Applying Emotional Mastery

Life Ain't Easy!

2012-02-26T18:49:00.002-05:00

My ex used to say “Life’s a bitch and then you die!” What a terrible statement! No wonder I had forgotten about it …. until I was recently reminded of an old favourite book I used to read to help me make sense of my life back then; The Road Less Travelled by Scott M. Peck. Author Peck had a more constructive take on the sentiment of my ex; he concluded that yes, life IS difficult - AND only when we accept this and face it as fact, can we do something about it and eventually transcend it! That book was one of my bibles for years, and gradually I discovered my own tools for change, tools which made it less and less frightening to open up what seemed like a Pandora’s box filled with the issues that made life so difficult.
A few of the ‘tools’ to ponder (and even implement ):

1.    Pay attention to your body. Does it feel good? Bad? Tense? Can’t tell? Where do you feel your various emotions? Try noticing what your body is trying to tell you........
2.    Breathe. It’s the single most significant thing we do. Do it slowly and mindfully at least twice a day..........
3.    Take TIME to solve your problems, and never underestimate the helpfulness of writing. The process of writing (about any issue you have) can, in and of itself, help you clarify, give you insights, and often even help you find a solution..........
4.    Wisdom, problem-solving abilities and insights come when the brain is creatively ‘switched on’, and the brain is designed to function at it’s most creative when we are in a feel-good state. Suggestion: appreciate something – anything in your life - feel it..... and feel your brain working better!

Even if life still ain’t easy, I've found that applying these simple steps makes me much better able to handle life’s trials, and more and more to experience that life is in fact, most of the time, beautiful!

Keeping It In Perspective!

2012-02-05T09:57:00.000-05:00

I try to keep a balanced approach to social media in my life – i.e., I keep my Tweets to once a day and I only check Facebook a couple of times a week….. not easy recently as I have reconnected with quite a few ‘old’ friends through FB! This of course is delightful to say the least! Wonderful that short messages and a few clicks make it possible to re-establish human connections across vast miles and many countries. However, I find the follow up, the moving on from FB into emails, Skyping, phoning, and if possible actually getting together for a beverage, is the really gratifying piece. The short-lived (and very public) connection made via social media gives an equally short-lived and often superficial satisfaction. Maybe that is why this increase in accessibility to each other parallels an increase in social ‘phobias’ and social insecurities and anxiety, especially amongst young people? I know I am not the only coach/counselor finding this in my practice. We are seeing clear evidence of the fact that with all the advantages of technology, human beings still need the human, face-to-face connection for true fulfillment and friendship to flourish. What I have found personally, is that once a friendship is established, ‘in the flesh’, social media can help keep lines of communication open and so support it’s upkeep; keeping it all in perspective!
In order for us all the learn to use social media in a healthy, supportive way, I believe we need to place a little more emphasis in our educational environments (and that includes ALL stages of education) on building social and emotional intelligence …………the basic life skills that actually form the foundation for success and fulfillment – but now that’s a whole new subject and another blog entry……. :-)

A Favourite Story

2012-01-19T16:17:00.000-05:00

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat, with just one fisherman, docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. The Mexican replied that it only took him a little while. The American then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish?
    The Mexican said that he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked; “What do you do with the rest of your time?”
    The fisherman replied; “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”
    The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
    The Mexican fisherman asked, “But how long will this take?”
    To which the American replied, “15 to 20 years.”
    “But, what then?” the fisherman asked.
    The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right, you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!”
    “Millions…..and then what?” inquired the fisherman.
    The American said, “Then you would retire and move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play guitar with your amigos.”

Experiencing Peace?

2012-01-10T15:58:00.000-05:00

A new year invites reflection…. even if it’s only a brief one about what we’d like to do differently or more or less of, although by now you may be fed up with reading about new year’s resolutions or even trying to stick to one yourself! Paradoxically, your ability to do, behave or act successfully is directly proportionate to your ability to reflect, to tune in and listen to your own intuitive insights - in order to make the best choices and decisions as you go about your daily life. You may know this intuitively, but are not necessarily practicing it :-) If so, you’ll be in good company! Increasing amounts of people are requesting help to handle stress better and to attain calm, probably because in troubled times it becomes harder to experience any sense of peace.
To help, we have just uploaded a new, gentle guided meditation (this time with no music or sound effects), for experiencing peace. If you would like to listen, click here and sign in to the Zone.

The ability to experience feelings of calm and peace is more important than ever now, helping, as it does, the brain to function significantly better than when we are worried or tense – as well as boosting our immune system, creating more emotional balance, improving our sense of well being, and even slowing down the ageing process, all good things to help us navigate through 2012!

PS: We have also uploaded a new goal oriented visualization for children ‘Your Theater…….. helpful to sustain the focus on achieving any goal! Check it out - and enjoy!

The Power of You

2011-12-28T19:00:00.003-05:00

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are, but the people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstance they want, and if they can’t find them, they make them.” George Bernhard Shaw

Make the circumstances we want, rather than blame the circumstances we have ….. hmmmm, easier said than done…… this means we have a choice! What choice? you may well ask, (especially in days that seem to become more dire by the hour!) Well, we have a choice about how we respond to everything that occurs and also about what we choose to do with what we have. Discouraging? For some maybe, because a choice implies a decision, and a decision excludes other possibilities …. and in these precarious times, who would want to exclude all options!

What we often forget is that indecision is a decision in itself, and often leads to choices being made for us, by others and by circumstances! Although it may be easier to blame circumstances than to face the responsibility of making a choice, - what if it’s the ‘wrong’ choice?! – the result is usually hindsight; ‘Of course, what I should have done,’ ‘what I could have done’, and ‘I wish I had done,’ or 'if only we had done ....' We all know the power of hindsight!

On the other hand, in the ‘now’, each moment that we make a choice or a decision based on our own ‘inner knowing’ (or intuition), each time we dare to step up to and act on what we believe in our heart is right, in that very moment we are so much more powerful than we have been conditioned to believe!

As we move into 2012, let’s discard the old conditioning that has us believing we are victims of circumstance, the conditioning that makes us indecisive and anxious, and even afraid. Let’s instead claim the actual immense power that resides within each one of us – the power to take charge of our choices, trust our own insights, and create the ‘circumstances’ we want, moment by moment.......... And if by chance you don’t see evidence of your power in your life, remember that the atom still exists even though you have never seen one.

Roll on 2012!

HAPPY Christmas!

