’ way to journal is to write down 3 things you can feel appreciation for, right now. Follow that with slowing your breathing and being fully present in your body, for the next ten minutes, feeling that appreciation!

You might also try free-form journal writing - just letting the pen in your hand write whatever comes to you. Regardless of how you approach it, don’t let the simplicity of journaling deceive you into underestimating its significance. Regular journaling –especially writing about feelings – can make a profound difference to your life – emotionally and otherwise. To quote author Madeleine L’Engle
“It was while writing a diary that I discovered how to capture the living moments.”

The Real Body Beautiful

Rarely has there been such a display of beautiful bodies as at the recent Olympics ….. and living as I do in London, well – the display has been everywhere! And healthy beautiful bodies too – how refreshing- the radiant health is in itself beautiful! Makes my mind wander to other ways that the body is beautiful, ways we don’t normally consider. One of those ways, to me, is the language of the body, not just it’s expression outwardly but inwardly, the way the body speaks to us, internally (if we just listen). The body tells us how and what we feel, when we feel pleasure, when we feel pain, and when we need to speed up or slow down - which we often ignore at our peril!  It tells us when we have excess energy (like anger); if we listen we can transform that energy into something useful (like outrage) that can drive us to taking action to help us achieve and attract what we want. If we ‘listen’ to the pleasure, rather than rushing on to our next 'vital action', we can stop for just a moment and enjoy it, relish the pleasure long enough for it to release more endorphins and hormones that will boost our immune system, slow down our ageing process, increase motivation, make our brains more creative and can even reduce cravings, as well as give us a glow that – guess what – makes us more beautiful on the outside! Gives the old saying ‘beauty comes from within’ a whole new meaning!