Overwhelmed anyone?

I love to exercise – Yoga, Pilates, walking, dancing, whatever, and could easily do it every day ….. once I get started! It’s the ‘getting started’ that can be a problem –and what prevents me from getting started is usually overwhelm – with all the other stuff that (I imagine) needs doing. So I prioritize something else that an idea in my mind is telling me is more important. For instance, checking my emails, writing an article, returning a phone call, responding to emails, researching an article, Tweeting, checking messages wherever, cleaning, laundry, running an errand, making another phone call, making tea(!), – all of which may need doing and may be important – however not as priorities before my own health! This is what I need to remember! If I am not healthy and feeling good, then I’m not going to be as effective in my other tasks (including creative ones) as I otherwise would be and I'll likely be even more overwhelmed.  So how do I remind myself of that? Looking at this picture will remove any doubt that I need to ‘get started’ – the cuteness factor alone is a feel-good trigger to do more of what makes me feel good, and it’s an obvious reminder to not let overwhelm prevent me from prioritizing what my body needs!

Type-Testing for Better Relationships?

From Myers-Briggs to Enneagrams, whether it’s a ‘typology indicator’, a personality profile, or an assessment of temperament, we love to use methodologies to categorize people! Used by many career counselors, psychologists, teachers, and employers, they seem to be increasingly popular on the Web, providing entertainment and amusement and at times even helpful information both for understanding oneself and others.
All too often, however – at least in my experience – they end up doing more harm than good. I am aware that this statement may push some buttons, but what the heck, my experience is my experience, and I feel compelled to share it only because I continue to witness the misuse of these ‘assessments’. Because such tests imply quick-and-easy insights into colleagues, peers, partners, and even children, they lead us to believe they will magically make our relationships/ management abilities/collaboration or even parenting much easier and so are too tempting to resist! Unfortunately they are too frequently used to judge or label, forming images of limits to what people must be capable of, restrictions in our ideas about their potential, and often an increase in rigidity around our expectations. The truth of the matter is that we are all much more complicated than such assessments allow, as are our relationships. Aside from the fact that these tests have no convincing validating data to support them, I have never witnessed a relationship that has been improved by them in any significant way.

In fact, you are much more likely to succeed in building a better relationship or helping someone to grow by the simple act of noticing and appreciating the positive qualities you observe in the other person. Rather than reading up on types, taking or giving personality tests, take a moment, on your own, to observe each person, each employee, each colleague, each peer, each child, and ‘play’ a lone game called “Spot The Good Stuff”. Once you have identified good attributes, actions and potential in each person, find a way to share and celebrate all the goodies you identify, celebrate the successes, celebrate the contributions, celebrate all you appreciate. In my humble opinion, “Spot The Good Stuff” is one of the best-kept secrets to successful leadership, parenting and indeed any relationship!

Where's The Stress?!

A study I once read showed that men feel stress and tension more in the thighs and buttocks, whereas women feel their stress more in the upper bodies! (Maybe this accounts for why men’s butts tend to stay slim as they grow older? All that tension must keep the gluteal muscles nice and taut!)
Seriously, stress- producing emotions, like all emotions, live in our bodies – in every cell! I don’t need research - recent or otherwise - to tell me this; I feel it in my own body. I feel love in my chest, anger in my jaw, worry in my neck, caring in my cheeks, loneliness in my shoulders, and humor in my stomach & collar-bone(!).
Do you know where in your body you feel your various emotions? I am sure you have a rough idea of where you take your stress. In my experience, most people are usually aware of 2 or 3 places. After increasing our self-awareness, we can often quickly notice 30, 40 or more and a whole new dialogue develops, a dialogue that can inform us often long before we otherwise would be conscious of an emotion ‘brewing’ like for example irritation, offering us the opportunity to intervene, take a break and change it. OR if we catch ourselves feeling say appreciation, which could be fleeting, our awareness can allow us to relish it, and extend it to last and benefit us for sometimes hours! The body is an amazing source of information and paying attention to what it is telling us can actually improve our stress- management, our communication skills and even our intelligence – give it a try!!

