More About Purpose

Last week I wrote about the importance of feeling a sense of purpose and meaning on health. I’ve been seeing evidence of it ever since, most recently (and curiously) in a newspaper article about lottery winners! Apparently a very large percentage of people who win large sums of money, quit their work only to end up bored with no sense of purpose. They invariably become depressed, often taking up excessive drinking or drug abuse, some even dying as a result. One man who had won millions, ended up approaching people he saw buying lottery tickets to warn them that winning could ruin their lives! (Shortly afterwards he died from alcohol abuse).
Brings to mind that saying: Be careful what you set your heart upon – for it will surely be yours.

Health & Well-Being

I attended the Health & Well-Being Conference in London yesterday. A long and very interesting day! One speaker quoted the late psychologist A. Antonovsky, who wrote that health is not the absence of sickness but the maintaining of a sense of coherence. Coherence he defined as feeling that your life is ‘comprehensible, manageable, and meaningful’. It made me think of how significant having a sense of meaning & purpose is to a healthy self-image, not to mention the whole emotional intelligence agenda!  These days, as the economy continues to adversely impact so many of us, I know it’s easy to loose track of. Ironically however, if we can stay focused on pursuing whatever gives us that sense of purpose, the survival issues will tend to work themselves out. I find myself challenging myself even further these days – not only do I want to feel a sense of meaning & purpose, I want my heart to feel alive and feel that light switching on in my eyes – 24/7 if possible!

The Female Stress Response

A couple of months ago I wrote about men and women taking stress in different parts of the body. Well as it turns out, that's not the only difference when it comes to stress; women and men actually experience stress quite differently. Recent research shows that while men are typically inclined to the ‘Fight-or-Flight’ response to stress, women are more inclined to have a  ‘Tend-&-Befriend’ response. In other words, rather than becoming angry or defensive and feeling the need to strike out or ‘go off’, women are more likely to feel emotional and want to seek out someone to talk to.  So rather than give you the typical advice to ‘take 3 breaths’ or ‘punch a punching bag’ for the equally typical ‘Fight/Flight’ reaction, here’s one just for the female ‘Tend & Befriend’ response!
Next time you feel an unexplained urge to talk to someone, stop for a moment and check whether it’s in response to stress. If you determine that it is, then use this knowledge about yourself to make 3 choices:

1. Choose who you talk to, with careful consideration
2. Choose your words mindfully, so they becomes a constructive stress-relieving process, rather than a 'whine & complain'  session.
3. Choose to move on to something positive afterwards, even if it’s just having tea in a favorite cup, reading something funny, or buying a new cologne!

An Inspiration to Practice

Having just seen the beautifully inspiring movie Mao’s Last Dancer, I feel an analogy coming on! I am irresistibly drawn to make the comparison between dance training and (of course :-) emotional mastery practice. As dancers train their bodies daily to build the strength and control they need in order to execute their movements with the desired ease, we can train our minds and bodies to generate positive feelings, feelings of appreciation, joy and love. Doing this for our own growth and stress management, we also build the strength to generate the feelings easily and quickly when we need them to help or relate to others. I recall my days (too, too long ago!) as a dancer and teacher of dance, and the self-discipline required to achieve even the basic skills - the enthusiasm I felt before any success was achieved helps put the practice of emotional mastery in easy perspective – like building any muscle, it requires enthusiastic, repetitive practice!
Some people identify more with the analogy of a savings account in the bank; practicing generating positive emotional states is like putting money in the bank; after a while, when you need to call on it (or you need ‘funds’), you have it there to draw on, rather than draining the overdraft!
Whichever way we see it however, whether it's as daily practices or daily investments, such frequent attention can only lead to good results. Mao's Last Dancer is just a particularly beautiful example!
www.maoslastdancer-movie.com

Differences

Autumn always reminds me of that game with leaves. You know, the one where we all go out to a tree that’s losing it’s leaves, and choose a fallen leaf each. Then we each examine our leaf thoroughly, we smell it and we feel it. Then we all put our leaves in a big pile of leaves and toss them about. Then we try to find ‘our’ leaf. The process of identifying that one leaf always creates such a lovely opportunity for discussion about uniqueness and differences within a species – within any part of creation - that even though we are not exactly the same, we are all special and significant each in our own way. And as someone once said 'differences challenge assumptions'. Timely right now, I feel.

The Handwriting On The Wall

A weary mother returned from the store
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door
Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
Eager to relate what his younger brother had done
“While I was out playing and Dad was on call
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It’s on the new paper you just hung in the den,
I told him you’d be mad at having to do it again.”

She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,
“Where is your little brother right now?”
She emptied her arms and with purposeful stride,
She went to his closet where he’d gone to hide.
She called his full name and she entered his room,
He trembled with fear – he knew this meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved,
About the costly wall paper and how she’d saved.
Lamenting the work it would take to repair,
She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!
She headed for the den to confirm her fears,
She saw the wall and her eyes filled with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul like a dart,
It said “I love Mommy”, surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she had found it,
With an empty picture frame to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.
Unknown author

Who Has Time for Reflection!

