EMOTIONS OVER INTELLECT?

Emotions over Intellect or intellect over emotions? When I heard this question raised on the radio, I stopped in my tracks. What?! This can’t be right. But the voice on the radio went on, extrapolating his belief that we have become a society with too much focus on emotions. According to him, we talk about them, revel in them, and use them as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour. This may occasionally be true, but it became clear that he viewed emotions as completely separate from intellect – in fact he claimed that a focus on emotions somehow dumbs us down, interferes with our intellectual progress and actually reduces logical thinking. In these last three words, I finally agreed he had a point, but not in the way he meant it!

If the question were ‘either emotion OR intellect’ – it would indicate that if we want to achieve intellectual prowess we need to get rid or reduce our emotions, not give them any attention – which is tantamount to stuffing our feelings in a bag. My first argument against this attitude is that we now have almost a century’s worth of evidence showing how stifling emotions damages both mental and physical health in all manner of ways. Secondly and more to the point, as far as the intellect is concerned our emotional state actually drives our thinking. When our feelings are positive, happy, engaged, enthused, purposeful, inspired, or passionate, our brain is fully ‘switched on’ and works at its highest potential. Emotions only dumb down our intelligent, reasonable thinking when they are negatively stress-producing and unmanaged, when they trigger signals sent between the brain and the body that prime us for defence.

We only have one system to deal with stress, and this system is designed to prepare us for self-defence against physical threat. When it is triggered, our energy needs to be diverted to our body, our heart beating faster so that blood and oxygen can be sent to our muscles and we become stronger and more able to fight or run away from a rabid animal or some other threat. In such cases, we also need our brain to be laser-focused, so any area of the brain that makes us empathic, creative, curious or otherwise ‘intellectually inclined, is of no use and so basically shuts down.  

Unfortunately, these days when our 'threat system' becomes triggered, we are usually experiencing a threat to our assumptions, expectations, pride or ego. So, when we are stuck in traffic and that all-important meeting may be missed or we feel offended or rejected by a text or email, our brain – if unmanaged – goes into its ‘threat response’. The result is that any logical, intelligent thinking is reduced to almost naught and in many cases is obliterated altogether. Anyone who has regretted their own actions or behaviour will likely recognise this experience!

Emotions and intellect are two parts of the same human brain, and both are needed for either to function well. In order for both to flourish, one cannot stifle the other, instead they must collaborate. We need to use the intellect to acknowledge, validate and learn what our emotions are telling us (yes, they all have something to tell us), and learn to manage our emotions so they support the intellect.

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This is all the work of attaining and applying emotional mastery - and although you could say this is all very relevant to the current state of world affairs(!), we can only really take charge of ourselves.

For information about coaching and resources go to www.AppliedEmotionalMastery.com or for tips and guided meditations to help build emotional mastery, go to www.youtube.com/EmotionRevolution

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DOS AND DON'TS FOR LIVING MINDFULLY

What does it actually take to operate from a mindful, considered, 'grown-up' place, on a day-to-day basis? With the increasingly popular mindfulness practices, meditation apps, and 'being in the present moment' concepts, all written and talked about wherever we turn, shouldn't we be getting good at it by now? – It all sounds really good, and simple, but sometimes it’s easier to put into words than to put into practice! Especially when we're presented with life’s assorted messes, when the proverbial .... hits the fan and when our buttons are pushed by other people – again and again! It’s not easy, that’s for sure! 

But as with anything that’s difficult or 'easier said than done', a few brief guidelines or tips to hang on the fridge can be more practically helpful than the most convincing, eloquently written book or even app. 

Short, simple, practical tips can go a long way towards helping us be the mindful, considered person we’d like to be, -in the office, in traffic, at the breakfast table- no matter what others get up to!

Here’s a few such tips I have found to be helpful:

BE

Be in ownership of your emotions. For example, when you feel disturbed or annoyed, label your own feelings rather than people (i.e. ‘I feel frustrated right now.’ rather than ‘You’re so lazy!’)

Be mindful of your own physical needs: Have you slept enough? Are you dehydrated? Hungry? Exhausted? If so, take care of your needs. Once the physical needs have been met, you’ll be better able to manage your emotions.

Be in acknowledgment when your negative emotions aren’t serving you.

Take a Time-Out  so you can Take a ‘Time-in’. (A ten-minutes break from a situation, for a few slow breaths and calm self-reflection, can help you self-regulate to problem-solve or at the very least de-escalate the situation.)

DO

Do look for learning and growth in your negative emotions. In the words of my grandmother: ‘Nothing is so bad that it’s not good for something.”

Do respectfully validate other people’s feelings, regardless of what you think of them AND regardless of their age. Nobody's feelings are wrong.

Do place your own agenda aside for just 30 seconds in order to step into someone else’s shoes. What must it feel like to be them right now?

DON’T

Do not play the blame game or ‘send someone on a guilt-trip!’ It never ends well!

Avoid judging or criticizing others. Whenever you can, acknowledge everyone’s unique path and emotional reality – nobody’s reality is the same.

Do not try to control or change others. (It ain’t possible! Honestly!)

Last but not least, make sure you're having some laughter and play in your life! (Have you noticed how often the Dalai Lama is caught on camera laughing?) 

MINDFULNESS or HEARTFULNESS?

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 In Asian languages, the word for mind is usually the same as the word for heart. 

