Motivating Others

Last posting - having dissed carrots & sticks - I promised to share some alternative suggestions for motivating others. Here are some suggestions that I’ve found work really well, especially during times of stress, (and there seems to be no shortage of that nowadays!)
These ideas are just as readily applied to managing kids!

Self-Management – Ensure you yourself are internally managed enough that you can put your own agenda or views aside and ‘tune in’ to others’ stress.
Find the feeling – How bad is the stress or lack of motivation? Are people scared, frustrated, resentful, apathetic? Their behavior and motivation will be different for each of these different emotions. Try to check in whether your perception is correct, then tailor your response accordingly.
AFL – (Agenda Free Listening). Those of you who are familiar with this technique, practice, practice, practice! This is powerful stuff! (If you’re not familiar with it, feel free to contact me and I’ll send you more information.)
Appreciate effort, sincerely! – Voice appreciation for all effort, no matter how successful (or not) the result of that effort. Make sure you really mean it, though. (Appreciation that isn't authentic can feel condescending and create mistrust.)
Facilitate the feeling –Focus on creating a positive, feel-good environment to help everyone get into an internal state where their brains are switched on and they can function creatively.
Empowerment – Allow space & time for problem-solving – give people/kids time and the autonomy to come up with creative solutions that your business or family can implement. Believe me, autonomy can work wonders - at any age!

Let me know how these work for you........
Next posting I think I’ll share some ideas for Change Management……

Understand Motivation?

A few months ago I strongly recommended a book titled DRIVE by Daniel Pink. The whole idea of what motivates us has been redefined both in this book and elsewhere – we now know for sure after countless research studies and a plethora of articles and books on the subject, that ‘carrots ands sticks’ are not the effective motivators we thought they were! Back in 1993, in PUNISHED BY REWARDS, Alfie Kohn wrote about the same subject – but still to this day, many are so programmed in old beliefs it appears to be very difficult to get out of the habit of ‘carrots & sticks’ thinking, as difficult in fact as quitting smoking or any other addiction, if the general US corporate culture is anything to go by. During the last two years or so, I have been dismayed to witness, time and time again, the lack of understanding corporate heads & management seem to have for human nature and how to motivate their people – one would think in our challenging times understanding how to motivate employees would be more important than ever! Some would even say it’s just common sense! But instead, using the current crisis to exacerbate fear and uncertainty – I overheard one exec. saying to a colleague about his team, ‘the uncertainty keeps ‘em on their toes, it’s good for 'em.” – has become the norm, with no consideration for the emotional psychological impact of on-going, long-term stress on job-performance or productivity. What does this lack of understanding say about the intelligence of these leaders – never mind their emotional intelligence? Surely this is contributing to the downward spiral and increasing failure of businesses? Maybe we should re-look at how we promote people, the qualities we look for and the training we give (or not) to anyone that’s required to manage others?  I’m only asking…………..

In my next posting I’ll be offering up some suggestions for motivating people that you may not be familiar with ….. watch this space!

Indulging

A small silver tea-strainer is balanced gently on the delicate teacup, pale blue china on a dusty pink saucer. A slightly stained silver teapot follows, boiling hot to the touch, then a tiny silver milk-jug filled to the brim. They are all arranged carefully on the table in front of me, leaving space in the center for the main indulgence; two hot fruit scones, with Devonshire clotted cream and homemade strawberry jam. Ahh what bliss! Afternoon tea at Fortnum & Masons. The scone crumbles slightly but perfectly as I bite into it, and my tastebuds burst into action with the mixture of cream, jam and raisins swirling around in my mouth.  Four bites later and one small scone is devoured, washed down with sips of hot, strong Earl Grey tea. This is my favourite indulgence when in London. These days especially, with all the dire news around us!! I always believed that when the going gets a bit tough, we should indulge in a treat. There is no time when a treat –or indulging in whatever makes us feel a little pampered- is more needed than when we imagine we can’t afford it or don’t have the time.  To paraphrase a favourite saying “When the going gets tough, the tough take cream tea.”
What’s your indulgence?

New Website 'Member Zone'

Today I am uncontainably (is that a word? If not, it should be), excited about our new Member Zone. It’s free and its purpose is to share guided visualizations, meditations and stories by audio to help you relax, re-focus, recharge, release tension, etc. etc. Right now there are seven completely different audios – including for children! Having seen how powerful visualizations can be for children (as well as adults) over the many years I have worked with this wonderful tool with children, finally being able to share this on the internet is especially delightful to me. We aim to add new ones on a regular basis – eventually we’ll have hundreds!! Check it out!