2011-12-19T10:48:00.000-05:00

Did you know that kindness is good for your health …. and for your brain? Findings have shown that the neurotransmitters associated with happiness, reward and laughter are increased when we choose to be kind rather than self-serving. A fitting piece of science for the holidays, don’t you think? This gets right to the heart of what Christmas is about! And what wonderful news it is that not only do our brains function better when we are kind and caring, all the feelings that are activated boost our IgA levels – the first line of defence in our immune systems.

So when you're offering to help someone, giving to charity, making a cup of coffee for a friend, or serving up a meal you've prepared, remember you're doing yourself a big favour!

Wishing you a truly HAPPY Christmas, from all of us here at TheBeingEffect.com

Fun is Free!

2011-12-07T17:27:00.000-05:00

When I was eight, we spent the winter with my grandma, in her cottage in a small village in the east of England. It was a thatched cottage, with low ceilings and wobbly floors. My father had to stoop to walk through the door-ways. Leading upstairs were two steep and narrow staircases, both with ropes draped on the walls that served as banisters. I used to love climbing up those stairs on my way to bed, hanging onto the ropes and pretending I was a mountain climber.

And that winter there was much more for the imagination to play with: we got snowed in! It snowed and snowed for days on end until there was so much snow, we couldn’t open the front door, nor the ground floor windows. And the snow stayed for so long that we ran out of food! Eventually a helicopter arrived and dropped food in large nets onto the snow-laden roof. My father and grandfather climbed out of an upstairs window to retrieve it. Imagine the excitement for an eight-year old! But neither my parents or my grandfather seemed to appreciate my excitement, hardly responding to my shrieks of delight at all. They were all too (understandably) worried, fretting about the food supplies, the buried cars, the freezing cold, the lack of electricity, the frozen pipes,....... and all that snow!

My grandmother, however, was different. She turned the whole experience into an adventure! She made soup in a big pot over the fire in the fireplace while wearing a black witches hat and teaching me to recite ‘hubble bubble, toil and trouble’ as she stirred. We drew funny faces on the cold wet window panes, while stuffing towels around the windows to modify the draught. We kept warm with layer upon layer of clothing until we looked like aliens and waddled about making up alien dances. She made everyone gather round to roast sausages in the fireplace, and sing songs as loud as we could. It was wonderful! To this day, my memories of her - and especially that snow-bound experience - serve to remind me that fun, play, and delight can be had in pretty much most situations ……regardless of how bad the times are! It’s all in the attitude - Such a good reminder this year :-)

Care Over Cash - A Female Thing?

2011-11-25T07:44:00.002-05:00

“If only women were in charge …. “ sighed a man to his companion next to me on the train, as he closed his newspaper. Not the first time I’ve heard that remark, or said it myself! What do we mean by this? I know what I mean – that the qualities we associate with the ‘female brain’ – nurturing, gathering, relationship skills, flexibility and openness, care and compassion – seem to be in short supply in many corners of the world these days, and if they were more present there would be less suffering and greed.

Imagine for a moment, the proverbial corridors of power, political or corporate, but where everyone has more flexibility, openness, and compassion – it might look something like this: everyone approaches cultural diversity as a strength as opposed to as an obstacle. Imagine everyone prioritising their relationship skills - this could mean more effective teams, globally as well as locally, all being managed with emotional intelligence, dialog flowing and compromises and decisions reached. Last but not least, imagine compassion being a quality valued and required by all people in power – surely we would see more inclusiveness and more ethical decisions on every level; we would see the prioritization of care over cash; and social responsibility would be something people, leaders, have rather than a buzz-word they use.

Traditionally’ the qualities in these imaginings are considered ‘female’, (which I presume is what the sighing man on the train was referring to). However, I believe we all know that everyone, regardless of gender, has the capacity for these qualities. Even though our brains are wired differently – this is as much the result of ‘training’ as it is biology. Contrary to conventional belief, men are not slaves to testosterone, and compassion & relating is not the sole territory of women. According to Dr Louanne Brizendine, author of 'The Male Brain', there is plentiful research showing that the adult male brain has great capacity for both devotion and nurturing.

SO, on that note I’m going to adjust my thinking about this ‘leadership’ subject and instead of ‘If only women were in charge’, I’ll be thinking about and imagining everybody in leadership positions accessing their innate abilities for compassion, openness, and relating. The imagination is a powerful thing ….maybe it will make a difference, however small! Won’t you join me? :-)

Who's The Boss?

2011-11-06T09:54:00.000-05:00

Piercing scream from aisle eleven,
Tantrum in progress
Escalating fast.
‘Gimme gimme!” yells the screamer,
Louder and louder,
How long will it last?

Earplugs are on aisle eleven,
Can’t get to them
The dad’s in the way
Bending down to try to reason
With the screamer,
What on earth will he say?

‘Sweety please, do stop your screaming,
Please be good,
Be quiet now.”
“I don’t wanna!” yells the offspring.
Dad looks flustered,
Sweat beads on his brow.

Trying to ignore the racket,
With fellow shoppers
I vacate the aisle.
Still I hear the constant crying,
Dad’s enduring,
I manage a smile.

“I will get you coke and burger
If you’re good
And stop this din.”
Dad beseeches. Youngster screeches
“I want Gameboy!”
I wonder who’ll win?

Bawling keeps on escalating
Soon creating
Hearing loss!!
Then suddenly the holler ceases.
Finally,
Dad showed who’s boss!

Leaving supermarket later,
A familiar
High-pitched scream.
There, again, the kid 'in tantrum',
Gameboy in hand
Yelling “Now! Ice-cream!”

Beautifully Risk-Taking Teenage Brains!

2011-10-24T18:39:00.000-04:00

Whether we’ve raised teenagers or not, we’ve all been one, and we all know what a contradictory, risky, sometimes reckless and often confusing time it can be! We may also have plenty of explanations for why the teenage years are so emotional, unruly and rebellious, - in fact throughout history opinions have abounded about the ‘coming of age’ period when we. literally and figuratively, stretch ourselves into adulthood. Having been a very moody and defiant teenager myself – well into my twenties -I’ve always had an interest in every single rationale I’ve come across, yet there’s one thing that’s bothered me about most of the current attitudes to the teenage years; the negativity and disapproval so often ingrained in the very expectations of youth. Now I’m happy to note, there’s brain research that gives us not only logical reasons why teens think and behave they way they tend to do, but it highlights the positive significance and even necessity of their often reckless risk taking, pointing to the creativity, innovation, ‘thinking-outside-the-box’ and other qualities that comes with being a teen – and what it has meant for the survival of our species. If you haven’t read about it yet, you can in this National Geographic article at http://bit.ly/nksWpJ
It’s worth the read!

Child-Driven Learning Does it Again!

