LEADERSHIP AND PARENTING: DEAD RINGERS?

“I am endlessly fascinated by that playing football is considered a training ground for leadership, but raising children isn’t.” So said political analyst Dee Dee Myers and indeed, this is a fascinating observation because leadership and parenting are possibly the two roles that are most similar in requirements for success.

Take a well-known quote about parenting; “There are two lasting bequests we can give our children; one is roots and the other is wings.” Replace the word children with employees and it holds equal value. Or a quote about leadership: “Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. Once you’re a leader, success is all about growing others.” Replace ‘leader’ with parent’ and again, snap!

Recognising our influence on those we lead or guide is the key to both parenting and leadership – and we influence both children and employees on several levels, three in fact. First of all, with what we do and what we say.  If what we say isn’t consistent with what we do, most of us can recognise that we create confusion and incoherence. In other words, we know that the old maxim “do what I say, not what I do!” is obsolete and doesn’t work. Whatever we say, especially to anyone we have influence over –a child or an employee– needs to be followed up by action that is congruent with our spoken words. If not, the result is a loss of respect - with often dire consequences. As if this isn’t challenging enough, there is a third element to take into consideration, and that is how we feel.

When what we feel is inconsistent with either of the other two, it will influence our thinking and our behaviour, no matter how controlled we think we are! It will also be picked up by the other person, and we can never fully know just how sensitive he or she is. The result? Insecurities and a sense of in-authenticity will begin to permeate the relationship, - whether that relationship is with your child, employee or indeed with anyone.

The key to avoiding this –or resolving it if you think you are already inconsistent– is to first ensure you are fully aware of what you are feeling, of any underlying emotions, and then manage those emotions so that they either a) become consistent with your outward communication OR b) if appropriate, you find a positive way to align your actions with your true feelings.

This is obviously, for most of us, easier said than done! Personally, I found it to be a huge challenge early on in life and went through many years of searching and working on myself to gain my own emotional mastery (I’m still ‘a work in progress’!) Raising my own daughter as well as running several companies, it has never ceased to amaze me that such an important life-skill is not given us at the same time as we learn ‘please’, ‘thank-you’, and reading and writing.

As a result, I have made it my life’s mission to help others, especially those who lead, guide and raise others, to learn to identify, understand and manage emotions – their own and those they influence. And the core skills and abilities are the same for both leaders and parents!

Fortunately, I get plenty of help from the copious amounts of relatively recent research findings, from both neuroscience and decades of studies in psychology, evidence that consistently shows just how significant managing our emotions –developing our emotional intelligence– is to not only our own success, but also to our capacity for positively influencing others and for successful, healthy, sustainable relationships, be they with our children, those we lead, or anyone we wish to make a positive difference to!

DO YOU REALLY LISTEN?

             We don’t listen. Really, we don’t. Listening requires us to be fully present, and if there is one thing that seems to have become increasingly difficult to do, it’s to be fully present, and therefore to fully listen. In her book Alone Together, researcher and psychologist Sherry Turkle shares her findings that children are complaining more about parents not listening to them than they have ever done. The increased pressures of life appear to have shortened our attention spans significantly, reducing our ability to focus on just one thing at a time. If someone who is speaking to us doesn’t get straight to the point we lose interest and pull out our phone ‘just to check’; we check our devices for social media updates or emails if the film we’re watching has a lull in it, and we text while we’re giving our child instructions on their schedule, all the while convincing ourselves that we are really good at multitasking, when what we are actually getting good at, is doing nothing very well. 

            While we have gained convenience and an ease of connecting that we couldn’t even dream of a generation ago, we seem to be losing the ability for being fully present with someone, for giving all our attention to listening and understanding so that the person feels heard and felt. The erosion of this ability is taking its toll on all relationships, but especially our relationships with our children.

            The breakdown of listening as an ability or skill is also evident inside our own minds where we are ‘multitasking’ while supposedly listening to someone. Although we hear what is being said, we are simultaneously assessing the part that resonated most, even judging it, and framing our own reply while a multitude of other thoughts that have nothing at all to do with the conversation are running rampant in our head; what we’re having for dinner, the traffic report, the shopping list we forgot, the missed phone call and all the emails we have to write as soon as we can get back to our device. I certainly cannot listen successfully in this way, nor can anyone else I have ever met, yet we all continue to attempt to listen and multitask simultaneously as if it were actually possible, then wonder why we have so many misunderstandings and challenges in our communications and capacity to understand each other.

