LEADERSHIP AND PARENTING: DEAD RINGERS?

“I am endlessly fascinated by that playing football is considered a training ground for leadership, but raising children isn’t.” So said political analyst Dee Dee Myers and indeed, this is a fascinating observation because leadership and parenting are possibly the two roles that are most similar in requirements for success.

Take a well-known quote about parenting; “There are two lasting bequests we can give our children; one is roots and the other is wings.” Replace the word children with employees and it holds equal value. Or a quote about leadership: “Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. Once you’re a leader, success is all about growing others.” Replace ‘leader’ with parent’ and again, snap!

Recognising our influence on those we lead or guide is the key to both parenting and leadership – and we influence both children and employees on several levels, three in fact. First of all, with what we do and what we say.  If what we say isn’t consistent with what we do, most of us can recognise that we create confusion and incoherence. In other words, we know that the old maxim “do what I say, not what I do!” is obsolete and doesn’t work. Whatever we say, especially to anyone we have influence over –a child or an employee– needs to be followed up by action that is congruent with our spoken words. If not, the result is a loss of respect - with often dire consequences. As if this isn’t challenging enough, there is a third element to take into consideration, and that is how we feel.

When what we feel is inconsistent with either of the other two, it will influence our thinking and our behaviour, no matter how controlled we think we are! It will also be picked up by the other person, and we can never fully know just how sensitive he or she is. The result? Insecurities and a sense of in-authenticity will begin to permeate the relationship, - whether that relationship is with your child, employee or indeed with anyone.

The key to avoiding this –or resolving it if you think you are already inconsistent– is to first ensure you are fully aware of what you are feeling, of any underlying emotions, and then manage those emotions so that they either a) become consistent with your outward communication OR b) if appropriate, you find a positive way to align your actions with your true feelings.

This is obviously, for most of us, easier said than done! Personally, I found it to be a huge challenge early on in life and went through many years of searching and working on myself to gain my own emotional mastery (I’m still ‘a work in progress’!) Raising my own daughter as well as running several companies, it has never ceased to amaze me that such an important life-skill is not given us at the same time as we learn ‘please’, ‘thank-you’, and reading and writing.

As a result, I have made it my life’s mission to help others, especially those who lead, guide and raise others, to learn to identify, understand and manage emotions – their own and those they influence. And the core skills and abilities are the same for both leaders and parents!

Fortunately, I get plenty of help from the copious amounts of relatively recent research findings, from both neuroscience and decades of studies in psychology, evidence that consistently shows just how significant managing our emotions –developing our emotional intelligence– is to not only our own success, but also to our capacity for positively influencing others and for successful, healthy, sustainable relationships, be they with our children, those we lead, or anyone we wish to make a positive difference to!

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE '5-A-DAY' TIPS FOR THE NEW YEAR!

I wonder whether you are as puzzled as I am by the lack of emotional maturity amongst politicians these days? Where is the emotional intelligence? Not that we should expect our leaders to have the highest EI any more than that they should have the highest IQ. but the complete lack of it we are seeing around the world beggars belief. It seems to me that uncontrolled emotions are completely running things.

We all know that emotions are powerful, but I believe there is enough evidence published by now that I can safely claim they are THE most powerful force we have. They drive everything of significance: what you think, how you behave, how you perform, how you communicate, how well your brain works and even how healthy you are. And while emotions are powerful when you are aware of them, emotions wreak havoc when you’re not! Which could be one reason why unmanaged emotions are so prevalent in politics and leadership: there is little if any self-awareness.

As you may be aware (pun intended), self-awareness is a prerequisite for emotional and social intelligence – if you are unaware of what you’re feeling or how it’s impacting you, you are unlikely to have much awareness of how you are affecting others. You will also have less capacity for empathy and, most important of all, for managing your own emotions so you could think and act in ways that work better for you, your goals, your situation and the people around you.

Unfortunately, there is little any of us can do about our leaders (save taking EI into consideration next time we are called on to vote for or influence the election of one, of course.) However, we can always get better at developing our own EI – and thereby influence ourselves and our surroundings in as positive a way as possible. Just as with the plastics crisis, we each can make a difference!

So, as we move towards 2019 (a year that will hopefully be managed with more emotional intelligence) – I offer a few practical guidelines (or for many of you, reminders) to help us all contribute to that! 

Think of them as your ‘EI 5-A-Day’.

1. Label your feelings rather than other people - avoiding blame.
2. Own your feelings. Take responsibility for your own emotional reality. (Check in your body; where & what are your feelings?)
3. Make a distinction between what you feel and what you think.
4. Acknowledge when your emotions aren’t helpful or working for you and/or others, and take a time-out to self-regulate and problem-solve whatever is causing the emotion (use tension release processes and slow breathing).
5. Look for learning and growth in your emotions or the stress-producing situation, and appreciate ‘what is’.