2011-10-13T10:03:00.000-04:00

I have just had what you might call a mind-altering experience – a view I thought would stay the same has shifted. Let me explain. As you may know if you’ve read my earlier posts, I have been somewhat concerned about the time children today spend interacting with computers (rather than live people). I have been most concerned about the effect this appears to have on their development, in particular relationship skills and social intelligence. Amazingly, although not exactly allaying my concern, research I recently came across certainly gives me a wider perspective! The research in question has been done by education scientist Sugata Mitra, who found (after years of studies) that when children independently use computers and most specifically the internet, in groups – that is, without adult supervision and in combination with inter-personal interaction with their peers – not only does their learning capacity significantly increase but education itself is taken to a whole new level! Additional benefits that have emerged from Mitra’s studies - for communities and indeed for our ‘global wellness’ – are intriguing. I am fascinated. If you haven’t come across it, check it out. It's a TED talk, so not too long and most entertaining.
http://www.ted.com/talks/sugata_mitra_the_child_driven_education.html

Can We Change How We Do Change....

2011-09-21T13:07:00.000-04:00

Change is in the air - both because the air is distinctly autumnal, and of course because of the state of the world! But are we going about change in the way we could? The turning of the leaves and the very slight chill in the air got me thinking, then writing........ and writing more. Somewhat inspired, I ended up writing too much for a mere Blog - more like a small article - so I posted it on my Hub-Pages.........Click on this link and (if you're so inclined), I hope you enjoy! I welcome your response comments...... http://jenniferday.hubpages.com/t/2962ff

At The Risk of Repeating Myself......

2011-09-12T07:57:00.000-04:00

If anyone you know is still skeptical about the value of emotional intelligence and stress management, they are not alone. Despite all the findings to the contrary, most business leaders are still concerned that feelings like compassion and empathy might conflict with company ideals(!) In a study of 250 corporate executives, researchers found that the majority of them, even now, believe that businesslike decisions would be made more difficult if feelings were given too much consideration………..
Well, although I find myself initially sighing with a great degree of exasperation, I muster my own emotional intelligence :-) and recognize that this finding means we just need to keep writing and talking! .... talking about all the research and knowledge we now have on the human brain and how the human being REALLY works, until we reach the tipping point and all the people in charge of the rest of us get it; that feelings and emotions power our thoughts and behaviours and therefore underlie just about everything; until they get that only way to actually make so-called businesslike decisions, - or indeed do anything that requires clear, objective thinking - is to manage one’s stress and emotions (notice I say 'manage' not 'control' - please see below for further reading if you’d like to read more on this.)
It’s not as if this is an impossible task or even a big challenge! Managing stress and emotions can be learned - and because emotional intelligence teaches us the ways to make our brains and our lives work better, we feel almost instant benefits. A simple concept – but apparently very hard for some to adopt! If you've had your own experiences and you do ‘get it’ (and if you're reading this, I imagine you do) please, share your insights …………. someone who is in charge of others may hear you and then you’d be doing us all a great, great service!
Cheers!

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I Have A Simple Dream

2011-09-06T06:05:00.000-04:00

I would like to see all our politicians stop having knee-jerk reactions and start taking more responsibility for their emotions – their fear, insecurities, greed, anxiety, pride – emotions they are most likely not even aware of but that drive so much of what they say. Can you imagine them STOPPING their reactions, quietly DROPPING their attention into their bodies, (breathing, focusing in the heart etc.) and self-regulating BEFORE they open their mouths…..? A bit far fetched maybe :-) If they did though, the chances are that their brains would work with more clarity and vision - and they’d be more likely to ‘respond’ to issues rather than react. And wouldn’t that be helpful for all of us .….. I dream on………. Ahhh, but don’t we all need to get out of our heads and drop our awareness into our bodies more, into the wisdom that comes from being centered?

An Ode To The Peapod

2011-08-24T07:58:00.000-04:00

Today I shelled peas.
No big deal you might say
But it isn’t the norm to shell peas, these days.

The norm’s in a bag
Either frozen or dried
Not fresh, plump pods with the peas inside.

I’m happy to say
T'was the real thing today
My thumb split the pod and it felt like play

One in my mouth
‘Tween my teeth it went pop
The sweet fresh taste made me smile and stop

Each bright green pea
Had my full attention
It felt like a pea-pod meditation

I must do this more often
Select the ‘slow’ way
It’s far more enjoyable, any day!

Angry In The Right Way?

2011-08-13T09:47:00.000-04:00

Aristotle said “Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – this is not easy.” There’s plenty of proof in today’s world of this ancient wisdom! Certainly anger was one dominant emotion seething through the streets of London recently – both amongst rioters and victims. But there were other emotions too, emotions that we don’t understand quite as well as we understand the anger of the disenfranchised; emotions like recklessness, cold, callous indifference, and the out-and-out ‘f—you’ emotion, that was clearly driving so many of the rioters. One can debate and analyze where these feelings come from and there are doubtless a few different opinions out there. Personally, I would love to see more discussions about the societal causes underlying the complete lack of empathy and compassion in such a large amount of young people, and what, if anything, we can do about it. However, I am prevented from even going there because I know that empathy is just one of a series of key ingredient in what we call emotional intelligence, which brings me to the one thing that WAS clear in these riots, and which needs no discussion or analysis, and that is the complete and utter lack of emotional intelligence in the rioters.
Emotional intelligence or EI has been the subject of much research in the last couple of decades, and we now know enough about its significance and consequences that we are integrating into our schools and parenting - or at least many are attempting to, (and if we aren’t we should be!)
Where we often go wrong with developing emotional intelligence is that we start from the wrong end; we want to develop social conscience and empathy before we do anything else, and much of the current political rhetoric about these riots may unfortunately increase this misdirection. But the human psyche doesn’t work that way, especially in our complicated society where we are so highly stimulated. We have to start at ground level –by first teaching our children (and ourselves!) to recognize emotions. No one can be expected to manage their emotions when they only become aware of them after being consumed by them! Only when we can identify emotions as they surface, can we begin to understand them, distinguish the emotions that serve us from those that don’t, and begin the (arduous for some), process of learning to regulate or manage them and express them more appropriately. In that process, if we stick with it, qualities like empathy and social conscience can really develop, and maybe eventually even the increasingly lacking ability for delay gratification!
There is no short-cut to developing these qualities – they won’t happen by blaming & shaming, or even by punishing (although I do recognize the importance of such measures). Empathy, care, compassion and social conscience will only develop when we pay attention to the emotions that drive all behaviour, not in a touchy-feely way, not by mollycoddling anyone, but by acknowledging the significance and power of human emotions and integrating the building of emotional skills and EI in our education and society in developmental and structured ways. In my humble opinion, we need to get onto it.
The good news? When someone experiences the benefits that come with increasing EI, - the heightened sense of self-confidence; the improved relationships; the increased creativity and accomplishment of goals; the frequent ‘feel-good-for-no-reason’ moments; etc. etc. (the list goes on) – the motivation to continue the process of mastering ones emotions becomes almost organic. Even channeling anger to express it in ways that are constructive and do not damage others, grows easier and easier - ever increasing the chances of ‘being angry in the right way’.
But as I said, there’s no short cut.
(As you can tell by this Blog post, the concept of 'short' eludes me today!)