            To truly listen requires attention, willingness to place our own issues aside, and respect. It requires that we give the speaker (even if she is just a toddler) our full and focused attentiveness, that we are willing to untether ourselves from any agenda we might have while we listen, and that we respect the speaker enough to consider his or her expressions seriously. Unfortunately, because this doesn’t happen much today, we experience and witness endless frustrations, misinterpretations, misunderstandings, disagreements, arguments and conflicts in every area of life on an extraordinary, and I would posit unmatched, level.  In families, corporations, organisations, groups, and relationships of every kind, the failure to listen well is rampant and regrettably also forms the basis of assumptions that underlie many important decisions that are made on all levels of society –assumptions that were made because we didn’t take the time, nor did we have the focus, to listen well.

            Learning to listen well and be fully present is a critical skill, and one that we need to give a lot more priority to developing, more now than ever. Learning to master our own emotions is key. The more we are masters of our own emotional state –in other words, the better we can manage our own feelings and stress– the better equipped we are to listen and understand others, especially our children well. It is a significant gain that results from developing the self-awareness and capacity for self-management that is emotional intelligence, and that Applied Emotional Mastery™ facilitates.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE '5-A-DAY' TIPS FOR THE NEW YEAR!

I wonder whether you are as puzzled as I am by the lack of emotional maturity amongst politicians these days? Where is the emotional intelligence? Not that we should expect our leaders to have the highest EI any more than that they should have the highest IQ. but the complete lack of it we are seeing around the world beggars belief. It seems to me that uncontrolled emotions are completely running things.

We all know that emotions are powerful, but I believe there is enough evidence published by now that I can safely claim they are THE most powerful force we have. They drive everything of significance: what you think, how you behave, how you perform, how you communicate, how well your brain works and even how healthy you are. And while emotions are powerful when you are aware of them, emotions wreak havoc when you’re not! Which could be one reason why unmanaged emotions are so prevalent in politics and leadership: there is little if any self-awareness.

As you may be aware (pun intended), self-awareness is a prerequisite for emotional and social intelligence – if you are unaware of what you’re feeling or how it’s impacting you, you are unlikely to have much awareness of how you are affecting others. You will also have less capacity for empathy and, most important of all, for managing your own emotions so you could think and act in ways that work better for you, your goals, your situation and the people around you.

Unfortunately, there is little any of us can do about our leaders (save taking EI into consideration next time we are called on to vote for or influence the election of one, of course.) However, we can always get better at developing our own EI – and thereby influence ourselves and our surroundings in as positive a way as possible. Just as with the plastics crisis, we each can make a difference!

So, as we move towards 2019 (a year that will hopefully be managed with more emotional intelligence) – I offer a few practical guidelines (or for many of you, reminders) to help us all contribute to that! 

Think of them as your ‘EI 5-A-Day’.

1. Label your feelings rather than other people - avoiding blame.
2. Own your feelings. Take responsibility for your own emotional reality. (Check in your body; where & what are your feelings?)
3. Make a distinction between what you feel and what you think.
4. Acknowledge when your emotions aren’t helpful or working for you and/or others, and take a time-out to self-regulate and problem-solve whatever is causing the emotion (use tension release processes and slow breathing).
5. Look for learning and growth in your emotions or the stress-producing situation, and appreciate ‘what is’.

I hope you find this a helpful checklist. If so, do pass it on!

Warm wishes,

Jennifer

AGREE TO DISAGREE?

I find myself beginning to appreciate something I used to hate as a child, something I felt was filled with disdain and put-downs and which I felt emotionally inept at participating in – that something was ‘vigorous discussion’. In our family, discussions often turned heated and even hostile. I would get so emotional I couldn’t compete with some family members’ forcefulness, especially those who seemed to find amusement in others’ agitation or passion. Invariably I would get so emotional I would just storm off, (definitely contributing to my desire to learn how to manage emotions!)

