We are hard-wired for
connection. Recent findings show that when
we feel social pain – a snub, a rejection or an unkind word – our emotional
experience is as real as physical pain. Unfortunately,
in our so-called Western culture we tend to venerate independence, often
rejecting the notion of connecting with and relying on one another for emotional
well-being – the very connection we are wired to need. But the findings are
irrefutable: we are wired to be social beings, and that means interdependence.
What we mean by ‘wired’ is that there is
a network of neurons in the brain that facilitates our connection with each
other. It is biological. This neural network was discovered by psychiatrist and
neurologist Constantin von Economo in 1926 as part of his research into neuroanatomy.
He discovered two unusually long neurons in the prefrontal cortex (front of the
brain), and that these neurons extend all the way into the gut. There they
inform our instinctive social responses, such as when we automatically respond
to cues like a smile of recognition or a familiar voice, a scowl of displeasure
or a cry of pain.
This neural network also drives out need
for social connection and acknowledgment, which brings me to the all too
prevalent FOMO (fear of missing out). Although there are many theories as to
why our current-day internet use – particularly social media – appears to be so
addictive, this neural network we all have, suggests that it’s not the internet
per se that is addictive, but the compulsion to connect, to avoid feeling
alone, excluded, or out of the loop. The resulting anxiety that appears to
becoming a problem we cannot ignore, is driven by this primal drive to connect
and essentially have our existence recognised by others. Social media is
feeding this instinct with instantaneous reward (or not) that keeps us checking
in with increasing frequency such that we never get to fully recover before we
feel the need to check again. This is the addictive cycle that, although originally
stemming from a perfectly natural neural wiring, becomes imbalanced, perpetuating
anxiety and stress – sadly much of which is the result of imagined rejection.
Combatting this by giving more priority
to actual human connection will go some way to restoring the balance. All ‘in
person’ contact with other human beings triggers biochemical responses, at
every level of our bodies and brains. Electrically and chemically. Both the
heart and the brain picks up signals as well as transmitting them. Within 12
feet of another person, our bodies start to pick up emotional energy from
another person, layered by our own beliefs, memories, judgments and narratives
we imagine, based on how we ourselves are feeling. In less than a millisecond
we determine whether we feel defensive towards the person or trust the person,
and whether he or she may add value to the interaction or conversation we are
about to embark upon.
This ‘real-life’ way is how we are
designed to connect and to develop relationships and (hopefully) healthy
interdependences.
Fully present, focused interaction, appreciating and savouring our connection
with the other person, releases endorphins which counteract the addictive
quick-fix reward-dopamine cycle, creating more balance and quality of relationship.
Our capacity to ‘tune in’ to others, in person, also helps us to empathise and
generate compassion and other balancing and self-regulating emotions that make
us more fully present with those very connections we yearn for. The result is a
healthier, happier and actually considerably more connected life.
A
few practical tips:
Check
the ‘Social’ in Screen-Time: 99% of
the time, the reason for checking social media frequently is that, deep down,
you just want to connect. Remind yourself of this each time you reach for your
device; the connections you make there are largely superficial. Pause and ask
yourself whether it will bring you closer to or further away from real-life
connections?
Hacking
real-life connection: Can your next
use of social media be to foster your real-life relationships (i.e. arranging
to meet for a coffee, or organise a gathering?) Try to avoid passively scanning
feeds or engaging in social comparisons. Instead, explore how you can use technology
more to deepen real-life connections: to spread happiness, gratitude,
compassion, and the well-being that comes from in-person communication.
Check-in
with Yourself: Throughout your day,
at regular intervals, (for example whenever you reach for your phone) take your
attention into your body and ask yourself what you feel. Identify the emotion,
and the associated tension or felt sense. Let your body ‘tell you’.
Let
it Be: Allow yourself to identify a feeling-word
or an image to describe your body’s sensation. Accept it, and breathe into it. And
only then, let it go – exhale and allow the tension to drop away. Then ask
yourself if the emotion is telling you something you need to act on or maybe it’s
not working for you? Do you need to change the way you feel (rather than
escaping from it into technology)?
Choose
it or ‘Lose it’: Use technology to
help you choose how you feel rather than allowing tech to control you. Sign up
for apps that help you get centred and activate that inner smile: Headspace is
a good one to start with, as are the HeartMath apps, and Happify. Better still,
use a journal and pen and write to process your emotions and thoughts.
The
Real 5-2 Fast; a list of tips such as
these cannot exist without the suggestion to take a technology fast. There is
so much evidence now to show that regularly disconnecting from tech is good for
your health and happiness that I will not elaborate much. Suffice it to say
studies show it can improve your concentration, reduce stress and anxiety, and
increase your overall well-being and mental health. Try giving yourself limits
such as no devices by the table or in the bedroom. Better yet, turn them all
off at the weekend, so you get 2 social-media-free days for every 5 you use! I
promise you, it will make a significant improvement to your well-being and the
well-being of all your connections and relationships.