Your Butterfly Effect?

2011-08-03T13:58:00.001-04:00

The concept that the fluttering of a butterfly’s wings can impact wind and weather many miles away can be a great metaphor for us humans and our emotions! Personally, I know that a relatively small change in my internal state can make a difference to every other person I meet, am around, and even family in faraway places. It may be explained by the whole electromagnetic field theory, as our ‘field’ and its quality is regulated by our emotions, in other words what you are feeling at any given time will be sent out in electrical signals that one can’t necessarily see or hear but that can be felt, (you know, that walking-into-a-room-and-just-knowing-something-is-off thing!) Then of course there’s also the way we impact our surroundings with the way we act, our words, etc. Ahhh – the mind boggles, this metaphor could develop into a mutli-layered story!! (Can you 'feel' my overwhelm? )

So, what’s your butterfly effect?

Our Parents Were Right!

2011-07-20T09:08:00.000-04:00

We have so many simple, innate ways to combat stress and to function more happily and effectively - innate as in we already know how – we are designed - to do it. Unfortunately, when we don’t heed our own ‘knowing’ the opposite effect is often the result; i.e. more stress!
Take posture for example. We know that good posture makes us feel better and look better. But did you know that slouching makes you more sensitive to aches and discomfort?
Many of us growing up had parents who would tell us to stand up straight. For me this meant that, between my parents and regular ballet classes, I eventually realized that I actually felt better when I opened my chest and pulled up or stretched the spine. To this day, it seems to have the same effect as smiling does, releasing ‘feel-good’ hormones into the blood stream. I can almost always feel the difference, practically immediately!
Now, several scientific studies (from the universities of Toronto and Southern California) have shown that good posture not only feels good but also increases tolerance to pain! Conversely, slouching has the opposite effect, making us less pain tolerant. In other words, standing up straight actually toughens you up. Who knew?! I am forever amazed at the amount of natural resources we have, already contained within our own bodies!

Another Side to Positive Psychology?

2011-06-25T08:02:00.000-04:00

A negative side to positive psychology? Could it be? Methinks so. Although a great believer in the power of positivity, (emotionally & mentally), I have always questioned positive psychology as a blanket approach – it doesn’t quite embrace the whole human experience and, I have found, can often cause both frustration and resentment. Imagine then my appreciation when I read not just one, but two recent studies showing a revised perspective!
One study (at the University of Washington) addressed one of my favourite topics: culture. Emotions have a different meaning for people from different cultures, as for example in Asian cultures where a balance of positive and negative emotions is aspired to, (rather than in our Western cultures where we desire a maximum of positive emotions). This particular study compared stress levels, symptoms of depression, and the emotional experiences of Asians, Asian-Americans and European Americans. The findings? That more positive emotions were linked to less symptoms of depression for the two American groups, but NOT for Asians.
The other study (at the University of Warwick, UK & published in the 'Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization') looked at how other people's happiness affects us. The data showed that in countries where the well-being was recorded as higher levels than average, the suicide rate was also higher. The researchers concluded that “Discontented people in happy places may feel harshly treated by life. Those dark contrasts may in turn increase the risk of suicide.”
Wow! There’s some food for thought and discussion!!!

One Thing I Now Know For Sure!

2011-06-09T12:48:00.002-04:00

I am fortunate in that the men in my family are mostly quite pc in their attitude to women – with one exception; when it comes to drivers, I don’t know why, but jokes about female drivers still seem to amuse, especially when stuck in traffic. However, a new study is giving me the last laugh! It turns out that men are more inconsistent and dangerous on the roads than women! Why? Because men become seven times more stressed when caught in traffic than women (I repeat, 7 times!) In this most recent study which tested levels of stress hormones in saliva on volunteers stuck in traffic, the levels for women went up by just over 8% while the men’s levels shot up by an alarming 60%! Having got over the shock of this information, I realize however that it is quite understandable considering other studies that have shown us that the male brain responds to stress overwhelmingly with the ‘fight-or-flight-response’, whereas women have more varied stress-responses (including ‘tend-and-befriend’). In this particular study it was found that women handled traffic better by doing simple things like playing music on the radio or CD player, and singing along with it. Ahhhhh – I’ve always known that singing one’s lungs out in the car had a higher purpose! Now I know for sure!

More Resources!

2011-05-31T14:31:00.001-04:00

According to research, people who have a daily practice of feeling appreciation and gratitude, sleep better than others, have lower blood pressure, are more likely to accomplish goals, and are more likely to practice self-care - including exercising - on a regular basis. Maybe you know all this because, like many of us, you have experienced it personally? However, did you know that the practice of feeling gratitude also improves longevity, by up to 9 years?! In other words, if you ensure that you FEEL appreciation every single day, you are likely to live up to 9 years longer than you otherwise would!
Some facilitators are just brimming over with information like this, resources and articles that offer lots of delicious data we can add to our library of supportive and validating knowledge. One of these people is Linda Graham, whose articles you can peruse at http://lindagraham-mft.com/resources/published-articles/
Lots of very interesting stuff, on everything from self-care to the neuroscience of resilience. Check it out!

'I Need To Blog!'

2011-05-23T12:20:00.000-04:00

“If we don’t teach our children to be alone, they will always be lonely.” This was one of those statements that, when Sociologist Sherry Turkle uttered it, I thought I could have said that! Turkle’s symposium talk offered more of the same …. glimpses of the obvious, but nevertheless insights and observations of great significance that most of us, unfortunately, seem to be ignoring or just not ‘getting’.
In this particular statement, Turkle was referring to a conclusion from her research on technology and relationships - research which has given her data showing our increased dependency on social media, and its adverse affect on our relationship skills. And she is not just talking about youngsters, but parents – all of us - too.
We parents and adults are examples to our children not only in our demonstration of how to use for instance texting, but in our relationship with our children when we text while they are talking to us, use the cell phone while we are eating together, text during a family movie, or while we’re assisting with homework, etc. etc. etc. Long story short, the phone and social media are losing their previously proportionate place in our lives, as we now increasingly have the need to ‘connect’ every few minutes. The technological advances that have given us so much freedom and other value are now also beginning to ‘take over’ in unhealthy ways. Turkle is not against technology or social media per se, she just advocates putting it in proper perspective. I second that, adding that this might mean just being more mindful about how we use it...............
How do we know when it’s NOT mindful, when it’s unhealthy? In the interest of ‘keeping it brief’ I again refer to Ms Turkle, who clarified by concluding that we – and our children – used to have thoughts such as, ‘I feel …..(fill in the space) so I want to make a call.” Now however, we are more likely to be driven by the (often unconscious) thought; “I want to feel ……, I need to text.” (Not quite as healthy, I think.)
On hearing her conclusion, I had the thought, “I feel she’s right – I need to Blog.”
Trying to be mindful however, I got my priorities in order, completed my move to the UK(!), and now I'm blogging again :-)
Thanks for your patience!!!