Nevertheless, discussion remained to some degree a part of my life, and as I learned to manage my emotions better, (particularly needed when one of my more passionate opinions was challenged!) I also learned to recognise the value of discussion in accepting differing points of view and in taking me out of my comfort zone, thereby expanding my mind. I learned that getting along with each other is not synonymous with concurrent opinions, and that there is such a thing as healthy conflict.

However, in the last couple of years my view of the inevitability of healthy discussion and disagreements during life’s journey has been challenged, and challenged too often to be ignored.

It seems that many of us are becoming less and less willing to handle differences of opinion, and more and more inclined to judge and condemn outright those who may have a differing view, even before any kind of dialog has begun, never mind having a discussion. I am not referring to any subject matter in particular, but rather a trend both on social media and in ‘real’ life that is creating more rigidity, intolerance and blame and less and less of what we really need; resilience, tolerance, compassion, and emotionally intelligence.

Whether this is due to increasingly divisive and hostile political atmospheres, growing vitriol on social media or a combination of many other factors, it certainly isn’t helped by the algorithms of social media that only feeds us more of whatever perspective we already agree with, leaving our opinions unchallenged and our comfort zone firmly intact.

Although these algorithms create an environment that meets our need to connect with like-minded people in like-minded groups, all too often those same groups allow no dissent and offer only facts that support our beliefs, making it easy to ignore any evidence that our perception could be wanting or even mistaken. The momentary sense of belonging such exclusivity brings creates internal narratives –storylines we tell ourselves– that actually fuel isolation, prejudice, and create feelings of defensiveness, leading to anxiety and even fear.

Psychologist and author Brene Brown puts it this way; “When we feel isolated, disconnected, we try to protect ourselves. In that mode we want to connect, but our brain is attempting to override connection with self-protection. That means less empathy, more defensiveness, more numbing.” Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, has studied fear since before 9/11. “For the moment, most of us are either making the choice to protect ourselves from conflict, discomfort and vulnerability by staying quiet, or picking sides. Either way, the choices we’re making to protect our beliefs and ourselves are leaving us disconnected, afraid and lonely.”

I wonder if our new Minister for Loneliness here in the UK has made this connection, that there is a significant relationship between unchallenged opinions and loneliness? (Yes, for those of you in other countries that may not have heard, we do now have a Minister for Loneliness!)

A researcher who has studied loneliness and its causes and effects for over twenty years is social neuroscientist John Cacioppo. “To grow into adulthood as a social species, as humans,” he says, “is not to become autonomous and solitary, it’s to become the one on whom others can depend. Whether we know it or not, our brain and biology have been shaped to favour this outcome.”

Our brains are hardwired to connect and to meet the basic human need to belong –to a family, group or tribe. Cacioppo’s studies have found that our neural, hormonal and genetic make-up supports interdependence over independence. We derive the most strength not from our individualism, but from our collective ability to plan, communicate, negotiate and collaborate together. And today, instead of creating isolation, social media could be a positive force for connecting us to diverse opinions, diverse cultures and indeed diversity of experience.

Almost two decades ago I attended a conference where the keynote speaker, activist and author of You Are, Therefore I Am, Satish Kumar suggested that the greatest illusion of our time is that we are independent. He pointed out that the focus on the independent individual has lead us down a destructive path and he used the US Declaration of Independence as a metaphor, saying “…instead we need a Declaration of Dependence, …… we are dependent on each other, on our earth and on our society.” The fact that indeed we are dependent on each other includes our diversity and diversity of opinions as well.

Healthy discussion or ‘healthy conflict’ has also been a noteworthy part of the research into emotional intelligence, with several studies showing clear evidence that there is a significant relationship between the ability to participate in healthy conflict and high emotional intelligence (EI). Those with well-developed EI are more likely to collaborate and to seek and find compromise than those with less developed EI who were more likely to avoid conflict altogether or adopt a dominating style. * Albert Einstein stated it well (although emotional intelligence was not a concept back then) “Any fool can know; the point is to understand.”

TRY THIS:
1.When you find yourself feeling disturbed or threatened by disagreement or a challenge to your beliefs, take a deep breath and give yourself a few moments to pay attention to your emotion, and the tension in your body. Try to let go of the tension. Exhale and ask yourself if you are really threatened (if the answer you give yourself is ‘yes’ then plese leave the situation). If you know you are not really threatened, stand up if you can and take a few deep breaths, checking your posture and opening your chest. Centre yourself.

