True Empowerment!

Last week three of my clients, without any connection to each other, expressed almost comical animated delight at the discovery that they really could take charge of their emotions! In each one of them it triggered a strong sense of personal empowerment, making them feel uplifted by the realization that no-one else can make you feel anything without your permission; that even though life-circumstances can often be out of your control, how you respond and behave is completely within your power.  (Being privileged to witness such moments in people’s lives makes me truly in-love with my job!)

Elaborating on the point, the late great family therapist Virginia Satir wrote a classic piece that describes our capacity for personal power inspirationally. Here it is - enjoy!

I am me

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me

Everything that comes out of me is authentically me
 - because I alone chose it  
I own everything about me, my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears – I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. 
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me – by so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me. 
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me.
If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me – I am me and I AM OKAY

Who Is Right?

 

--> War does not determine who is right - only who is left. - Bertrand Russell

There’s a true story about soldiers fighting in the rice fields in Vietnam that illustrates how our perception can be changed by emotional responses to other people and their actions.

American soldiers were on one side of the rice fields and the Viet Cong were on the other, both shooting at each other continuously. Suddenly, out of the blue, a small group of Buddhist monks came walking quietly along a low wall in the midst of the rice-fields, right in the firing line. Slowly and purposefully they walked, one after the other, not looking left or right, as if it was a perfectly normal thing to do. And guess what? Abruptly, all shooting stopped. Soldiers on both sides were so taken aback (and, I would think humbled) by the unexpected sight, that something in their brains shifted and they stopped firing at each other. Once the monks were gone, the shift in their brains stayed that way and one by one they all went back to their respective camps. There was no more shooting that day.

With the focus on war and hostility ever present in most living rooms, coming at us on whatever screen we have switched on - never mind the violence that is perpetrated as a result - I wonder if we will ever have a society without war and violence? I wonder what it would take to permanently shift our brains to a state of peace without force, of purpose without aggression, of care without imposition, of justice without vengeance?

Big, heavy questions – probably not going to be answered any time soon! But if we apply them to ourselves, our homes, workplaces, children and relationships, they suddenly become a little more manageable, don’t you find?
(And Bertrand Russel's quote can be applied to any conflict too!)

Happiness Habits!

Not for the first time, the 'topic of the moment' seems to be happiness! Of all the people discussing it recently, Arianna Huffington offered a particularly succinct view of the main qualities that constitute happiness (on a news program the other day) as including; “.... our capacity to tap into our own wisdom and make good decisions.” She pointed out how many of today’s leaders are clearly unable to do this (:-) fueled as they are by sleep deprivation, exhaustion and burnout; "Then they make terrible decisions!”
I couldn’t agree more – I see it all the time, don’t you?

How can we have the wonder, joy and human connection so vital for happiness when we are burnt out and our brains are frazzled?
So what to do about it? What can we each do individually to prevent burn-out and become happier? Someone asked me today for a check-list, (of which I have several - as my clients know well :-)  However, today I’d like to offer a great list of six habits developed by Researchers at UC Berkeley. 

1. Pay Attention - Be Mindful: When we are mindful our immune systems become stronger and we are less likely to be anxious or aggressive.

2. Give Thanks: Regular expressions of gratitude promote optimism, improved health, and greater satisfaction with life.

3. Keep Friends Close: Social connections are key to happiness; make time for those closest to you.

4. Drop Grudges: When we forgive those who have wronged us, we feel better about ourselves, experience more positive emotions, and feel closer to others.

5. Practice Kindness: Being kind to others makes us feel good. Altruistic acts light up the same pleasure centres in the brain as food and sex!

6. Get Moving!: Regular exercise increases self-esteem, reduces anxiety and stress, and may well be the most effective instant happiness booster of all!