10 - yes 10 - Habits of REALLY Emotionally Intelligent People

2011-05-04T16:35:00.001-04:00

I can't believe how much more it takes to whittle down to blog-size the many speakers' wonderful work - as promised - than I thought! (What with everything else going on….) So here, in the meantime and by popular demand (truly:-), is my list of 10 Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People (yes, I claim 10 – not 7!)

Emotionally intelligent people
1.    Label feelings rather than people, making a distinction between what they think and what they feel.
2.    Own (take responsibility for) their own feelings and emotional reality. (Check in your body; where & what are your feelings?) Do not stuff or negate their emotions.
3.    Acknowledge when their negative emotions aren’t serving them & others and self-regulate to problem-solve whatever is causing the emotion, (use tension release processes and your breathing).
4.    Look for learning and growth in their negative emotions.
5.    Self-regulate to change unhelpful emotions into energized states (i.e. anger can become passion or drive to take action).
6.    Are respectful towards and validate other people’s feelings, regardless of what they think of them AND regardless of their age.
7.    Place their own agenda aside in order to step into someone else’s shoes, applying the resulting empathy, by communicating it or otherwise supporting the other person.
8.    Do not play the blame game (or send someone on a guilt-trip!)
9.    Limit judgment and criticism (aim for eliminating both) of others, and honor everyone’s unique path and emotional reality.
10.    Do not try to control or change others. (It ain’t possible.)

Visualization in Main-Stream!

2011-04-20T12:37:00.000-04:00

What a delight it was to be at a conference with 3,000 other counselors & coaches and to experience that all the terrific information that’s been available but considered ‘out there’ for twenty something years is now being explored and accepted by ‘main-stream’. Maybe it’s due to all the great neuro-science of recent years ‘proving’ things we intuitively knew about the human brain and mind; maybe it’s the many experiences of practitioners who’ve tried ‘new’ things reaching a tipping point; or maybe it’s just TIME! Regardless, I love it! Especially coming across talk of guided imagery in an array of settings, from events entitled ‘Dancing with the Brain’ to ‘Neuro-science and Self-Care’, and workshops where guided visualizations were being given in profusion! We always knew the conscious use of imagery works for everything from well-being to healing, to manifesting to taking charge of stress & emotions. But it seems, now we know it works!

Braving New Worlds - in DC!

2011-03-28T16:27:00.000-04:00

I spent the last 5 days in Washington DC - but all I got to see of it was from my taxi, to and from the airport. Pathetic, you might think. Well yes, I cannot disagree - but to my defense, I was busy attending a Psychotherapy conference with 3000 other professionals in the field, which would distract anybody from sightseeing, don't you think? Although many of us attendees were also coaches or 'just' counselors, it all falls under the heading of mental health - in the true sense of the word!
The theme of this years symposium was as relevant as it could possibly be – Braving New Worlds! Translated to 'normal speak' this means addressing what it takes to try helping people within what some would call a ‘touchy-feely’ area of life, emotional health and well being, while trying to navigate the new emotionless world of technology, which contains seemingly endless tools and information to enhance our various practices and help our clients more, but which puzzles coaches and therapists more than any complex client possibly could!
In addition, the fascinating field of brain science was also heavily represented, making its way into many, many presentations. This field is making so many significant discoveries, finding ever new facts about what makes us tick, that anyone who has an interest in understanding human nature and how to make life and relationships better, coach or counselor aside, should be paying attention!
I’ll be blogging about specifics in the next few weeks, but in the meantime, check out these few websites of exceptional people doing exceptional work!
http://www.gottman.com/ - John Gottman and his wife Jane Gottman have performed the most extensive studies on relationships done anywhere. Their site has heaps of books and tools on both relationships and parenting!
http://drlouann.ning.com/ Louann Brizendine’s books on the female and male brain can be most illuminating(!), sometimes surprising, and frequently SO helpful!
http://www.alonetogetherbook.com/ Sherry Turkel’s book is the result of her 15 year study into technology and it’s effects on us all. Originally an optimistic advocate of all things techy, Turkel now has deep concerns about our increasing use of digital gadgets and how it is affecting our relationships with each other. A must-read!
And while you're checking them out, enjoy this cherry blossom photo I managed to get on my phone!

Deep Breaths Not Always Enough!

2011-03-11T15:58:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, the stress, worry and anxiety in life are such that a few deep breaths just aren’t enough to help! Occasionally, a few deep breaths may clear up the brain and relax us temporarily, but after getting back to our activity or work, we find ourselves right back in the anxiety-ridden thoughts! Whenever this happens, to me, I always find it helpful to immediately take 5 minutes and do a full body relaxation – it can save hours of time otherwise wasted with fretting and lack of productivity.
We just uploaded a new Full-Body Relaxation (go to The Zone from our Homepage). Check it out – you may find it helpful!
http://www.thebeingeffect.com/

A Child Advocate's Urge

2011-02-24T18:51:00.001-05:00

As an advocate for children for my entire adult life (well, probably for my entire life!) I have always loved the poem, An Urgent Note To My Parents. Occasionally I feel an ‘urge-to-share’ coming on, -and I’m feeling it now- so just in case you haven’t read that poem, here it is! Enjoy.

An Urgent Note To My Parents

Don’t ask me to do what I can’t do

Only ask me to do what I can

Don’t ask me to be what I can’t be

Only ask me to be what I am

Don’t one minute say “Be a big girl!”

And the next “You’re too little for that!”

PLEASE don’t ask me to be where I can’t be

PLEASE be happy with right where I’m at.

