Our Parents Were Right!

We have so many simple, innate ways to combat stress and to function more happily and effectively - innate as in we already know how – we are designed - to do it. Unfortunately, when we don’t heed our own ‘knowing’ the opposite effect is often the result; i.e. more stress!
Take posture for example. We know that good posture makes us feel better and look better. But did you know that slouching makes you more sensitive to aches and discomfort?
Many of us growing up had parents who would tell us to stand up straight. For me this meant that, between my parents and regular ballet classes, I eventually realized that I actually felt better when I opened my chest and pulled up or stretched the spine. To this day, it seems to have the same effect as smiling does, releasing ‘feel-good’ hormones into the blood stream. I can almost always feel the difference, practically immediately!
Now, several scientific studies (from the universities of Toronto and Southern California) have shown that good posture not only feels good but also increases tolerance to pain! Conversely, slouching has the opposite effect, making us less pain tolerant. In other words, standing up straight actually toughens you up. Who knew?! I am forever amazed at the amount of natural resources we have, already contained within our own bodies!

Another Side to Positive Psychology?

A negative side to positive psychology? Could it be? Methinks so. Although a great believer in the power of positivity, (emotionally & mentally), I have always questioned positive psychology as a blanket approach – it doesn’t quite embrace the whole human experience and, I have found, can often cause both frustration and resentment. Imagine then my appreciation when I read not just one, but two recent studies showing a revised perspective!
One study (at the University of Washington) addressed one of my favourite topics: culture. Emotions have a different meaning for people from different cultures, as for example in Asian cultures where a balance of positive and negative emotions is aspired to, (rather than in our Western cultures where we desire a maximum of positive emotions). This particular study compared stress levels, symptoms of depression, and the emotional experiences of Asians, Asian-Americans and European Americans. The findings? That more positive emotions were linked to less symptoms of depression for the two American groups, but NOT for Asians.
The other study (at the University of Warwick, UK & published in the 'Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization') looked at how other people's happiness affects us. The data showed that in countries where the well-being was recorded as higher levels than average, the suicide rate was also higher. The researchers concluded that “Discontented people in happy places may feel harshly treated by life. Those dark contrasts may in turn increase the risk of suicide.”
Wow! There’s some food for thought and discussion!!!

One Thing I Now Know For Sure!

I am fortunate in that the men in my family are mostly quite pc in their attitude to women – with one exception; when it comes to drivers, I don’t know why, but jokes about female drivers still seem to amuse, especially when stuck in traffic. However, a new study is giving me the last laugh! It turns out that men are more inconsistent and dangerous on the roads than women! Why? Because men become seven times more stressed when caught in traffic than women (I repeat, 7 times!) In this most recent study which tested levels of stress hormones in saliva on volunteers stuck in traffic, the levels for women went up by just over 8% while the men’s levels shot up by an alarming 60%! Having got over the shock of this information, I realize however that it is quite understandable considering other studies that have shown us that the male brain responds to stress overwhelmingly with the ‘fight-or-flight-response’, whereas women have more varied stress-responses (including ‘tend-and-befriend’). In this particular study it was found that women handled traffic better by doing simple things like playing music on the radio or CD player, and singing along with it. Ahhhhh – I’ve always known that singing one’s lungs out in the car had a higher purpose! Now I know for sure!

More Resources!

According to research, people who have a daily practice of feeling appreciation and gratitude, sleep better than others, have lower blood pressure, are more likely to accomplish goals, and are more likely to practice self-care - including exercising - on a regular basis. Maybe you know all this because, like many of us, you have experienced it personally? However, did you know that the practice of feeling gratitude also improves longevity, by up to 9 years?! In other words, if you  ensure that you FEEL appreciation every single day, you are likely to live up to 9 years longer than you otherwise would!
Some facilitators are just brimming over with information like this, resources and articles that offer lots of delicious data we can add to our library of supportive and validating knowledge. One of these people is Linda Graham, whose articles you can peruse at http://lindagraham-mft.com/resources/published-articles/
Lots of very interesting stuff, on everything from self-care to the neuroscience of resilience. Check it out!

'I Need To Blog!'

“If we don’t teach our children to be alone, they will always be lonely.” This was one of those statements that, when Sociologist Sherry Turkle uttered it, I thought I could have said that! Turkle’s symposium talk offered more of the same …. glimpses of the obvious, but nevertheless insights and observations of great significance that most of us, unfortunately, seem to be ignoring or just not ‘getting’.
In this particular statement, Turkle was referring to a conclusion from her research on technology and relationships - research which has given her data showing our increased dependency on social media, and its adverse affect on our relationship skills. And she is not just talking about youngsters, but parents – all of us - too.
We parents and adults are examples to our children not only in our demonstration of how to use for instance texting, but in our relationship with our children when we text while they are talking to us, use the cell phone while we are eating together, text during a family movie, or while we’re assisting with homework, etc. etc. etc. Long story short, the phone and social media are losing their previously proportionate place in our lives, as we now increasingly have the need to ‘connect’ every few minutes. The technological advances that have given us so much freedom and other value are now also beginning to ‘take over’ in unhealthy ways. Turkle is not against technology or social media per se, she just advocates putting it in proper perspective. I second that, adding that this might mean just being more mindful about how we use it...............
How do we know when it’s NOT mindful, when it’s unhealthy? In the interest of ‘keeping it brief’ I again refer to Ms Turkle, who clarified by concluding that we – and our children – used to have thoughts such as, ‘I feel …..(fill in the space) so I want to make a call.” Now however, we are more likely to be driven by the (often unconscious) thought; “I want to feel ……, I need to text.” (Not quite as healthy, I think.)
On hearing her conclusion, I had the thought, “I feel she’s right – I need to Blog.” 
Trying to be mindful however, I got my priorities in order, completed my move to the UK(!), and now I'm blogging again :-)
Thanks for your patience!!!

