True Empowerment!

Last week three of my clients, without any connection to each other, expressed almost comical animated delight at the discovery that they really could take charge of their emotions! In each one of them it triggered a strong sense of personal empowerment, making them feel uplifted by the realization that no-one else can make you feel anything without your permission; that even though life-circumstances can often be out of your control, how you respond and behave is completely within your power.  (Being privileged to witness such moments in people’s lives makes me truly in-love with my job!)

Elaborating on the point, the late great family therapist Virginia Satir wrote a classic piece that describes our capacity for personal power inspirationally. Here it is - enjoy!

I am me

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me

Everything that comes out of me is authentically me
 - because I alone chose it  
I own everything about me, my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears – I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. 
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me – by so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me. 
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me.
If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me – I am me and I AM OKAY

Who Is Right?

 

--> War does not determine who is right - only who is left. - Bertrand Russell

There’s a true story about soldiers fighting in the rice fields in Vietnam that illustrates how our perception can be changed by emotional responses to other people and their actions.

American soldiers were on one side of the rice fields and the Viet Cong were on the other, both shooting at each other continuously. Suddenly, out of the blue, a small group of Buddhist monks came walking quietly along a low wall in the midst of the rice-fields, right in the firing line. Slowly and purposefully they walked, one after the other, not looking left or right, as if it was a perfectly normal thing to do. And guess what? Abruptly, all shooting stopped. Soldiers on both sides were so taken aback (and, I would think humbled) by the unexpected sight, that something in their brains shifted and they stopped firing at each other. Once the monks were gone, the shift in their brains stayed that way and one by one they all went back to their respective camps. There was no more shooting that day.

With the focus on war and hostility ever present in most living rooms, coming at us on whatever screen we have switched on - never mind the violence that is perpetrated as a result - I wonder if we will ever have a society without war and violence? I wonder what it would take to permanently shift our brains to a state of peace without force, of purpose without aggression, of care without imposition, of justice without vengeance?

Big, heavy questions – probably not going to be answered any time soon! But if we apply them to ourselves, our homes, workplaces, children and relationships, they suddenly become a little more manageable, don’t you find?
(And Bertrand Russel's quote can be applied to any conflict too!)

Happiness Habits!

Not for the first time, the 'topic of the moment' seems to be happiness! Of all the people discussing it recently, Arianna Huffington offered a particularly succinct view of the main qualities that constitute happiness (on a news program the other day) as including; “.... our capacity to tap into our own wisdom and make good decisions.” She pointed out how many of today’s leaders are clearly unable to do this (:-) fueled as they are by sleep deprivation, exhaustion and burnout; "Then they make terrible decisions!”
I couldn’t agree more – I see it all the time, don’t you?

How can we have the wonder, joy and human connection so vital for happiness when we are burnt out and our brains are frazzled?
So what to do about it? What can we each do individually to prevent burn-out and become happier? Someone asked me today for a check-list, (of which I have several - as my clients know well :-)  However, today I’d like to offer a great list of six habits developed by Researchers at UC Berkeley. 

1. Pay Attention - Be Mindful: When we are mindful our immune systems become stronger and we are less likely to be anxious or aggressive.

2. Give Thanks: Regular expressions of gratitude promote optimism, improved health, and greater satisfaction with life.

3. Keep Friends Close: Social connections are key to happiness; make time for those closest to you.

4. Drop Grudges: When we forgive those who have wronged us, we feel better about ourselves, experience more positive emotions, and feel closer to others.

5. Practice Kindness: Being kind to others makes us feel good. Altruistic acts light up the same pleasure centres in the brain as food and sex!

6. Get Moving!: Regular exercise increases self-esteem, reduces anxiety and stress, and may well be the most effective instant happiness booster of all!

RELAXED?