Self-inflicted Lobotomy

Whenever I share information about how our feelings affect the way our brain works, someone always has a story to illustrate it, even if they’ve never actually considered it before! One eight-year old, in trouble for throwing a brick at someone, told me that when he got mad his brain “got foggy. But when I bweaved,” he said, referring to an exercise we had just done to help him calm and shift his emotional state, “my brain, like cleared up like, and now I can fink straight!”
Someone once likened what happens to the brain during anger to a ‘self-inflicted lobotomy’ :-))))

     BEFORE ANGER/UPSET   AFTER ANGER/UPSET

Team-Flow

I came across this photo in my folder today – it’s from one of our Family Retreat-Days’ (this particular one on Kauai). The game that’s being played in the photo is ‘Family Skiing’ – each family has 2 large skis on which to ski, with a foot strap on each ski for each family member. The smallest straps are at the front, which means the littlest family member has to be at the front ….. and lead! This can be a challenge for the older members of the family, as they all have to move in sync to get the skis to move. Of course, families always want to race other families! As you might imagine, the family with the best ‘team-flow’ usually wins, which means egos, willfulness, and whatever ‘normal’ family dynamics exist, have to shift and be set aside, and flexibility, generosity of spirit and ‘tuning in’ abilities have to be called forth! Ah, the challenges! It can be very difficult for some of us to learn, viscerally, what true collaboration means! We could probably all do with some of that kind of shift on a regular basis, don’t you think?

Emotions Determine What We Think!

 A client of mine, Mike, took his children to an amusement park one weekend. His youngest, four-year-old Kate didn’t remember her previous visit as a baby, so for her it was a completely new experience. The two older boys remembered very well and wanted to go on all kinds of different rides. Kate however, just wanted to go on the rollercoaster, so Mike said he’d go with her. Little did he know the longest wait in the whole park was for the rollercoaster! Mike had many virtues, but patience wasn’t one of them. He absolutely detested standing in line, but he did like to keep his word so they stood in line for a little while. Soon he predictably became impatient and began looking around for something else they could do instead. He tried to persuade Kate that the rollercoaster really was no big deal, but Kate was adamant and they waited some more. Finally Mike started trying to tempt her with other rides and things he knew she liked.  Eventually, he became so impatient and irritated he offered her a bribe, something that went totally against his value system and the way he wanted to parent; “If we go on another ride instead,’ he cajoled, “I’ll give you an extra ice-cream!” He was feeling pretty disgusted with himself, but somehow just couldn’t seem to help himself. To add insult to injury, Kate was not having any of it. She turned her little face up to her father and said ‘Dad, I have waited my whole life to go on a rollercoaster, I’m not going to give it up now!’
Mike looked down at his spunky little four-year-old with her tiny hands on her hips, looking up at him as if this was an issue of national importance! At first he just stared at her, incredulously. Then he felt the urge to laugh, and then suddenly, a surge of love for his little girl welled up in him. His feelings instantaneously shifted from annoyance and almost anger to love and laughter. When recapping the story to me, he concluded; “And you know what? After that we could have waited in that line all day and I wouldn’t have cared!”

To read full Article, go to http://bit.ly/cJhQFY

Our Cat

Back in the days when I was still in showbusiness (my previous career, many moons ago!) we had a cat, Barnum. Barnum knew when I was stressed before I even walked in the door. He would hide under the couch or in the closet up to five minutes before I arrived home.

I eventually decided to learn to manage my stress (leaving showbusiness was a big step!) I began taking proactive measures, like de-stressing on the way home.

After some practice, I learned how to manage my emotional energy – the invisible kind - and I realized what had made Barnum hide….

I discovered I could also make Barnum purr; just by activating a good feeling inside - an 'inner smile', so to speak - not by ‘doing’ anything visible - Amazing! I wondered how else I could be effecting my environment, and the people in my life.... Many lessons later, I am still exploring & discovering.....