Hiawyn Oram

Less and More

2011-02-15T13:35:00.000-05:00

Clearing out clutter over the weekend, I came across an old scrapbook with a wonderful list of Health Rules I had copied from a book of Japanese sayings (in English, of course!) It epitomizes the de-cluttering mode I was (and am) in – a prefect ‘pin-up’ for my fridge! Here we go:

Less meat - More vegetables
Less salt - More vinegar
Less sugar - More fruit
Less eating - More chewing
Less clothing- More bathing
Less talk - More deeds
Less greed - More giving
Less worry - More sleep
Less riding - More walking
Less anger - More smiles

Happy day!!!

One Great AHA Moment

2011-02-07T14:18:00.002-05:00

The father of a friend recently had a heart attack and was told to stop smoking – immediately! ‘Cold turkey!’ That’s not easy. I know, because I did it myself once and though it’s more than twenty years ago, I remember it very well!
The hardest thing about no longer smoking was the ‘foggy brain’ I got; the clarity of mind I had felt when I smoked, seemed to elude me without. That is, until I happily discovered that when I took a deep breath in, followed by a lengthy exhale, it didn’t matter that there was no nicotine filling my lungs, the much needed clarity of mind followed swiftly thereafter! Turned out, it was as much the deep breathing that had made me feel calm and focused as anything! What an aha moment!
I often wonder how many smokers are aware of this, of the significance of the inhale and exhale, of just the breath? Over the years, as I’ve shared this information with clients, many have used the knowledge to quit smoking very successfully. Most recently, one told me; ‘Whenever I feel the need for a cigarette, I just take a deep breath in, exhale in the same way I would have with a cigarette, and keep doing it until the craving goes away. It usually only takes three breaths!” Deep breathing, it seems, is good for more than ‘merely’ managing stress and emotions (although some would say managing a craving, is just managing another emotion.)
(PS: I hear my friend's father is managing well. I wonder if he's used the breathing thing?)

Got Perseverance?

2011-01-27T17:00:00.000-05:00

‘The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground.’ ~ I’m not sure who said this, but it’s certainly something that cannot be recalled often enough – by me at least! Holding my ground, or ‘stick-to-it-iveness’, requires me to manage those emotions that want to pull me off track, distract me with other tasks undone including all that ‘must-do’ social media! I find the act of persevering sometimes needs some help, and a few deep, long breaths can be just the ticket – especially if they’re followed by a big smile. Really. This is not a Pollyanna suggestion, it really does help! Smiling activates some of those 'feel-good' endorphins that make our brains work better, more creatively, making sticking to something easier and more likely! Oh, there’s a great story about perseverance that also addresses self-acceptance called The Young Oak Tree. That story is on our Member Zone page. Check it out!

Don't Worry, 'Send' Happy!

2011-01-15T22:29:00.001-05:00

Do you ever have the experience that your child, or someone you love, is having difficulty with something and you are not in a position to help out? Rather than allowing yourself to worry, take a moment to be still and bring your focus into yourself, your own body and breathing. Slow it down.

Tune into the love you feel - for your child or whomever the concern is about – FEEL IT …. And ‘send’ it to him or her. Imagine it beaming out from your heart to his/hers and back at you. Imagine how good it makes her/him feel and allow yourself to enjoy this :-)))))))))

You don’t need to do this merely when your child (or whoever) is having a problem; you can do it on a regular basis, as a means to give support … and see if you can monitor the effect it has & whether it makes a difference to your relationship……
Personally, I always find it makes a difference. I would love to hear about your experiences …….

A Short Story

2011-01-11T15:55:00.000-05:00

There’s a story from the Cherokee tradition about a grandfather who tells his grandchild that he has a fight going on inside himself; it’s between two wolves. “One wolf is angry, envious, greedy, mean, arrogant, resentful, self-pitying, deceitful, and has a huge ego,” the grandfather explains. “The other wolf is peaceful, loving, kind, compassionate, joyful, generous, trustworthy, honorable, and humble.”
The child looks at him and ponders a while, then finally asks; “Which wolf wins?”
The grandfather smiles and responds, “The one I feed.”

New Year Tips

2011-01-04T14:22:00.001-05:00

Days into another January, most of us have made our new year’s resolutions – that is if we are going to! And every article I read about it asks: 'How do we keep ‘em?'
The Heath brothers (authors of SWITCH), have come up with five great tips; my favourite one is ‘watch for the bright spots.’
I always find it helpful to ‘habituate what works.’ In other words, don’t focus on when you slip up, eat that cake or procrastinate again(!) – focus instead on the step you did take, the smaller slice of cake you ate or whatever you have done today that worked. Pat yourself on the back for that, then do more of it! Works for me! (Note to self: Remember this!!)
To read more of the Heath brothers’ tips go to this article http://bit.ly/hQwtQk
Wishing you all a year filled with health, happiness, peace, prosperity, and FUN!

Let's take charge!

2010-12-27T23:03:00.003-05:00

‘It’s not bad parenting that’s the problem,' says Dr Gabor Mate, 'it’s stressed parents.’
Dr Mate claims this and many other very helpful findings, in several interviews and in his 3 best-selling books. And he’s not alone. Countless research studies have – over more than half a century – shown the connection between stress and disease, stress and dysfunctional behaviour, stress and lack of productivity, and now parental stress and ADHD in children. When are we going to start paying attention? Start applying some of all these great findings? Findings that, when applied, empower us and actually give us back control of our lives....................Maybe this coming New Year? (I wonder, ever hopeful.)
Watch Dr Gabor. He may inspire another kind of New Year’s resolution!
http://www.democracynow.org/2010/12/24/dr_gabor_mat_on_the_stress

Wishing You a StressLess Holiday

2010-12-21T12:51:00.021-05:00

Rounding up this little series of postings with tips for our somewhat unsettling times, - and just in time for the holidays - some tips for the management of stress ….
Again, equally useful for any age, person, group or situation you might be 'managing'!!!!

Self-awareness – are you communicating, behaving, thinking, feeling the way you want your family or staff to communicate, behave, think & feel? Do a ‘self-check’ at least 3 times a day.
Coach self-awareness in others - your staff and family. Integrate non-confrontational language that draws people’s attention to themselves. Ie: when you ask someone how they are, stop and listen to the answer. Share a personal anecdote about your own self-awareness such as ‘I was so stressed this morning I didn’t even say hi properly. I do apologize. I should have noticed my shoulders were up under my ears! Do you ever have that happen?’
Practice self-management – stop every so often and stand up, take a deep breath and extend the exhale for as long as you can. Check your neck, jaw & shoulders for tension. Shake it off1 Take another breath and sit down. This need only take 20 seconds! Another 20-second tool was suggested to me by my eye doctor: 20-20-20: every 20 minutes take your eyes away from your work and look out at least 20 feet away (at a tree outside for example), for 20 seconds. Then back to work Either of these 20-second tools will renew your energy, your focus and your creativity.
Practice compassion, for others (no matter what the age), and yourself – self explanatory (I hope!) - For those of you familiar with Maslow’s Pyramid, having one up on the wall can be a helpful reminder.-
Get support for yourself – this can be in the form of coaching, counseling, peer group get-togethers, and self-care strategies such as regular massages, a meditation group, yoga class, or journaling about your day just before bed.