More About Purpose

Last week I wrote about the importance of feeling a sense of purpose and meaning on health. I’ve been seeing evidence of it ever since, most recently (and curiously) in a newspaper article about lottery winners! Apparently a very large percentage of people who win large sums of money, quit their work only to end up bored with no sense of purpose. They invariably become depressed, often taking up excessive drinking or drug abuse, some even dying as a result. One man who had won millions, ended up approaching people he saw buying lottery tickets to warn them that winning could ruin their lives! (Shortly afterwards he died from alcohol abuse).
Brings to mind that saying: Be careful what you set your heart upon – for it will surely be yours.

Health & Well-Being

I attended the Health & Well-Being Conference in London yesterday. A long and very interesting day! One speaker quoted the late psychologist A. Antonovsky, who wrote that health is not the absence of sickness but the maintaining of a sense of coherence. Coherence he defined as feeling that your life is ‘comprehensible, manageable, and meaningful’. It made me think of how significant having a sense of meaning & purpose is to a healthy self-image, not to mention the whole emotional intelligence agenda!  These days, as the economy continues to adversely impact so many of us, I know it’s easy to loose track of. Ironically however, if we can stay focused on pursuing whatever gives us that sense of purpose, the survival issues will tend to work themselves out. I find myself challenging myself even further these days – not only do I want to feel a sense of meaning & purpose, I want my heart to feel alive and feel that light switching on in my eyes – 24/7 if possible!

The Female Stress Response

A couple of months ago I wrote about men and women taking stress in different parts of the body. Well as it turns out, that's not the only difference when it comes to stress; women and men actually experience stress quite differently. Recent research shows that while men are typically inclined to the ‘Fight-or-Flight’ response to stress, women are more inclined to have a  ‘Tend-&-Befriend’ response. In other words, rather than becoming angry or defensive and feeling the need to strike out or ‘go off’, women are more likely to feel emotional and want to seek out someone to talk to.  So rather than give you the typical advice to ‘take 3 breaths’ or ‘punch a punching bag’ for the equally typical ‘Fight/Flight’ reaction, here’s one just for the female ‘Tend & Befriend’ response!
Next time you feel an unexplained urge to talk to someone, stop for a moment and check whether it’s in response to stress. If you determine that it is, then use this knowledge about yourself to make 3 choices:

1. Choose who you talk to, with careful consideration
2. Choose your words mindfully, so they becomes a constructive stress-relieving process, rather than a 'whine & complain'  session.
3. Choose to move on to something positive afterwards, even if it’s just having tea in a favorite cup, reading something funny, or buying a new cologne!

An Inspiration to Practice

Having just seen the beautifully inspiring movie Mao’s Last Dancer, I feel an analogy coming on! I am irresistibly drawn to make the comparison between dance training and (of course :-) emotional mastery practice. As dancers train their bodies daily to build the strength and control they need in order to execute their movements with the desired ease, we can train our minds and bodies to generate positive feelings, feelings of appreciation, joy and love. Doing this for our own growth and stress management, we also build the strength to generate the feelings easily and quickly when we need them to help or relate to others. I recall my days (too, too long ago!) as a dancer and teacher of dance, and the self-discipline required to achieve even the basic skills - the enthusiasm I felt before any success was achieved helps put the practice of emotional mastery in easy perspective – like building any muscle, it requires enthusiastic, repetitive practice!
Some people identify more with the analogy of a savings account in the bank; practicing generating positive emotional states is like putting money in the bank; after a while, when you need to call on it (or you need ‘funds’), you have it there to draw on, rather than draining the overdraft!
Whichever way we see it however, whether it's as daily practices or daily investments, such frequent attention can only lead to good results. Mao's Last Dancer is just a particularly beautiful example!
www.maoslastdancer-movie.com

Differences

Autumn always reminds me of that game with leaves. You know, the one where we all go out to a tree that’s losing it’s leaves, and choose a fallen leaf each. Then we each examine our leaf thoroughly, we smell it and we feel it. Then we all put our leaves in a big pile of leaves and toss them about. Then we try to find ‘our’ leaf. The process of identifying that one leaf always creates such a lovely opportunity for discussion about uniqueness and differences within a species – within any part of creation - that even though we are not exactly the same, we are all special and significant each in our own way. And as someone once said 'differences challenge assumptions'. Timely right now, I feel.

The Handwriting On The Wall

A weary mother returned from the store
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door
Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
Eager to relate what his younger brother had done
“While I was out playing and Dad was on call
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It’s on the new paper you just hung in the den,
I told him you’d be mad at having to do it again.”

She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,
“Where is your little brother right now?”
She emptied her arms and with purposeful stride,
She went to his closet where he’d gone to hide.
She called his full name and she entered his room,
He trembled with fear – he knew this meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved,
About the costly wall paper and how she’d saved.
Lamenting the work it would take to repair,
She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!
She headed for the den to confirm her fears,
She saw the wall and her eyes filled with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul like a dart,
It said “I love Mommy”, surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she had found it,
With an empty picture frame to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.
Unknown author