 

In this time when mindfulness has become a trend so popular it’s just about gone viral, it could be worth considering whether such a linguistic fact may be relevant to the true practice of mindfulness; is it just about simply quieting the mind and being fully present in the moment (as many describe it), or should it also somehow involve the heart? And if the answer is ‘yes’ (as the more serious practitioners have it), what does that look like?

Mindfulness has been around for thousands of years – as a part of the Buddhist religion but also in other forms, and framed in many ways. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, (the originator of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction MBSR, and responsible for bringing mindfulness to both medical and mainstream popularity) “If you’re not hearing the word heartfulness when you’re hearing the word mindfulness, you’re really not understanding what it’s all about. ……. Mindfulness is pointing at something beyond words, underneath words, underneath thinking.” 

So what is underneath words and thinking? What is heartfulness? Some would say it’s the wisdom of the heart, and others would say it is feelings such as love, compassion, and kindness. I would say it’s all of the above and more, for it involves the balanced management of emotions. The heart reflects the emotions we feel, revealed in the patterns created by the heart’s rhythms. When our emotions are brought into our awareness and we learn to manage them so they serve us, our relationships, our life-path and our values, then our heart rhythms will be harmonious - and coherent with a fully present mind. On the other hand, if those emotions are disturbing or unpleasant and unmanaged, so too are the rhythms of the heart. At this point our conscious mind will take a hike up into the busy-ness of our ‘monkey brain’, and mindfulness will no longer happen.

Mind and heart must combine to create the deeper present moment awareness –the mindfulness- that gives us the ability to accept and take pleasure in each moment of work and play, to fully listen to those we dialog with, to deeply appreciate each interaction with loved ones, to savour each morsel we eat and drink, to relish tastes and smells and sights and sounds, delight in musical notes as they reach our ears and in views as we glance upon them, and to surrender to the experience of life, in all it’s glory and messiness. In short, mindfulness need not be a passing fad, or a short-term, fast-acting replacement for pain-killers or anti-depressants, or even the latest way to deal with the stresses and strains of modern or corporate life.

Mindfulness in it’s true form is heartfulness – (it is in the work we do with Applied Emotional Mastery as well as in the work of many of our contemporaries and peers); - it's message is to maximize good and minimize harm, both to oneself and others. It is a daily decision, a way of life, a discipline (in the best sense of the word), that increases awareness and acceptance, insights and wisdom, and that helps us BE fully in-the-moment and (to paraphrase Viktor Frankl) conscious of that space between stimulus and response – where we can pause to make more informed choices - where we can choose to move in the direction of maximizing good.

So even if commercialism takes over and the popularity of mindfulness eventually wanes, the message it has brought and spread, and the heartfulness within it, will surely only have contributed positively to our planet. And (quite fitting for this 'month of the heart') I figure that's good news, however you look at it.

You Are Lovable And Capable!

You are loveable and capable! Innately we all are and we are all born ‘knowing’ this. I see it in the eyes of my beautiful one-year-old granddaughter; she knows she is loveable and she knows she is capable of everything she needs to do at this point in time. It’s glorious to watch – but when I later sit with myself or my clients, I am not quite so thrilled as I observe the self-sabotaging beliefs so many of us have developed, which include believing we are not loveable, or fearing we are not capable.

These beliefs are programmed into us, one by one, by well-meaning parents and other adults who tell us to try harder – that it’s not quite good enough, or watch out, you’ll get hurt! Much of the programming is of course necessary for us to survive and to thrive, but too much of it is not. So what to do when you’re a grown-up with such beliefs?  

Well, there are many techniques out there that can help us change such limiting beliefs – some more effective than others. For me, the most important factor in any technique is the emotional component; recognizing and addressing that our emotions drive our thinking; that our beliefs are just thoughts and perceptions wrapped in emotions., and therefore the most important thing to focus on is changing the underlying emotion – which starts with knowing what the emotion is.  Seems like a ‘duh’ point to make – but it strikes me that it needs to be made, over and over.

We are all moving through life faster and faster, with more and more to do, and ever expanding technology we need to master in order that we can do even more. And the first thing that gets lost in this process is our awareness of, and sensitivity to, our emotions.  We have no time, and so we ignore any little niggle or stress and instead forge ahead, either powering through whatever new tasks or challenges present themselves or procrastinating without taking the time to feel and so address why we might be avoiding whatever it is. But the emotions are still there, building up inside us one by one, until there is such a big pile of them – inevitably re-enforcing the fear that we are not really capable, and the belief that we may not be so loveable after all. If this resonates, I say to you as I say to myself, STOP.
Take a moment and check in.
Dare to be still.
Breathe.
Let all that tension go.
Feel the feelings and acknowledge them, no matter how upsetting. Sit with them long enough to allow them to let go of their hold on you – and release any tension they have caused (run, jump up and down, punch a pillow, count 1,2,3, and scream! Or massage your shoulders and neck, or just write…. whatever works for you.) When the tension is released, breathe again, slowly, out.
Then focus for a moment on something you can love and appreciate, like a pet, a flower, a baby, or just being alive. Breathe into it and allow yourself to FEEL the good feeling, in your body.
Then say to yourself “I Am Loveable And Capable”.

A small suggestion: Try writing IALAC on a sticker and post it opposite your toilet seat, that way you’ll be forced to remember it several times a day .............

:-)