I hope you find this a helpful checklist. If so, do pass it on!

Warm wishes,

Jennifer

THAT STILL SMALL VOICE

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I have spent the last 9 months writing my new book, ‘Intuitive Parenting’ – a ‘how to’ book being published by LittleBrown next summer. An exciting project to say the least, and I am relieved to say the editing process is complete and I just finished reading the final proofs. Phew!

During the writing process, it became very evident to me that intuition –tuning into and trusting it- is not just important for parents, it applies to us all. Bombarded as we are by external and oft-extraneous influences 24/7, the ability to access our innate intuition is increasingly critical for all of us. With unprecedented quantities of virtual stimulus, never-ending streams of unsettling global news, and the pressures of just having a life in these trying times, the result can so easily be ever increasing stress and self-doubt. (No wonder anxiety and depression are on the rise!)

Tuning into and building confidence in our own innate ‘wise inner voice’ may actually require that we take less input from outside sources, if for no other reason than that the wide array of differing opinions and contradictory advice ‘out there’ can so easily result in confusion, insecurity and indecisiveness, even leading to us making regretful decisions. On the other hand, confidence in our own ‘north star’ and strengthening our intuition requires listening to it, how it feels in our bodies, and then acting on what feels right. Once we do that, the (invariably) positive feedback we get from the result builds confidence in our intuition, strengthening both our intuitive voice and our self-confidence. In other words, less ‘’Googling’ and more taking time to ‘listen’ to ourselves and that still small voice inside – and then acting on what we get is something I have become convinced of is key to both well-being and anything else we may want to achieve. Seriously.

My conviction of this has not only been strengthened by endless research results documenting the significance of managed emotions (the result of which is a greater ability to tune into one’s intuition), but also studies by well-established and reputable business publications reporting on one of the most visible side effects of the unstable times we are living in for business - that executives just cannot handle it. Clearly, one of the most important things a CEO has to do is stay focused and steady as the stress on the business becomes so intense it can feel like being under siege. However, the current climate of uncertainty leaves many a leader in panic mode, their resulting emotion-driven behaviour often derailing their businesses or at the very least magnifying problems to the degree that they negatively impacting every member of their team. The innate ability for leadership that may have originally elevated them to their current position is no longer working, for them or their business. I rest my case.

A FEW TIPS?

NOTICE YOUR BODY:

Whenever you have a decision to make, however small, check in with your body first. Breathe slowly. Centre yourself. Then imagine one of the decisions as if it is already made and check how your body feels. Does it feel uncomfortable in any way, or does it feel right? Do this with each decision. Whatever feels right, is usually right.

TAKE TIME:

Give yourself time to get calm and centred. Whether you’re a parent or a leader, in a stressful situation take enough time (it needn’t be more than a minute) to centre and ‘widen your perspective to see ‘the big picture’ before determining the action needed. BE first, DO after.

BE FLEXIBLE:

Anyone who is in charge of or influencing others – be it children or employees – will do best if they can be flexible. Like an athlete or dancer, maintaining a centred balance within yourself, so you can quickly pivot to meet the need of the moment will counteract any possible damage caused by uncertainty – be that in the financial market or the farmers market with a runaway child!

Until next time, thanks for reading!

Jennifer

BECOMING IS BETTER THAN BEING

A popular saying in the 60’s, ‘Becoming is better than being’ expressed the idea that growth was more desirable than a permanent state. It is a notion whose time has come again – this time around not so much as an ideology but as a result of research - research that I for one, am thrilled to read.

As a young (and very average) student ballet dancer ‘back in the day’, I was fleetingly encouraged by a claim that to be successful required only two percent talent and ninety-eight percent hard work. Unfortunately, my hard work seemed to go unnoticed and I felt increasingly discouraged and timid, gradually withdrawing from situations where my lack of self-confidence might be reinforced. The success I sought eluded me until I finally applied the hard work to the areas in which I was perceived to have ‘talent’. Two different careers later I discovered that I had been raised with a not-so-helpful ‘fixed’ mindset; when talent and abilities are praised and rewarded, and mistakes and efforts that fall short are indicators of lack of ability and to be discouraged or avoided. Conversely, a ‘growth’ mindset -viewing faults and failure as opportunities for growth- is a mindset that, I discovered, not only gradually reveals untapped abilities but opens doors of previously unimagined possibilities.