A False Assumption

We are born into this world with an urge to learn, grow and move beyond what we have already attained. This is evident in every toddler, every young child, - until and unless their curiosity is stymied, (by whatever means).

As a species, if we did not have this urge to learn and grow we would die. We need to learn about our environment and how to respond for our very survival; to defend ourselves against danger, to provide sustenance and shelter, to belong and be a part of a family or tribe. The brain is hard-wired to learn and to improve, to build a library of information from which to understand and respond to our world. Yet, it is interesting to observe how adept we as a society are at quelling this curiosity, this natural urge to grow and be better! Why? Because we operate from a basic assumption that children, and indeed adults, are innately lazy and do not naturally want to learn or do better.

As a result, we believe we need to direct, to coerce, to bribe, to threaten and generally to find ways to force learning, know-how, and proficiency. We do it in our schools, by coercing children to learn what we think they should learn, when we think they should learn it, with little or no regard for their intrinsic motivation, unique interests, or individual developmental readiness. We continue to compel and impose our agenda, removing any autonomy they might develop up through the years and into adulthood, as we insist on ‘managing’, often micro-managing employees and others, coercing them with incentives or ‘carrots’ to do what we want them to do – or penalizing them for not, as the case may be. All of this we do because we have this basic assumption; we assume that most human beings are innately lazy, unmotivated and need to be coerced and prodded if any learning or improvement is going to take place.

As I am sure I have in common with many of you, since I was a child, I have known this assumption to be false. And over and over again I have been witness to just how false it is. As those of you who have done my work know, the steps to freedom from this assumption are embedded in there! And now, great news, there is a N.Y.T. Bestseller DRIVE by Dan Pink, that offers the research and anecdotal evidence that prove it! At last, in mainstream publishing we have some really great arguments and a hugely persuasive case for autonomy – and for mastery (yeah!) and purpose (of course!). All completely intertwined with (yes, you guessed it) emotional intelligence. (I know I recommended it a few weeks ago, but it bears repeating.)

Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us If you don’t have time to read the book, at least check out a 15 minute talk by the author: at http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation.html

Enjoy!
Jennifer

Beauty From Within

“I don’t have time to read any books on emotions,“ a neighbor said to me. “I barely get time to read my magazines and lord knows I need that information just to look half decent!” She was referring of course to beauty or fashion magazines – and it turned out she believed that her looks had nothing to do with her emotions.
I beg, as they say, to differ. In fact I insist: Beauty comes from within. Literally. Feeling good makes you look good – and younger! Conversely, stress makes you look older and less attractive! You, reader, are probably aware of this, but do you consider it as you go about your day?
How do you handle your stress – in the moment?

Try this: Think back to the last time you had an unpleasant feeling or felt a little stress. How did it feel? Allow yourself to re-experience it, just for a few seconds……..
Now look in the mirror. What do you look like?

I know that when I do this, it’s not a pretty sight – so let me suggest you give it up, right now!
Instead, take a deep breath in and as you exhale, let the feeling go – blow it out if necessary! Repeat it, if you like.
Now smile, just physically make the grimace of a smile. Now, try to FEEL the smile, think of something that makes you want to smile, so you really mean it. Enjoy the smile.
Now just relax. Feel better? Look better?
I rest my case.

Next time you feel annoyed or stressed, try this again. You may find you not only look better, but your thinking is clearer too!

Motivation & The Feel Good Factor!

A great new book I recently came across is Drive by Daniel Pink. He writes about motivation and the ‘carrot-stick’ approach that no longer works for most of us. Why? Because any task that requires initiative, creative thinking or problem solving abilities, requires a different kind of motivation. I believe it’s what we might refer to as the ‘feel-good’ kind of motivation. The part of the brain that is involved in the creative process or in exploring resources and problem solving requires a feeling of safety and being connected to our innate desire to grow, transcend, do better, and be of purpose… and when positive emotions are not engaged, this really doesn’t happen – at least not to the degree to which it is capable! I love it when books come out that (inadvertently or not :-) support the significance of emotional intelligence and the ‘feel-good’ factor.