Enjoying my foamy cappuccino at the local café, I watched a young child in her stroller being completely ignored by the adults she was with, who were both talking at such a rate you’d think they hadn’t had a grown-up conversation in months. You might also think the toddler would complain, but no, she was content to contemplate her world. First her toes, then her fingers, then the parasol tassels fluttering gently above her, then back to her toes, before gazing, at length, at the bird hopping around the table in search of a stray croissant crumb. I couldn’t help but enjoy her quietly reflective spirit and like most young children, her ability for natural contemplation.
Adults and older children are usually busy and involved in ‘doing’ or anticipating, or being stimulated by activity, and, (as was perfectly demonstrated before my eyes), will tend to sweep any dreamy toddler away from a savoring moment with a “Come on, we’ve got to hurry!” or “Stop daydreaming!” or “We haven’t got time!”
Stillness, time for refection, contemplation, just BEING in the moment, is for most people largely absent and not something we tend to prioritize in our day-today lives. Yet it is a very basic need if we are to effectively handle the stress, uncertainties and over-stimulation of today’s world. What a conundrum – no time to implement the one thing that would help us to handle our perpetual ‘no time’!
Maybe what we really need to do is turn to our little ones for examples and inspiration and reminders to take a moment for contemplation, reflection, even awe and wonder at the moment we are in. Maybe then we will have the experience of making more sense of it!

Finding Wisdom.

A Japanese master received an eminent university professor who came to inquire about wisdom. The master served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he could no longer restrain himself. ‘It is overfull. No more will go in!’
‘Like this cup,’ the master said, ‘ you are full of your own opinions, speculations, and hypotheses. How can I show you wisdom unless you first empty your cup?’

I love this story - such a good reminder of how ‘knowing what we know’ can interfere with our opportunities for learning, and so finding wisdom. It also makes me think of a study I once read about judgment; feeling judgmental is apparently one of the most insidious emotions we can have and the hardest to shift. The best counter-feeling? Appreciation – of what is!
Lovely. I am just now appreciating a nice cup of tea .................

Lesson Learned?

What is there to learn from falling? I mean literally, physically falling – and breaking something, like ones arm. This thought flashed through my mind as I went diving downhill, having stumbled in some loose paving (photo). Even before I had fully landed on my poor left forearm, my mind was focused on one thing other than the landing; what am I supposed to learn from this fall?
Well, ten days, two broken bones, one surgery, unlimited excruciating pain and a course of antibiotics riddled with side effects later, I think I know the answer: Rest and focus. Or should I say rest SO I can focus. Although this concept is not completely foreign to me(!), now I have had no choice but to implement it.
Interestingly, this ‘answer’ and having no choice but to carry it out, has given me a feeling of peace, (I AM resting more!), and so even with one arm incapacitated by a cast & sling, I am now experiencing being more focused, more creative, and getting more done than before. Amazing! Lesson learned?

Parent Power

A young boy wakes up in the middle of the night, thirsty and wanting a cuddle. He gets out of bed, opens his bedroom door and slowly tip-toes along the hallway. As he gets to the top of the stairs, he sees a light under his parents’ bedroom door and recognizes urgent whispered voices coming from inside. Thinking of that wished for cuddle, he knocks lightly on the familiar door, pushing it open before anyone has a chance to respond. His mother is standing with her back to him, hands on her hips, facing his father who is seated on the bed, glaring angrily.
Neither parent responds immediately, but the little boy can feel the tension and knows that all is not as it should be. “What’s wrong?” he says, in a sleepy, husky voice.
His mother drops her hands and swings around towards him as his father turns his attention to him with a sudden smile on his face. “Hey son, what are you doing up?”
His mother also has that smile on her face now, as she crouches down to his height. It feels weird.
“I’m thirsty,” he mutters. “What’s wrong?” he asks again before anyone can divert his attention.
“Nothing sweetheart,” replies his mother, with a smile he doesn’t believe. “Let me take you downstairs for a glass of water.”
“Are you fighting?” asks the little boy, undeterred.
“Of course not!” says his father, with an outraged voice. “We never fight!” The boy is sure he has heard them fight, many times. Why is his dad lying?
“Now go with your mother and get that water. You should be asleep, you know!”
“Yes, you should be asleep,” his mother echoes. “Come along now, let’s fetch that water and get you back to bed.”
The little boy goes reluctantly with his mother. He thinks about the cuddle, but is afraid to ask – they’ll probably say no. He feels confused. He doesn’t know why.
After he drinks the water, his mom takes him back to his room. “Don’t worry, honey. There’s nothing wrong. It’s just your imagination. Everything’s fine!” she smiles - that smile. It doesn’t feel fine.
“Go to sleep now, ” she whispers, shutting the door behind her.
He slides down under the covers and lays there in the dark, thinking. He feels an uneasy feeling in his tummy, just like when he is nervous or worried. Why is he feeling this way? He doesn’t like it.
Mom said everything was fine. Moms and Dads are always right, aren’t they? That means he must be wrong. Yes, that’s it! He is wrong about what he feels is happening, about the fighting and tension and weird smiles. He must stop listening to his feelings - then he won’t feel so yukky. “Everything’s fine, I’m wrong, everything’s fine, I’m wrong, everything’s fine……..” he whispers, like a mantra, to himself in the dark.

Many adults recollecting their childhood may remember such an incident, - when they started to disbelieve their own ‘inner knowing’, or intuition, because a parent or other well-intentioned adult told them that they were imagining something that they thought they knew. How about you? If this does resonate, how much work have you had to do, as an adult, to re-connect with your intuition? I know for my part, I cannot count how many hours I spent in workshops, therapy & self-help to get back in touch with and trust my own inner knowing.

Suggestion: Whatever your intention, next time you want to tell a child that he or she is imagining something, STOP, take a breath, and ask yourself if they really are…..

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