The terms ‘growth mindset and ‘fixed mindset’ were coined by one of the leading researchers in the field, Professor Carol Dweck at Stanford University, who is also often credited with popularising the ‘Becoming is better than being’ quote. Her research has attracted increasing attention among educators and mental health professionals because her findings show that, rather than focusing on intelligence and innate achievement, it is far more important to reward effort, creative strategies, and perseverance.

This growth mindset is all about ‘becoming’. It views the process; the effort; the ‘journey’; the growth itself as having more value than ‘being’ in the accomplished state. Although we are all inclined to praise intelligence and ability in both ourselves and in our children, research shows that this actually creates a ‘fixed mindset’ resulting in fragile people without the resilience needed to effectively tackle adversity or to persevere in the face of difficulty. With such a mindset, when we feel rejected or disappointed, we immediately think ‘I’m not likeable. I’m not approved of – I’m not a good enough person’, feeling guilt or shame for having done something negative or failed to achieved a goal. However, with a growth mindset we think ‘I am not happy with what I did. It’s inconsistent with my values. How can I better understand it? What can I learn from it? How can I make up for it and improve in the future?’

Dweck is often asked to compare her findings with the ever-popular Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and her response is particularly interesting. “CBT often says “Don’t think you’re not a smart person because you didn’t get an A. Look at all the other A’s you got – you’re a smart person.” But in the mindset framework, we’re saying “Get out of the smart-person framework entirely, Stop thinking about that the good or bad measures you but rather think of yourself as a work in progress.” CBT asks you to find evidence to challenge the argument, and we’re saying it’s the wrong argument.”

I find this particularly interesting because it validates and supports our work with Applied Emotional Mastery – where we focus on the feeling state and using the management of emotions to help better understand, learn from, and continuously improve – whether it’s in relationships, parenting, managing others or opening our own mind up to more possibilities; in other words to develop a growth mindset.

So, as we approach a new year again, why not start treating your mistakes, and your children’s mistakes, as exciting, interesting, perfect opportunities for learning and growth, and for building resilience. Had that been my mindset as a young dancer, who knows, age aside I might still be prancing around ‘en pointe’!

MIND THE UNDERCURRENT

I was once invited to give a workshop to a team of educational psychologists. One of them was not happy to be there; ‘I don’t need this,’ she grumbled, ‘I leave my emotions at home!’ I hope by the end of the training she’d had a change of heart. You can’t leave your emotions at home any more than you can leave your head, (much as we all might sometimes wish to!) Of course we would all like to think we can control our emotions, put them on hold, suppress them or even avoid them altogether. But no matter how good we get at this, if our words and actions are not congruent with how we actually feel, we are inauthentic and we risk being perceived as such. Even if you’ve practiced your body language and facial expressions down to a T, even if you have blocked your emotion from your own awareness, you will emanate what you are really feeling – and it’s going to be picked up. This is evidenced by research, both on the heart’s electromagnetic field (see HeartMath.org - Research) and on the brain’s mirror-neuron system using fMRI and other analysis (Siegel 2010), as well as in a plethora of other research studies – not that we need research to know it; I imagine many of you reading this have had personal experiences with this phenomena.  

Human beings are like an iceberg that is 90% submerged under water, with only 10% being visible. If a storm comes through from east to west you might be forgiven for believing that the iceberg will move west with the storm. However, if there is an undercurrent going in another direction, the iceberg will move with the current, because the current controls 90% of it. The same is true of us humans. The only difference being that we like to think we can control everything with our 10% and discount the power of our undercurrent – our emotions.

Knowing and being with our true emotions, daring to fully look ‘underneath’ so we can discover what our emotions are telling us, is the work of emotional mastery. It is also, ultimately, to develop the self-regulatory skills that, when we choose to use them, generate a feeling that is aligned with our actions (rather than feigning an emotion or control). We all have the ability to do just that – even in these times of distraction, over-stimulation, anxiety and chaos. Your ability to both understand your emotions and to manage them so you can generate a coherent, centred state when you need to, -to manage that undercurrent- is also a part of human nature and when you use that ability, it will positively affect everyone around you; “your field effect” can give you more authenticity and believability than anything else you do. In all my years of working on myself, and with parents, executives, teachers, management teams, and all those who are not in charge of anyone but themselves, I have found this to be a universal truth. 

Suggestion:  Post something by your front door to remind yourself of the impact you have – with your words as well as your 'field effect'- as you walk out into the world. Take a deep breath with a long exhale - and smile :-)  Throughout your day, check yourself and your feelings in your body: ask yourself Am I congruent? 

I used to post a quote by General Lee by my front door; “If you do not enjoy what you’re doing, you will be found out.” 

Happy summer everyone! 

 

Cotton-Wool or Free-Range Kids?