I do love feedback, so as you try these suggestions out, let me know how you fare!
Wishing you a wonderful holiday weekend, and a New Year filled with love, joy, and other pleasant emotions!

Change!

2010-12-13T16:36:00.001-05:00

As promised, further suggestions around motivation that I have found work really well - this time specifically around managing change - and we seem to be seeing a lot of that lately! Anyone who is uncomfortable with change or uncertainty is being challenged right now, so if that's you or anyone in your life - hopefully these ideas will help.
Parents & teachers will find them easy to adapt to kids & families!

Define goals – Are your goals clearly enough defined? They may be in your head, but are they to your people or family? (Agenda Free Listening can help you discover this :-)
2 Levels of planning – are you only using your head (in a semi-adrenaline induced state) to problem solve? When you’ve finished ‘brain-storming’ for ideas, engage or recall a positive emotion, breathe & get centered. Then try again; use the Spider-Map (or mind-mapping) technique, to help access your right brain capacities.
Habituate the positive – Take time to reflect on - write it down - what works and what doesn’t, then make a habit of doing what works!
Use a Decision Making Process – All 4 steps (in the following process) are equally necessary:
A) Identify where you want to be
B) Identify where you are
C) Create a practical plan for how you’ll get from A to B
D) Do it!
Communicate – with peers and employees, (or family members) about any or all that you've arrived at from the above points EVERY DAY.

Next posting – some tips on effective stress management, my favorite subject!

Motivating Others

2010-12-06T12:36:00.000-05:00

Last posting - having dissed carrots & sticks - I promised to share some alternative suggestions for motivating others. Here are some suggestions that I’ve found work really well, especially during times of stress, (and there seems to be no shortage of that nowadays!)
These ideas are just as readily applied to managing kids!

Self-Management – Ensure you yourself are internally managed enough that you can put your own agenda or views aside and ‘tune in’ to others’ stress.
Find the feeling – How bad is the stress or lack of motivation? Are people scared, frustrated, resentful, apathetic? Their behavior and motivation will be different for each of these different emotions. Try to check in whether your perception is correct, then tailor your response accordingly.
AFL – (Agenda Free Listening). Those of you who are familiar with this technique, practice, practice, practice! This is powerful stuff! (If you’re not familiar with it, feel free to contact me and I’ll send you more information.)
Appreciate effort, sincerely! – Voice appreciation for all effort, no matter how successful (or not) the result of that effort. Make sure you really mean it, though. (Appreciation that isn't authentic can feel condescending and create mistrust.)
Facilitate the feeling –Focus on creating a positive, feel-good environment to help everyone get into an internal state where their brains are switched on and they can function creatively.
Empowerment – Allow space & time for problem-solving – give people/kids time and the autonomy to come up with creative solutions that your business or family can implement. Believe me, autonomy can work wonders - at any age!

Let me know how these work for you........
Next posting I think I’ll share some ideas for Change Management……

Understand Motivation?

2010-11-30T16:00:00.000-05:00

A few months ago I strongly recommended a book titled DRIVE by Daniel Pink. The whole idea of what motivates us has been redefined both in this book and elsewhere – we now know for sure after countless research studies and a plethora of articles and books on the subject, that ‘carrots ands sticks’ are not the effective motivators we thought they were! Back in 1993, in PUNISHED BY REWARDS, Alfie Kohn wrote about the same subject – but still to this day, many are so programmed in old beliefs it appears to be very difficult to get out of the habit of ‘carrots & sticks’ thinking, as difficult in fact as quitting smoking or any other addiction, if the general US corporate culture is anything to go by. During the last two years or so, I have been dismayed to witness, time and time again, the lack of understanding corporate heads & management seem to have for human nature and how to motivate their people – one would think in our challenging times understanding how to motivate employees would be more important than ever! Some would even say it’s just common sense! But instead, using the current crisis to exacerbate fear and uncertainty – I overheard one exec. saying to a colleague about his team, ‘the uncertainty keeps ‘em on their toes, it’s good for 'em.” – has become the norm, with no consideration for the emotional psychological impact of on-going, long-term stress on job-performance or productivity. What does this lack of understanding say about the intelligence of these leaders – never mind their emotional intelligence? Surely this is contributing to the downward spiral and increasing failure of businesses? Maybe we should re-look at how we promote people, the qualities we look for and the training we give (or not) to anyone that’s required to manage others? I’m only asking…………..

In my next posting I’ll be offering up some suggestions for motivating people that you may not be familiar with ….. watch this space!

Indulging

2010-11-09T13:13:00.000-05:00

A small silver tea-strainer is balanced gently on the delicate teacup, pale blue china on a dusty pink saucer. A slightly stained silver teapot follows, boiling hot to the touch, then a tiny silver milk-jug filled to the brim. They are all arranged carefully on the table in front of me, leaving space in the center for the main indulgence; two hot fruit scones, with Devonshire clotted cream and homemade strawberry jam. Ahh what bliss! Afternoon tea at Fortnum & Masons. The scone crumbles slightly but perfectly as I bite into it, and my tastebuds burst into action with the mixture of cream, jam and raisins swirling around in my mouth. Four bites later and one small scone is devoured, washed down with sips of hot, strong Earl Grey tea. This is my favourite indulgence when in London. These days especially, with all the dire news around us!! I always believed that when the going gets a bit tough, we should indulge in a treat. There is no time when a treat –or indulging in whatever makes us feel a little pampered- is more needed than when we imagine we can’t afford it or don’t have the time. To paraphrase a favourite saying “When the going gets tough, the tough take cream tea.”
What’s your indulgence?

New Website 'Member Zone'

2010-11-04T08:23:00.001-04:00

Today I am uncontainably (is that a word? If not, it should be), excited about our new Member Zone. It’s free and its purpose is to share guided visualizations, meditations and stories by audio to help you relax, re-focus, recharge, release tension, etc. etc. Right now there are seven completely different audios – including for children! Having seen how powerful visualizations can be for children (as well as adults) over the many years I have worked with this wonderful tool with children, finally being able to share this on the internet is especially delightful to me. We aim to add new ones on a regular basis – eventually we’ll have hundreds!! Check it out!