10 - yes 10 - Habits of REALLY Emotionally Intelligent People

I can't believe how much more it takes to whittle down to blog-size the many speakers' wonderful work - as promised - than I thought! (What with everything else going on….) So here, in the meantime and by popular demand (truly:-), is my list of 10 Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People (yes, I claim 10 – not 7!)

Emotionally intelligent people
1.    Label feelings rather than people, making a distinction between what they think and what they feel.
2.    Own (take responsibility for) their own feelings and emotional reality. (Check in your body; where & what are your feelings?) Do not stuff or negate their emotions.
3.    Acknowledge when their negative emotions aren’t serving them & others and self-regulate to problem-solve whatever is causing the emotion, (use tension release processes and your breathing).
4.    Look for learning and growth in their negative emotions.
5.    Self-regulate to change unhelpful emotions into energized states (i.e. anger can become passion or drive to take action).
6.    Are respectful towards and validate other people’s feelings, regardless of what they think of them AND regardless of their age.
7.    Place their own agenda aside in order to step into someone else’s shoes, applying the resulting empathy, by communicating it or otherwise supporting the other person.
8.    Do not play the blame game (or send someone on a guilt-trip!)
9.    Limit judgment and criticism (aim for eliminating both) of others, and honor everyone’s unique path and emotional reality.
10.    Do not try to control or change others. (It ain’t possible.)

Visualization in Main-Stream!

What  a delight it was to be at a conference with 3,000 other counselors & coaches and to experience that all the terrific information that’s been available but considered ‘out there’ for twenty something years is now being explored and accepted by ‘main-stream’. Maybe it’s due to all the great neuro-science of recent years ‘proving’ things we intuitively knew about the human brain and mind; maybe it’s the many experiences of practitioners who’ve tried ‘new’ things reaching a tipping point; or maybe it’s just TIME! Regardless, I love it! Especially coming across talk of guided imagery in an array of settings, from events entitled ‘Dancing with the Brain’ to ‘Neuro-science and Self-Care’, and workshops where guided visualizations were being given in profusion! We always knew the conscious use of imagery works for everything from well-being to healing, to manifesting to taking charge of stress & emotions. But it seems, now we know it works!

Braving New Worlds - in DC!

I spent the last 5 days in Washington DC - but all I got to see of it was from my taxi, to and from the airport. Pathetic, you might think. Well yes, I cannot disagree - but to my defense, I was busy attending a Psychotherapy conference with 3000 other professionals in the field, which would distract anybody from sightseeing, don't you think? Although many of us attendees were also coaches or 'just' counselors, it all falls under the heading of mental health - in the true sense of the word!
The theme of this years symposium was as relevant as it could possibly be –  Braving New Worlds! Translated to 'normal speak' this means addressing what it takes to try helping people within what some would call a ‘touchy-feely’ area of life, emotional health and well being, while trying to navigate the new emotionless world of technology, which contains seemingly endless tools and information to enhance our various practices and help our clients more, but which puzzles coaches and therapists more than any complex client possibly could!
In addition, the fascinating field of brain science was also heavily represented, making its way into many, many presentations. This field is making so many significant discoveries, finding ever new facts about what makes us tick, that anyone who has an interest in understanding human nature and how to make life and relationships better, coach or counselor aside, should be paying attention!
I’ll be blogging about specifics in the next few weeks, but in the meantime, check out these few websites of exceptional people doing exceptional work!
http://www.gottman.com/ - John Gottman and his wife Jane Gottman have performed the most extensive studies on relationships done anywhere. Their site has heaps of books and tools on both relationships and parenting!
http://drlouann.ning.com/ Louann Brizendine’s books on the female and male brain can be most illuminating(!), sometimes surprising, and frequently SO helpful!
http://www.alonetogetherbook.com/ Sherry Turkel’s book is the result of her 15 year study into technology and it’s effects on us all.  Originally an optimistic advocate of all things techy, Turkel now  has deep concerns about our increasing use of digital gadgets and how it is affecting our relationships with each other. A must-read!
And while you're checking them out, enjoy this cherry blossom photo I managed to get on my phone!

Deep Breaths Not Always Enough!

Sometimes, the stress, worry and anxiety in life are such that a few deep breaths just aren’t enough to help! Occasionally, a few deep breaths may clear up the brain and relax us temporarily, but after getting back to our activity or work, we find ourselves right back in the anxiety-ridden thoughts! Whenever this happens, to me, I always find it helpful to immediately take 5 minutes and do a full body relaxation – it can save hours of time otherwise wasted with fretting and lack of productivity.
We just uploaded a new Full-Body Relaxation (go to The Zone from our Homepage). Check it out – you may find it helpful! 
http://www.thebeingeffect.com/

A Child Advocate's Urge

As an advocate for children for my entire adult life (well, probably for my entire life!) I have always loved the poem, An Urgent Note To My Parents. Occasionally I feel an ‘urge-to-share’ coming on, -and I’m feeling it now- so just in case you haven’t read that poem, here it is! Enjoy.

An Urgent Note To My Parents

Don’t ask me to do what I can’t do

Only ask me to do what I can

Don’t ask me to be what I can’t be

Only ask me to be what I am

Don’t one minute say “Be a big girl!”

And the next “You’re too little for that!”

PLEASE don’t ask me to be where I can’t be

PLEASE be happy with right where I’m at.

                                                     Hiawyn Oram