Summer is well and truly here – and  whether we are on holiday or not, relaxation is on the agenda! The question is, when you relax, do you really relax? Sitting in the park the other day, enjoying the warm sunshine beaming down from an unusually clear blue sky (unusual at least for London!), my mind was flitting from one thought to another at normal lightning speed, mulling over all the tasks I needed to complete when a small breeze rustled the trees behind me, bringing me into the present. It dawned on me that I wasn’t really relaxing.  My shoulders were tense and my jaw was slightly clenched, yet I had come to the park specifically to relax, to allow my body to rest and recover from recent busy activities and pressures. I needed to relax and had no excuse not to, knowing very well how to - never mind knowing the ramifications of not relaxing.  I smiled when I realised that I was now judging myself and creating even more tension. The humour helped and I exhaled, finally releasing the tension in my face, neck and shoulders. Significantly a small child ran past me, giggling to herself as she went.

It is a fact that tension and relaxation cannot co-exist – try tensing your fist and relaxing it simultaneously! Problems arise when we hold onto tension long after the need has passed; for example, have you ever found yourself frowning, clenching your fist or teeth and not even realizing you had been doing it?  Aside from letting us know it’s time to let go or relax, this indicates that our body is communicating to us about an emotional reaction or experience we are invariably holding onto. When we take the time to become aware of our own particular tension points, we can discover what they are telling us and respond accordingly. My clenched jaw tells me I am projecting into the future, worrying and not being present. A client tells me her jaw clenches when she is angry, and for yet another it signifies anxiety.

The body is such an awesome information carrier, with it’s own language that can give us huge chunks of knowledge about ourselves and make us increasingly self-aware – which the first and most essential step whether we are wanting to relax, enjoy it fully, or just have much more fun!

If you'd like to join me and my colleagues on line to further explore this subject, and how you can develop more insights and wisdom through emotional awareness, click here!

Happy Summer!

You Are Lovable And Capable!

You are loveable and capable! Innately we all are and we are all born ‘knowing’ this. I see it in the eyes of my beautiful one-year-old granddaughter; she knows she is loveable and she knows she is capable of everything she needs to do at this point in time. It’s glorious to watch – but when I later sit with myself or my clients, I am not quite so thrilled as I observe the self-sabotaging beliefs so many of us have developed, which include believing we are not loveable, or fearing we are not capable.

These beliefs are programmed into us, one by one, by well-meaning parents and other adults who tell us to try harder – that it’s not quite good enough, or watch out, you’ll get hurt! Much of the programming is of course necessary for us to survive and to thrive, but too much of it is not. So what to do when you’re a grown-up with such beliefs?  

Well, there are many techniques out there that can help us change such limiting beliefs – some more effective than others. For me, the most important factor in any technique is the emotional component; recognizing and addressing that our emotions drive our thinking; that our beliefs are just thoughts and perceptions wrapped in emotions., and therefore the most important thing to focus on is changing the underlying emotion – which starts with knowing what the emotion is.  Seems like a ‘duh’ point to make – but it strikes me that it needs to be made, over and over.

We are all moving through life faster and faster, with more and more to do, and ever expanding technology we need to master in order that we can do even more. And the first thing that gets lost in this process is our awareness of, and sensitivity to, our emotions.  We have no time, and so we ignore any little niggle or stress and instead forge ahead, either powering through whatever new tasks or challenges present themselves or procrastinating without taking the time to feel and so address why we might be avoiding whatever it is. But the emotions are still there, building up inside us one by one, until there is such a big pile of them – inevitably re-enforcing the fear that we are not really capable, and the belief that we may not be so loveable after all. If this resonates, I say to you as I say to myself, STOP.
Take a moment and check in.
Dare to be still.
Breathe.
Let all that tension go.
Feel the feelings and acknowledge them, no matter how upsetting. Sit with them long enough to allow them to let go of their hold on you – and release any tension they have caused (run, jump up and down, punch a pillow, count 1,2,3, and scream! Or massage your shoulders and neck, or just write…. whatever works for you.) When the tension is released, breathe again, slowly, out.
Then focus for a moment on something you can love and appreciate, like a pet, a flower, a baby, or just being alive. Breathe into it and allow yourself to FEEL the good feeling, in your body.
Then say to yourself “I Am Loveable And Capable”.

A small suggestion: Try writing IALAC on a sticker and post it opposite your toilet seat, that way you’ll be forced to remember it several times a day .............

:-)