2. Then listen – and for just a minute or two, step into the shoes of the other person. Try to understand where they are coming from. This is not so you’ll agree with them – just so you understand and therefore can increase your ability to better communicate.

3. When you do ‘speak your truth’ in a disagreement, try to stay aware of your triggers - monitor your breath, your body and your posture. Notice any tension or uncomfortable changes. This will help you stay aware of possible ‘short circuiting’ in your brain that may have your ‘threat system’ triggered – in which case a long exhale or even a trip to the bathroom might be called for.

If we can be mindful like this, take charge of our emotions, on purpose, within a discussion or conflict, our brain stays ‘switched on’. In such a ‘managed’ state we can also stay aware of and true to our own values while being mindful of the differing values of the other - and the possible value of the very conflict itself.

When we mindfully manage our emotions, a disagreement can –instead of something we avoid– become an energy that propels us forward to a resolution or to finding a middle ground, and often a collaboration that helps us act or ‘perform’ better, be more authentic, learn about each other and keep communication open. With such ‘emotional intelligence’ applied, conflict can even be used positively, creating an energy that can ‘get things done’. Most importantly, it is within a healthy discussion or conflict that we can capture the differences and diversity that make a community, group or family a stronger, richer, more entrained unit. At the very least, we can agree to disagree!

Jennifer

https://www.facebook.com/EmotionRevolution/

EMOTIONS OVER INTELLECT?

Emotions over Intellect or intellect over emotions? When I heard this question raised on the radio, I stopped in my tracks. What?! This can’t be right. But the voice on the radio went on, extrapolating his belief that we have become a society with too much focus on emotions. According to him, we talk about them, revel in them, and use them as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour. This may occasionally be true, but it became clear that he viewed emotions as completely separate from intellect – in fact he claimed that a focus on emotions somehow dumbs us down, interferes with our intellectual progress and actually reduces logical thinking. In these last three words, I finally agreed he had a point, but not in the way he meant it!

If the question were ‘either emotion OR intellect’ – it would indicate that if we want to achieve intellectual prowess we need to get rid or reduce our emotions, not give them any attention – which is tantamount to stuffing our feelings in a bag. My first argument against this attitude is that we now have almost a century’s worth of evidence showing how stifling emotions damages both mental and physical health in all manner of ways. Secondly and more to the point, as far as the intellect is concerned our emotional state actually drives our thinking. When our feelings are positive, happy, engaged, enthused, purposeful, inspired, or passionate, our brain is fully ‘switched on’ and works at its highest potential. Emotions only dumb down our intelligent, reasonable thinking when they are negatively stress-producing and unmanaged, when they trigger signals sent between the brain and the body that prime us for defence.

We only have one system to deal with stress, and this system is designed to prepare us for self-defence against physical threat. When it is triggered, our energy needs to be diverted to our body, our heart beating faster so that blood and oxygen can be sent to our muscles and we become stronger and more able to fight or run away from a rabid animal or some other threat. In such cases, we also need our brain to be laser-focused, so any area of the brain that makes us empathic, creative, curious or otherwise ‘intellectually inclined, is of no use and so basically shuts down.  

Unfortunately, these days when our 'threat system' becomes triggered, we are usually experiencing a threat to our assumptions, expectations, pride or ego. So, when we are stuck in traffic and that all-important meeting may be missed or we feel offended or rejected by a text or email, our brain – if unmanaged – goes into its ‘threat response’. The result is that any logical, intelligent thinking is reduced to almost naught and in many cases is obliterated altogether. Anyone who has regretted their own actions or behaviour will likely recognise this experience!

Emotions and intellect are two parts of the same human brain, and both are needed for either to function well. In order for both to flourish, one cannot stifle the other, instead they must collaborate. We need to use the intellect to acknowledge, validate and learn what our emotions are telling us (yes, they all have something to tell us), and learn to manage our emotions so they support the intellect.

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This is all the work of attaining and applying emotional mastery - and although you could say this is all very relevant to the current state of world affairs(!), we can only really take charge of ourselves.

For information about coaching and resources go to www.AppliedEmotionalMastery.com or for tips and guided meditations to help build emotional mastery, go to www.youtube.com/EmotionRevolution

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