One Thing We Take For Granted

Sitting in a very crowded London tube train the other day, I couldn’t help but overhear two young men – college students – conversing next to me. One of them was describing the gift he was creating for his parents’ anniversary, an elaborately mounted photo collage he clearly found difficult to complete. It sounded like a time consuming project.  “It’s an upgrade of the gift I made for their wedding, I think it will be good enough, don’t you?” he said to his friend. I was curious about the back-story but his obvious care and thoughtfulness over-rode my curiosity. He struck me as being somewhat un-typical of that age group, or of how we normally perceive that age group, and the humbling thought occurred to me that we possibly underestimate young people because of their youth. I immediately felt a surge of gratitude for my own daughter at that age and the constant care and thoughtfulness she exhibited, and still does. I wonder how many of us have someone in our lives who is especially caring, a person who goes that extra mile, but who we don't necessarily remember to acknowledge for it?  This young man on the tube reminded me not only how important it is to recognize young people, but how important it is to shift our focus away from anyone that bothers or upsets us towards those that care, and that show us they care. Won't you join me in appreciating kind, considerate people, of all ages, a little more?

Monty's Corner

I was recently asked to write an article for Monty’s Corner – a wonderful website that offers online information and activities for children who are going through cancer treatments or finished treatments, and online services and information for their parents. Having worked with a few families with children suffering from childhood leukaemia, I was able to share some experiences of tools that I have found can help families cope with this very difficult challenge. You can read the article here: http://bit.ly/WE9l0r
Should you, or anyone you know be in such a situation, do check out this very special, much needed and helpful website!
http://bit.ly/Pmc3pB

What Self-Control?

Having fasted for two days, I sat down with a good conscience, a fruit smoothy and a piece of chocolate to read an article about self-control. The author of the article claimed that psychologists have isolated the personal qualities that predict positive outcomes in life as being intelligence and self-control. So excited is he about this idea that he has gone on to write a complete book about self-control, claiming it’s the ultimate secret to a successful life. Hmmmmm, I wonder if that is merely his interpretation of the findings that the qualities embodied in emotional intelligence are the greatest predictor of success and fulfillment? I suspect this is at least a twist on that research and if so we can safely say that the interpretation skews the findings so much that it squeezes the very essence out - that essence being emotion. While the article goes on to make many good points – such as that self-control is driven in part by our physiology and so is greatly affected by what we eat and how much sleep we’ve had (stating this as if it’s a new discovery hints at that the article was not written by a mother :-) – The writer goes on to say that the best way to improve self-control is by first setting a goal and then monitoring your own behaviour.  Whoa – this is where I beg to differ, for where is the critical ingredient - emotion? The underlying cause of most lack of self-control is emotional, usually an emotional need that is not being met, and if all we do is set a goal and monitor our behaviour, we could miss the root cause altogether and just end up stuffing those driving feelings with who knows what dysfunctional results. Where is the intelligence in that? No, I must put my two bits in here: there is a step we need to take first, before any other, and that step is awareness– self-awareness and specifically emotional self-awareness. Only after we know what we feel and why we feel it can we hope to make any permanent change in how we control ourselves…… and oh yes, what we eat! I believe that brings us full circle?

Debunking a Myth!

Planning to write a Blog about coaching the so called ‘soft skills’ I sat down at my computer. As occasionally happens, I was almost immediately distracted by another idea; the qualities and skills of a good coach. I began writing, but two sentences in yet an other idea came to me; high achieving athletes and what we can learn from them! Considering the recent Olympics and the upcoming Paralympics I thought writing about the role of discipline and stick-to-it-iveness versus raw talent would be timely. Oh dear - too many directions! I felt like someone driving round a roundabout not knowing which exit to take. A cup of tea was what I needed! I took a break and put the kettle on, picking up the day’s paper. An article caught my eye: The Talent Myth. I began reading, quickly mesmerized, for there were all three of my topics written about in one article! And brilliantly so! Incredulous and delighted I went back to my computer – not to write but to search for the article on-line, so that rather than re-invent the wheel, I could offer you a link to a very interesting read!
http://ind.pn/SJqQdL

The Real Body Beautiful

Rarely has there been such a display of beautiful bodies as at the recent Olympics ….. and living as I do in London, well – the display has been everywhere! And healthy beautiful bodies too – how refreshing- the radiant health is in itself beautiful! Makes my mind wander to other ways that the body is beautiful, ways we don’t normally consider. One of those ways, to me, is the language of the body, not just it’s expression outwardly but inwardly, the way the body speaks to us, internally (if we just listen). The body tells us how and what we feel, when we feel pleasure, when we feel pain, and when we need to speed up or slow down - which we often ignore at our peril!  It tells us when we have excess energy (like anger); if we listen we can transform that energy into something useful (like outrage) that can drive us to taking action to help us achieve and attract what we want. If we ‘listen’ to the pleasure, rather than rushing on to our next 'vital action', we can stop for just a moment and enjoy it, relish the pleasure long enough for it to release more endorphins and hormones that will boost our immune system, slow down our ageing process, increase motivation, make our brains more creative and can even reduce cravings, as well as give us a glow that – guess what – makes us more beautiful on the outside! Gives the old saying ‘beauty comes from within’ a whole new meaning!

Olympic Movement

The Olympics are all around me here in London: endless activity, movement, exertion and speed! Then excitement, joy, pride, disappointment, regret, frustration, humility, elation, delight, and many more emotions – and constant, endless, perpetual movement ………..

The word ‘move’ has the same Latin root as the word emotion – emovere*.  Makes sense, right?  – not only do emotions move through us 24/7, (whether we are aware of them or not), their power is unmatched. They cause us to say things we try to find ways to un-say; they cause us to do things we wish we could undo. They can also fill us up with energy and drive us to achieve amazing things – as demonstrated here in London by so many right now!

Observing all these wonderful athletes from around the world, coming together in the only event that momentarily suspends differences and places all nationalities peacefully on common ground,  I wonder how many of the athletes are using their true ability to manage their emotions to help them achieve their goals and their medals?  Would becoming more emotionally aware and mindful help us all to spread the experience of equality and peace beyond the Olympics?

Personally, I believe it would – and does.

* Latin emovere, from e- (variant of ex-) 'out' + movere 'move'.

Cotton-Wool or Free-Range Kids?

For some time now I have strongly suspected that we have become far more attached to our technology than is good for us. (Contrary to what this sentence may indicate, I am NOT about to embark on technology-bashing!) Recently it seems every newspaper and periodical I pick up has an article that in some way points to my suspicion as survey after survey shows that we are increasingly living technology-filled and virtually nature-free lives! One article posed the question” Cotton-wool kids – or free-range children?” I wonder, do we consciously make that choice, or is it just happening as we get wrapped up in texting, tweeting, emailing and friending, while we try to navigate the increasing demands on our time as well as that of our children – scheduling all their activities, not to mention ensuring their protection – and ending our days by collapsing in front of the TV? 
Apparently less than ten percent of children today regularly play in the free outdoors, (this compares to fifty percent of their parents when they were children). One study shows that kids can more easily identify a fictional character from TV than a wild animal. We all know that obesity levels have tripled in the last decade, and children’s mental  health is on a sharp decline.
Technology in and of itself is, of course, not the culprit; it’s the way we employ it - our indiscriminate use of it - that’s the problem. Social media was never meant to disconnect us from nature. It was, and is, merely meant to be a tool that, if anything should give us more freedom!
So while I’m on a roll speculating, I hypothesize that if each time we go to use that tool, to for example text, we ask ourselves is this really necessary, we may find it is not! If each time we click the facebook tab to check the latest posts, we ask ourselves do I need to do this now; or when we go to check our emails for the fifth time today we question the necessity, we may discover the answer is no. And when we reach for the cell phone for whatever reason we instead stop and look around us and take a moment to connect with our environment, directly through our senses, maybe we would glance upon a leaf or a tree and be reminded of nature, wherever we find it. Practising such self-questioning, we may eventually discover we have a little more time to get out into nature and to take our children out into nature, not for the purpose of DOING anything specific, but for no other reason than to just enJOY it – freely………. free-range!

A New Meaning!

Hello is a word
I use every day
It’s not been a big deal, in any way

It’s probably said
more than most other words
On occasion it’s even spoken by birds

I say it, I hear it
I pay it no mind
I move to the next thing and leave it behind

I take it for granted
I always did
Like blinking and breathing, the ego, the id

It never occurred
To give it a thought
It’s only a word that everyone’s taught!

But lo and behold
Just one week ago
I came to discover a new Hello!

The word became everything
Special to me
It filled up my eyes with tears of happy

This word that I’d never
Paid any mind
Became suddenly a word so sublime

The moment I saw
Her sweet little face
At first I stammered and couldn’t find grace

I couldn’t find words
From below or above
I was in awe, I was gob-smacked with love

The word that I said
When I found my voice
Was that word Hello! - now my word of choice!

For what better word
Could there be to bestow
On my new-born granddaughter than that word Hello!

Power of Introverts!

We live in a world that increasingly promotes the ideology of being assertive and outgoing, sociable and even self-promoting, and if we are not that way, we are given the message that we need to fix ourselves, do some self-help (:-) and change! However, (and that’s a BIG however), studies now show, conclusively, that up to one third of us are actually introverts, and many more of us are only outgoing and sociable some of the time. So even if you, reading this, are a full on extrovert, you are bound to know many people who are not! Personally I can be both extrovert and introvert, so I was delighted to watch a great TED talk the other day actually promoting the power of introverts, with author Susan Cain.  I invite you to check it out – it’s MOST enlightening! http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html

Counter Intuitive?

Doesn’t it sometimes feel as if all this insecurity about the future will never end?. Worry and anxiety is ever on the increase, as is our faith in our leaders (all of them, it seems!) Result? We are more likely to take work home, agree to excessive overtime and avoid taking breaks. Does this sound like you? Do you increasingly find yourself eating lunch while still working? Do you continue working at home, during dinner, texting or emailing while sitting with your partner or children and their homework? Although all this gives us the feeling we are being more effective, getting more work done, I have news for you: that's an illusion!

Studies conducted over decades, have found that as the length of the workday increases so too does our lack of efficiency, and that productivity increases only when we take breaks and ensure we have ample time to rest and recover form our workday! One study, published in September last year found that it is even possible to use work time for exercise or other health-promoting measures and still attain the same or higher production levels. Imagine that!

So increasing productivity by effectively relaxing, while feeling worried and anxious? Surely this is counter-intuitive? The big challenge is that it will only cease to be counter-intuitive when we accept that we can choose our emotional responses – when we find ways to shift the anxiety to another response. Fortunately this can become more doable if we have some practical steps, and as this is particularly relevant for the people I currently see, I am getting opportunities to test numerous tools!
Here are some suggestions that have worked for me and for my clients:

1.    MAKE A ‘WIND DOWN’ LIST: After lunch make a list of what you need to accomplish before you leave work and what you will tackle tomorrow. This gives you time to complete your tasks and help you to leave work feeling more like you've wrapped up your day productively.
2.    USE MUSIC. If you can, use music to help give you energy and focus. Use an mp3 player or your computer. Your favourite music will make your work more fun!
3.    LIMIT TAKING WORK HOME. Try to reduce this to once or twice a week, only taking with you what is absolutely necessary. If in doubt, take three deep slow breaths and then ask yourself how much more efficient this would make you.
4.    BUY A JOURNAL. If a particularly challenging issue or situation at work makes it difficult to relax once you get home, open you journal. And write about it: write about the issue, how you feel, and where in your body you feel the associated tension. When you’ve finished writing, put your journal away. Later, when you’ve eaten, relaxed and feel better, come back to your journal and see if you have a different perspective.

You can also go to the Member Zone on our website for loads of free audios to help you relax - at work and at home, alone and with your kids! www.thebeingeffect.com