BECOMING IS BETTER THAN BEING

A popular saying in the 60’s, ‘Becoming is better than being’ expressed the idea that growth was more desirable than a permanent state. It is a notion whose time has come again – this time around not so much as an ideology but as a result of research - research that I for one, am thrilled to read.

As a young (and very average) student ballet dancer ‘back in the day’, I was fleetingly encouraged by a claim that to be successful required only two percent talent and ninety-eight percent hard work. Unfortunately, my hard work seemed to go unnoticed and I felt increasingly discouraged and timid, gradually withdrawing from situations where my lack of self-confidence might be reinforced. The success I sought eluded me until I finally applied the hard work to the areas in which I was perceived to have ‘talent’. Two different careers later I discovered that I had been raised with a not-so-helpful ‘fixed’ mindset; when talent and abilities are praised and rewarded, and mistakes and efforts that fall short are indicators of lack of ability and to be discouraged or avoided. Conversely, a ‘growth’ mindset -viewing faults and failure as opportunities for growth- is a mindset that, I discovered, not only gradually reveals untapped abilities but opens doors of previously unimagined possibilities.

The terms ‘growth mindset and ‘fixed mindset’ were coined by one of the leading researchers in the field, Professor Carol Dweck at Stanford University, who is also often credited with popularising the ‘Becoming is better than being’ quote. Her research has attracted increasing attention among educators and mental health professionals because her findings show that, rather than focusing on intelligence and innate achievement, it is far more important to reward effort, creative strategies, and perseverance.

This growth mindset is all about ‘becoming’. It views the process; the effort; the ‘journey’; the growth itself as having more value than ‘being’ in the accomplished state. Although we are all inclined to praise intelligence and ability in both ourselves and in our children, research shows that this actually creates a ‘fixed mindset’ resulting in fragile people without the resilience needed to effectively tackle adversity or to persevere in the face of difficulty. With such a mindset, when we feel rejected or disappointed, we immediately think ‘I’m not likeable. I’m not approved of – I’m not a good enough person’, feeling guilt or shame for having done something negative or failed to achieved a goal. However, with a growth mindset we think ‘I am not happy with what I did. It’s inconsistent with my values. How can I better understand it? What can I learn from it? How can I make up for it and improve in the future?’

Dweck is often asked to compare her findings with the ever-popular Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and her response is particularly interesting. “CBT often says “Don’t think you’re not a smart person because you didn’t get an A. Look at all the other A’s you got – you’re a smart person.” But in the mindset framework, we’re saying “Get out of the smart-person framework entirely, Stop thinking about that the good or bad measures you but rather think of yourself as a work in progress.” CBT asks you to find evidence to challenge the argument, and we’re saying it’s the wrong argument.”

I find this particularly interesting because it validates and supports our work with Applied Emotional Mastery – where we focus on the feeling state and using the management of emotions to help better understand, learn from, and continuously improve – whether it’s in relationships, parenting, managing others or opening our own mind up to more possibilities; in other words to develop a growth mindset.

So, as we approach a new year again, why not start treating your mistakes, and your children’s mistakes, as exciting, interesting, perfect opportunities for learning and growth, and for building resilience. Had that been my mindset as a young dancer, who knows, age aside I might still be prancing around ‘en pointe’!

Who Is Right?

 

--> War does not determine who is right - only who is left. - Bertrand Russell

There’s a true story about soldiers fighting in the rice fields in Vietnam that illustrates how our perception can be changed by emotional responses to other people and their actions.

American soldiers were on one side of the rice fields and the Viet Cong were on the other, both shooting at each other continuously. Suddenly, out of the blue, a small group of Buddhist monks came walking quietly along a low wall in the midst of the rice-fields, right in the firing line. Slowly and purposefully they walked, one after the other, not looking left or right, as if it was a perfectly normal thing to do. And guess what? Abruptly, all shooting stopped. Soldiers on both sides were so taken aback (and, I would think humbled) by the unexpected sight, that something in their brains shifted and they stopped firing at each other. Once the monks were gone, the shift in their brains stayed that way and one by one they all went back to their respective camps. There was no more shooting that day.

With the focus on war and hostility ever present in most living rooms, coming at us on whatever screen we have switched on - never mind the violence that is perpetrated as a result - I wonder if we will ever have a society without war and violence? I wonder what it would take to permanently shift our brains to a state of peace without force, of purpose without aggression, of care without imposition, of justice without vengeance?

Big, heavy questions – probably not going to be answered any time soon! But if we apply them to ourselves, our homes, workplaces, children and relationships, they suddenly become a little more manageable, don’t you find?
(And Bertrand Russel's quote can be applied to any conflict too!)