More About Purpose

2010-10-25T19:12:00.000-04:00

Last week I wrote about the importance of feeling a sense of purpose and meaning on health. I’ve been seeing evidence of it ever since, most recently (and curiously) in a newspaper article about lottery winners! Apparently a very large percentage of people who win large sums of money, quit their work only to end up bored with no sense of purpose. They invariably become depressed, often taking up excessive drinking or drug abuse, some even dying as a result. One man who had won millions, ended up approaching people he saw buying lottery tickets to warn them that winning could ruin their lives! (Shortly afterwards he died from alcohol abuse).
Brings to mind that saying: Be careful what you set your heart upon – for it will surely be yours.

Health & Well-Being

2010-10-15T11:58:00.000-04:00

I attended the Health & Well-Being Conference in London yesterday. A long and very interesting day! One speaker quoted the late psychologist A. Antonovsky, who wrote that health is not the absence of sickness but the maintaining of a sense of coherence. Coherence he defined as feeling that your life is ‘comprehensible, manageable, and meaningful’. It made me think of how significant having a sense of meaning & purpose is to a healthy self-image, not to mention the whole emotional intelligence agenda! These days, as the economy continues to adversely impact so many of us, I know it’s easy to loose track of. Ironically however, if we can stay focused on pursuing whatever gives us that sense of purpose, the survival issues will tend to work themselves out. I find myself challenging myself even further these days – not only do I want to feel a sense of meaning & purpose, I want my heart to feel alive and feel that light switching on in my eyes – 24/7 if possible!

The Female Stress Response

2010-09-29T17:30:00.000-04:00

A couple of months ago I wrote about men and women taking stress in different parts of the body. Well as it turns out, that's not the only difference when it comes to stress; women and men actually experience stress quite differently. Recent research shows that while men are typically inclined to the ‘Fight-or-Flight’ response to stress, women are more inclined to have a ‘Tend-&-Befriend’ response. In other words, rather than becoming angry or defensive and feeling the need to strike out or ‘go off’, women are more likely to feel emotional and want to seek out someone to talk to. So rather than give you the typical advice to ‘take 3 breaths’ or ‘punch a punching bag’ for the equally typical ‘Fight/Flight’ reaction, here’s one just for the female ‘Tend & Befriend’ response!
Next time you feel an unexplained urge to talk to someone, stop for a moment and check whether it’s in response to stress. If you determine that it is, then use this knowledge about yourself to make 3 choices:

Choose who you talk to, with careful consideration
Choose your words mindfully, so they becomes a constructive stress-relieving process, rather than a 'whine & complain' session.
Choose to move on to something positive afterwards, even if it’s just having tea in a favorite cup, reading something funny, or buying a new cologne!

An Inspiration to Practice

2010-09-20T15:21:00.001-04:00

Having just seen the beautifully inspiring movie Mao’s Last Dancer, I feel an analogy coming on! I am irresistibly drawn to make the comparison between dance training and (of course :-) emotional mastery practice. As dancers train their bodies daily to build the strength and control they need in order to execute their movements with the desired ease, we can train our minds and bodies to generate positive feelings, feelings of appreciation, joy and love. Doing this for our own growth and stress management, we also build the strength to generate the feelings easily and quickly when we need them to help or relate to others. I recall my days (too, too long ago!) as a dancer and teacher of dance, and the self-discipline required to achieve even the basic skills - the enthusiasm I felt before any success was achieved helps put the practice of emotional mastery in easy perspective – like building any muscle, it requires enthusiastic, repetitive practice!
Some people identify more with the analogy of a savings account in the bank; practicing generating positive emotional states is like putting money in the bank; after a while, when you need to call on it (or you need ‘funds’), you have it there to draw on, rather than draining the overdraft!
Whichever way we see it however, whether it's as daily practices or daily investments, such frequent attention can only lead to good results. Mao's Last Dancer is just a particularly beautiful example!
www.maoslastdancer-movie.com

Differences

2010-09-13T12:26:00.000-04:00

Autumn always reminds me of that game with leaves. You know, the one where we all go out to a tree that’s losing it’s leaves, and choose a fallen leaf each. Then we each examine our leaf thoroughly, we smell it and we feel it. Then we all put our leaves in a big pile of leaves and toss them about. Then we try to find ‘our’ leaf. The process of identifying that one leaf always creates such a lovely opportunity for discussion about uniqueness and differences within a species – within any part of creation - that even though we are not exactly the same, we are all special and significant each in our own way. And as someone once said 'differences challenge assumptions'. Timely right now, I feel.

The Handwriting On The Wall

2010-09-04T12:16:00.000-04:00

A weary mother returned from the store
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door
Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
Eager to relate what his younger brother had done
“While I was out playing and Dad was on call
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It’s on the new paper you just hung in the den,
I told him you’d be mad at having to do it again.” 
She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,
“Where is your little brother right now?”
She emptied her arms and with purposeful stride,
She went to his closet where he’d gone to hide.
She called his full name and she entered his room,
He trembled with fear – he knew this meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved,
About the costly wall paper and how she’d saved.
Lamenting the work it would take to repair,
She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!
She headed for the den to confirm her fears,
She saw the wall and her eyes filled with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul like a dart,
It said “I love Mommy”, surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she had found it,
With an empty picture frame to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.
Unknown author

Who Has Time for Reflection!

2010-08-29T10:13:00.000-04:00

Enjoying my foamy cappuccino at the local café, I watched a young child in her stroller being completely ignored by the adults she was with, who were both talking at such a rate you’d think they hadn’t had a grown-up conversation in months. You might also think the toddler would complain, but no, she was content to contemplate her world. First her toes, then her fingers, then the parasol tassels fluttering gently above her, then back to her toes, before gazing, at length, at the bird hopping around the table in search of a stray croissant crumb. I couldn’t help but enjoy her quietly reflective spirit and like most young children, her ability for natural contemplation.
Adults and older children are usually busy and involved in ‘doing’ or anticipating, or being stimulated by activity, and, (as was perfectly demonstrated before my eyes), will tend to sweep any dreamy toddler away from a savoring moment with a “Come on, we’ve got to hurry!” or “Stop daydreaming!” or “We haven’t got time!”
Stillness, time for refection, contemplation, just BEING in the moment, is for most people largely absent and not something we tend to prioritize in our day-today lives. Yet it is a very basic need if we are to effectively handle the stress, uncertainties and over-stimulation of today’s world. What a conundrum – no time to implement the one thing that would help us to handle our perpetual ‘no time’!
Maybe what we really need to do is turn to our little ones for examples and inspiration and reminders to take a moment for contemplation, reflection, even awe and wonder at the moment we are in. