Why Can't We Just Get A Grip?

Twitter rants, Facebook bullying, political knee-jerk decisions, and reactive behaviour - all driven by out-of-control emotions. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could get a handle on some of this? I wonder how many people are aware of how much out-of-control emotions run our lives? Most people know that emotions are powerful, but I’d go so far as to say they are THE most powerful force we have. They drive everything of significance. And while they are powerful when you are aware of them, emotions wreak havoc when you’re not. Why is this? How come emotions are so powerful that they make us say and do things we later regret? Why can’t we just get a grip? 
Well, you cannot always ‘pull yourself together’ (as my mother used to say), because emotions are often triggered without our conscious knowledge, they are literally physical changes that occur in the body when you register signals from your environment which you may or may not be aware of.

A typical scenario might be if you smell something that reminds your subconscious mind of a strong childhood experience, which will rekindle the same emotion you originally had. When this is a positive experience, (i.e. the smell of pastries your mother baked for celebrations) it may trigger the release of dopamine – a ‘feel-good’ hormone that reinforces reward. Conversely, if the association and resulting emotion is negative, (i.e. the whiff of pastries that your mother baked when she left you to cry yourself to sleep as a baby) it will rekindle the feeling of abandonment you felt, as cortisol is released in your conditioned but subconscious stress-response (no matter how illogical this may seem to an adult who doesn’t consciously remember being left in the crib). Changes like these occur instantly and many times a day. Whether you are conscious of them or not, they impact what you think and believe and consequently, how you act.

But these signals from our surroundings need not always involve memory –and sometimes our responses are designed for a purpose. For example when a mother breastfeeds her baby, the stimulation releases oxytocin (often referred to as ‘the bonding hormone) in her breast tissue, which makes her milk flow. Importantly, it changes her emotional state: her anxiety levels drop and she becomes more calm, patient, and able to meet her baby’s needs. Until recently oxytocin was only associated with reproduction, but it has now been also shown to play a far more significant role in our behaviour and all our relationships than previously thought. Dr Paul Zak of Loma Linda University Medical Center in California, has conducted hundreds of studies with oxytocin, worldwide. His research found that Oxytocin is released in all of us when we trust someone or when we feel trusted. It makes us pro-social, more generous, honourable, and even moral! His research has also found that although there is no correlation between happiness and income level, there is a tight correlation between happiness and trust; that living in a society where there is a high level of trust makes people happier.

This is great information indeed! But could it help prevent all the rants, the bullying, and knee-jerk reactions we all so want to see diminish?
I think it could – first and foremost, by making us more self-aware about how the negative, stress-producing emotions impact us. As it turns out, the stress hormones that are released when we experience strong negative emotions actually inhibit the release of Oxytocin, which in turn leads to a lack of empathy and reduced care and concern for others. So now we know that not only do stress-producing, out-of-control emotions reduce our ability to think clearly and compromise our immune system, but they also block Oxytocin, the purpose of which is to increase our ability to connect with, trust and be trusted by or even care about others. This helps us understand even better why we sometimes rant or behave in knee-jerk ways that are defensive, inappropriate, unkind or thoughtless (literally). It also gives us yet another reason to try to be more self-aware and take charge of our previously out-of-control damaging emotions, and is one more argument in favour of practicing generating the ‘feel-good’ factor!

SOME WAYS TO GENERATE OXYTOCIN & THE FEEL-GOOD FACTOR

Smile to the next person you see
Stroke a pet
Give or get a massage
Dance
Create music with others
Appreciate something – anything!
Give someone you care about a nice surprise
Show your appreciation - to anyone!
Phone or write to an old friend or teacher
Forgive someone
Meditate with a focus on appreciation or compassion
Share a meal with a friend
Watch a feel-good movie
Play with the children in your life – face to face
Make someone laugh
Go to the theatre or a concert with a friend
Join a club or activity group
Socialize – in person!
AND
HUG SOMEONE (Paul Zak’s favorite)
To hear Paul Zak's TED talk, click here

Shared Parenting

For almost two decades now, I have worked with parents who no longer live together but who recognize and appreciate the importance of shared parenting. A family split makes for an emotional time, and creating a collaborative co-parenting situation is almost impossible to do without some kind of support. Unfortunately too many parents in that situation either cannot afford or do not have access to the counseling or coaching they need. Personally, I have to turn away couples because the need is more than I can handle. Too often I hear “Why aren’t there more people like you doing this work?” or “Only lawyers do what they call mediation, but they don’t address day-to-day parenting issues, or what it actually means to ‘put the children first’!” or “I don’t know how to handle what my child is going through!” The results can get so bad that therapy or even drugs are needed. This is sad, because far too often it doesn’t have to be so – if the parents had a procedure to develop their plan and an agreement; if the parents had a little more knowledge of their child’s (and their own) process; if the parents had just a few more tools to help them handle the challenges.

I have long wanted to find a way to help this situation for more separating parents and their young ones, so you can imagine how thrilled I am to be introducing our first On-Line Course and Coaching Program for that very group of people!
FOREVER PARENTS is a 6-part home-study course with audios, transcripts, family games, check-lists, samples of a co-parenting agreement and a co-parent plan, and six one-to-one coaching opportunities (in a secure space, unlike emails!) and even an e-book! And participants can do it any time they want! Can you tell I’m excited?

Helping divorcing couples over the years, I have seen many manage to get through their split and move into collaborative, shared parenting in ways that work really well and that prevent needless suffering for their children. I feel so blessed to be doing this work, and now –thanks to brilliant technology – I have the opportunity to offer it to everyone who needs it!

If you, or anyone you know is in the process of splitting up with a partner but would like to make shared parenting work, this link gives a special pre-launch offer – www.theBeingEffect.com

Switching Off!

I am not sure whether it’s because of the winter weather or just life ‘these days’ but I’m increasingly being asked for more ‘quick fix’ ideas to de-stress from work to home. I know I've shared some before, but obviously not enough (:-)

I have found that establishing a ritual, a regular action you take on the way home from work every day to 'switch off' is key.
If you drive, play a specific piece of music and stop at a special place, taking five minutes to just breathe slowly, close your eyes and let the tension go. If you commute by bus or train, make it enjoyable – listen to a book or your favourite music or read a chapter of a novel that is pure pleasure. This may seem obvious to some, but I'm surprised to find how many people read newspapers with gloom and doom stories, (exacerbating any stress) as they travel home.......... not really a good idea to my mind.

When you pull up in front of your door, try to stop for a moment, take three slow breaths and appreciate something, (anything!) allowing yourself to smile before you open the door.
Inside your front door, place a box or basket or shelf where you can park your work (bag, briefcase or even laptop if you dare!) and don’t pick it up again until the next morning!

If you have children, gather around the kitchen table with a nice drink and chat about your day - with all technology switched off. Or find something else special, preferably ‘un-plugged’, that you can do together daily, making it the official start to your evening.

Hope that's helpful! I'd love to get more ideas - so please share if you have any!!!!

Feeling Alive in 2013!

‘What do I want to be when I grow up?” joked a client as he explored the prospect of making his New Years resolutions. (He wasn't actually joking.) By now he has established his resolutions and probably, like most of us, knows -or at least has a sense of- whether he will be achieving them or not. Personally, mine will always be more achievable if they are proactive or positive – as opposed to stopping something, depriving myself, or not doing something.

This year I decided to create resolutions in 3 categories ….. what I want to BE more of, DO more of and HAVE more of: The first leads naturally to the second which leads naturally to the third.: Being, Doing and Having always work best in that order, and I find myself more easily successful in my ‘resolution quest’.  For those who are searching for ‘What do I want to be when I grow up?”, this order of focus forces an exploration that in itself can be a powerful way to begin a new year!

So did my client answer his own question? Well yes, after some self-examination he did. And I believe this quote, which I shared with him, helped some!

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”  Howard Thurman

Sums up my Being and Doing resolutions for 2013 quite nicely!

Image by Digitalart

What Purpose?

I came across this Charlie Brown cartoon the other day, and once I’d stopped smiling, it got me thinking – about purpose and about having a sense of it. Meditating on this thought I recollected reading somewhere that for us humans a sense of purpose is almost as strong and significant as the need for sex. I wonder if the endless search for happiness preoccupying so many of us is really all about connecting with meaning and a sense of purpose?

I once attended a talk about the significance of purpose, given by Satish Kumar. He challenged us to consider that the Body, Mind, Spirit movement is no longer relevant – because it’s too ego-centric, even narcissistic - all about MY body, MY mind, MY spirit. Point taken! Instead he proposed a new concept; Soul, Soil and Society: the idea of nurturing one’s soul (self-care; living a more balanced life), in order to feel a more responsible, nurturing connection to the planet (soil) and ultimately to understand that we are all linked, made up of the same stuff, and so we had better take care of each other (society). When all is said and done, we will inevitably find that the most gratifying sense of purpose always involves giving and generating love. Satish finished; “I am only here speaking to you because you are here, listening. You are, therefore I am.”

A lovely concept that I invite us all to weave into our celebration this Christmas. May it be a merry one!

Give or Take

Inexplicably linked to gratitude (and Thanksgiving) is, in my humble opinion, generosity.
I recall a story I once heard about generosity, illustrating how difficult it is to actually put qualities such as gratitude and generosity into daily practice. The story was about a priest who was traveling around the farming community he served, visiting his parishioners. One group of farmers was particularly engaging and he spent some time preaching about the virtues of generosity, charity and kindness. Finally he asked them all to imagine they had one more car than they needed. Then he asked them what they would do with the extra car. One of the farmers immediately responded enthusiastically; “I would give it away to someone who needed it.”
“Now that’s what I call charitable!” the priest exclaimed. “And what if you had two houses? What would you do with the second one?”
“I would give the second one to homeless people,” replied the farmer at once eager to please.
“The spirit of generosity indeed!” the priest smiled with approval. “What if you had two chickens, “ he continued, “what would you do?”
The farmer became suddenly serious. “Why I would keep them both!” he retorted.
“Now why would you, who have been so kind-hearted with great things, all of a sudden cease being generous when it comes to a couple of small chickens?” asked the priest
The farmer replied, “Because I have two chickens!”

Such a great illustration of how we humans can find it so difficult to live according to what we preach – to ‘walk our talk ‘as they say – especially when old emotional fear patterns and self-centredness take over! The thing is when they do, we actually feel uncomfortable, unhappy, because on some level we know we are not living in alignment with our values.

The very good news is that science is repeatedly showing us it’s all in the wiring of the brain – AND we can, by being mindful, actually take charge and change the wiring – be what we really want to be! In the case of the farmer (if he indeed was really as generous as he professed to be) give away that second chicken trusting that ‘what goes around comes around’.

To learn more about coaching and resources that can help ‘change the wiring’, check out www.TheBeingEffect.com

One Thing We Take For Granted

Sitting in a very crowded London tube train the other day, I couldn’t help but overhear two young men – college students – conversing next to me. One of them was describing the gift he was creating for his parents’ anniversary, an elaborately mounted photo collage he clearly found difficult to complete. It sounded like a time consuming project.  “It’s an upgrade of the gift I made for their wedding, I think it will be good enough, don’t you?” he said to his friend. I was curious about the back-story but his obvious care and thoughtfulness over-rode my curiosity. He struck me as being somewhat un-typical of that age group, or of how we normally perceive that age group, and the humbling thought occurred to me that we possibly underestimate young people because of their youth. I immediately felt a surge of gratitude for my own daughter at that age and the constant care and thoughtfulness she exhibited, and still does. I wonder how many of us have someone in our lives who is especially caring, a person who goes that extra mile, but who we don't necessarily remember to acknowledge for it?  This young man on the tube reminded me not only how important it is to recognize young people, but how important it is to shift our focus away from anyone that bothers or upsets us towards those that care, and that show us they care. Won't you join me in appreciating kind, considerate people, of all ages, a little more?

Monty's Corner

I was recently asked to write an article for Monty’s Corner – a wonderful website that offers online information and activities for children who are going through cancer treatments or finished treatments, and online services and information for their parents. Having worked with a few families with children suffering from childhood leukaemia, I was able to share some experiences of tools that I have found can help families cope with this very difficult challenge. You can read the article here: http://bit.ly/WE9l0r
Should you, or anyone you know be in such a situation, do check out this very special, much needed and helpful website!
http://bit.ly/Pmc3pB

What Self-Control?

Having fasted for two days, I sat down with a good conscience, a fruit smoothy and a piece of chocolate to read an article about self-control. The author of the article claimed that psychologists have isolated the personal qualities that predict positive outcomes in life as being intelligence and self-control. So excited is he about this idea that he has gone on to write a complete book about self-control, claiming it’s the ultimate secret to a successful life. Hmmmmm, I wonder if that is merely his interpretation of the findings that the qualities embodied in emotional intelligence are the greatest predictor of success and fulfillment? I suspect this is at least a twist on that research and if so we can safely say that the interpretation skews the findings so much that it squeezes the very essence out - that essence being emotion. While the article goes on to make many good points – such as that self-control is driven in part by our physiology and so is greatly affected by what we eat and how much sleep we’ve had (stating this as if it’s a new discovery hints at that the article was not written by a mother :-) – The writer goes on to say that the best way to improve self-control is by first setting a goal and then monitoring your own behaviour.  Whoa – this is where I beg to differ, for where is the critical ingredient - emotion? The underlying cause of most lack of self-control is emotional, usually an emotional need that is not being met, and if all we do is set a goal and monitor our behaviour, we could miss the root cause altogether and just end up stuffing those driving feelings with who knows what dysfunctional results. Where is the intelligence in that? No, I must put my two bits in here: there is a step we need to take first, before any other, and that step is awareness– self-awareness and specifically emotional self-awareness. Only after we know what we feel and why we feel it can we hope to make any permanent change in how we control ourselves…… and oh yes, what we eat! I believe that brings us full circle?

Debunking a Myth!

Planning to write a Blog about coaching the so called ‘soft skills’ I sat down at my computer. As occasionally happens, I was almost immediately distracted by another idea; the qualities and skills of a good coach. I began writing, but two sentences in yet an other idea came to me; high achieving athletes and what we can learn from them! Considering the recent Olympics and the upcoming Paralympics I thought writing about the role of discipline and stick-to-it-iveness versus raw talent would be timely. Oh dear - too many directions! I felt like someone driving round a roundabout not knowing which exit to take. A cup of tea was what I needed! I took a break and put the kettle on, picking up the day’s paper. An article caught my eye: The Talent Myth. I began reading, quickly mesmerized, for there were all three of my topics written about in one article! And brilliantly so! Incredulous and delighted I went back to my computer – not to write but to search for the article on-line, so that rather than re-invent the wheel, I could offer you a link to a very interesting read!
http://ind.pn/SJqQdL