For some time now I have strongly suspected that we have become far more attached to our technology than is good for us. (Contrary to what this sentence may indicate, I am NOT about to embark on technology-bashing!) Recently it seems every newspaper and periodical I pick up has an article that in some way points to my suspicion as survey after survey shows that we are increasingly living technology-filled and virtually nature-free lives! One article posed the question” Cotton-wool kids – or free-range children?” I wonder, do we consciously make that choice, or is it just happening as we get wrapped up in texting, tweeting, emailing and friending, while we try to navigate the increasing demands on our time as well as that of our children – scheduling all their activities, not to mention ensuring their protection – and ending our days by collapsing in front of the TV? 
Apparently less than ten percent of children today regularly play in the free outdoors, (this compares to fifty percent of their parents when they were children). One study shows that kids can more easily identify a fictional character from TV than a wild animal. We all know that obesity levels have tripled in the last decade, and children’s mental  health is on a sharp decline.
Technology in and of itself is, of course, not the culprit; it’s the way we employ it - our indiscriminate use of it - that’s the problem. Social media was never meant to disconnect us from nature. It was, and is, merely meant to be a tool that, if anything should give us more freedom!
So while I’m on a roll speculating, I hypothesize that if each time we go to use that tool, to for example text, we ask ourselves is this really necessary, we may find it is not! If each time we click the facebook tab to check the latest posts, we ask ourselves do I need to do this now; or when we go to check our emails for the fifth time today we question the necessity, we may discover the answer is no. And when we reach for the cell phone for whatever reason we instead stop and look around us and take a moment to connect with our environment, directly through our senses, maybe we would glance upon a leaf or a tree and be reminded of nature, wherever we find it. Practising such self-questioning, we may eventually discover we have a little more time to get out into nature and to take our children out into nature, not for the purpose of DOING anything specific, but for no other reason than to just enJOY it – freely………. free-range!

Beautifully Risk-Taking Teenage Brains!

Whether we’ve raised teenagers or not, we’ve all been one, and we all know what a contradictory, risky, sometimes reckless and often confusing time it can be! We may also have plenty of explanations for why the teenage years are so emotional, unruly and rebellious, - in fact throughout history opinions have abounded about the ‘coming of age’ period when we. literally and figuratively, stretch ourselves into adulthood. Having been a very moody and defiant teenager myself – well into my twenties -I’ve always had an interest in every single rationale I’ve come across, yet there’s one thing that’s bothered me about most of the current attitudes to the teenage years; the negativity and disapproval so often ingrained in the very expectations of youth. Now I’m happy to note, there’s brain research that gives us not only logical reasons why teens think and behave they way they tend to do, but it highlights the positive significance and even necessity of their often reckless risk taking, pointing to the creativity, innovation, ‘thinking-outside-the-box’ and other qualities that comes with being a teen – and what it has meant for the survival of our species. If you haven’t read about it yet, you can in this National Geographic article at http://bit.ly/nksWpJ
It’s worth the read!

Parents Worry!

Most people worry sometimes. ALL of us who are parents, worry - a lot! It is part and parcel of being a parent – to worry about our children. When they start a new school, we worry. When they begin going off to parties on their own, we worry. When they make choices we do not approve of or understand, we worry. When they grow up and move away to run their own lives we continue to worry, although it feels a little different, because we no longer have any control, not even an illusion of control! :-)

Worry is what I call a ‘what if?’ emotion. Like anxiety, fear, concern, eagerness, hope, and expectancy, it anticipates and attempts to predict the future. The imagination, prone to run rampant, joins in and, if unchecked, feeds the emotion as various scenarios are envisioned. The best thing to do when you catch yourself in the throes of this experience is to say to yourself “Time Out!” Check where in your body you are holding the tension that has been created – and release it! I for one, tend to hold worry in my jaw and neck, so a good old roll of the head and shoulders, and an opening and closing of my mouth helps to loosen things up! With the tension released I take three deep breaths, focusing all my attention in the area of my heart, feeling my torso expand and contract around the heart as I breathe. I suggest you try it – it feels exceedingly pleasant!

When you really feel fully present & centered in your body, breathing calmly, visualize your child perfectly safe, happy, and learning what (s)he is meant to learn. Know that your child has his or her own journey to make through life and trust that you have given them the necessary values and skills to navigate through it – and whatever that looks like, don’t judge it but rather know that it is perfect.

Quite frankly, much as we do it, worry does nothing to help with anything. Try instead to “send” your child all your love and just be there, living your own life as best you can, but always in a loving state for them. That is the best support you can possibly give your child – and guess what? I’m telling myself this now, as my (very) adult daughter travels across another continent. As a matter of fact, I find myself using this process on quite a regular basis!