I find myself beginning to appreciate
something I used to hate as a child, something I felt was filled with disdain
and put-downs and which I felt emotionally inept at participating in – that
something was ‘vigorous discussion’. In our family, discussions often turned heated
and even hostile. I would get so emotional I couldn’t compete with some family
members’ forcefulness, especially those who seemed to find amusement in others’
agitation or passion. Invariably I would get so emotional I would just storm
off, (definitely contributing to my desire to learn how to manage emotions!)
Nevertheless, discussion remained
to some degree a part of my life, and as I learned to manage my emotions
better, (particularly needed when one of my more passionate opinions was
challenged!) I also learned to recognise the value of discussion in accepting
differing points of view and in taking me out of my comfort zone, thereby expanding
my mind. I learned that getting along with each other is not synonymous with concurrent
opinions, and that there is such a thing as healthy conflict.
However, in the last couple of
years my view of the inevitability of healthy discussion and disagreements during
life’s journey has been challenged, and challenged too often to be ignored.
It seems that many of us are becoming
less and less willing to handle differences of opinion, and more and more
inclined to judge and condemn outright those who may have a differing view, even
before any kind of dialog has begun, never mind having a discussion. I am not
referring to any subject matter in particular, but rather a trend both on
social media and in ‘real’ life that is creating more rigidity, intolerance and
blame and less and less of what we really need; resilience, tolerance,
compassion, and emotionally intelligence.
Whether this is due to increasingly
divisive and hostile political atmospheres, growing vitriol on social media or a
combination of many other factors, it certainly isn’t helped by the algorithms of
social media that only feeds us more of whatever perspective we already agree
with, leaving our opinions unchallenged and our comfort zone firmly intact.
Although these algorithms create an
environment that meets our need to connect with like-minded people in
like-minded groups, all too often those same groups allow no dissent and offer only
facts that support our beliefs, making it easy to ignore any evidence that our perception
could be wanting or even mistaken. The momentary sense of belonging such
exclusivity brings creates internal narratives –storylines we tell ourselves–
that actually fuel isolation, prejudice, and create feelings of defensiveness,
leading to anxiety and even fear.
Psychologist and author Brene Brown
puts it this way; “When we feel isolated,
disconnected, we try to protect ourselves. In that mode we want to connect, but
our brain is attempting to override connection with self-protection. That means
less empathy, more defensiveness, more numbing.” Brown, a research
professor at the University of Houston, has studied fear since before 9/11. “For the moment, most of us are either making
the choice to protect ourselves from conflict, discomfort and vulnerability by
staying quiet, or picking sides. Either way, the choices we’re making to
protect our beliefs and ourselves are leaving us disconnected, afraid and
lonely.”
I wonder if our new Minister for
Loneliness here in the UK has made this connection, that there is a significant
relationship between unchallenged opinions and loneliness? (Yes, for those of
you in other countries that may not have heard, we do now have a Minister for
Loneliness!)
A researcher who has studied loneliness
and its causes and effects for over twenty years is social neuroscientist John
Cacioppo. “To grow into adulthood as a
social species, as humans,” he says, “is
not to become autonomous and solitary, it’s to become the one on whom others
can depend. Whether we know it or not, our brain and biology have been shaped
to favour this outcome.”
Our brains are hardwired to connect
and to meet the basic human need to belong –to a family, group or tribe. Cacioppo’s
studies have found that our neural, hormonal and genetic make-up supports
interdependence over independence. We derive the most strength not from our individualism, but from our
collective ability to plan, communicate, negotiate and collaborate together.
And today, instead of creating isolation, social media could be a
positive force for connecting us to diverse opinions, diverse cultures and
indeed diversity of experience.
Almost two decades ago I attended a
conference where the keynote speaker, activist and author of You Are, Therefore I Am, Satish Kumar suggested
that the greatest illusion of our time is that we are independent. He pointed
out that the focus on the independent individual has lead us down a destructive
path and he used the US Declaration of Independence as a metaphor, saying “…instead we need a Declaration of Dependence,
…… we are dependent on each other, on our earth and on our society.” The
fact that indeed we are dependent on each other includes our diversity and
diversity of opinions as well.
Healthy discussion or ‘healthy
conflict’ has also been a noteworthy part of the research into emotional
intelligence, with several studies showing clear evidence that there is a
significant relationship between the ability to participate in healthy conflict
and high emotional intelligence (EI). Those with well-developed EI are more
likely to collaborate and to seek and find compromise than those with less
developed EI who were more likely to avoid conflict altogether or adopt a
dominating style. * Albert Einstein stated it well (although emotional
intelligence was not a concept back then) “Any fool can know; the point is to
understand.”
TRY THIS:
1.When you find yourself feeling disturbed or threatened by disagreement or a
challenge to your beliefs, take a deep breath and give yourself a few moments
to pay attention to your emotion, and the tension in your body. Try to let go
of the tension. Exhale and ask yourself if you are really threatened (if the answer you give yourself is ‘yes’ then
plese leave the situation). If you know you are not really threatened, stand up
if you can and take a few deep breaths, checking your posture and opening your
chest. Centre yourself.
2. Then listen – and for just a
minute or two, step into the shoes of the other person. Try to understand where
they are coming from. This is not so you’ll agree with them – just so you
understand and therefore can increase your ability to better communicate.
3. When you do ‘speak your truth’
in a disagreement, try to stay aware of your triggers - monitor your breath,
your body and your posture. Notice any tension or uncomfortable changes. This
will help you stay aware of possible ‘short circuiting’ in your brain that may
have your ‘threat system’ triggered – in which case a long exhale or even a
trip to the bathroom might be called for.
If we can be mindful like this,
take charge of our emotions, on purpose, within a discussion or conflict, our
brain stays ‘switched on’. In such a ‘managed’ state we can also stay aware of
and true to our own values while being mindful of the differing values of the
other - and the possible value of the very conflict itself.
When we mindfully manage our
emotions, a disagreement can –instead of something we avoid– become an energy
that propels us forward to a resolution or to finding a middle ground, and
often a collaboration that helps us act or ‘perform’ better, be more authentic,
learn about each other and keep communication open. With such ‘emotional
intelligence’ applied, conflict can even be used positively, creating an energy
that can ‘get things done’. Most importantly, it is within a healthy discussion
or conflict that we can capture the differences and diversity that make a
community, group or family a stronger, richer, more entrained unit. At the very
least, we can agree to disagree!
Jennifer
I wonder whether you are as puzzled as I am by the lack of emotional maturity amongst politicians these days? Where is the emotional intelligence? Not that we should expect our leaders to have the highest EI any more than that they should have the highest IQ. but the complete lack of it we are seeing around the world beggars belief. It seems to me that uncontrolled emotions are completely running things.
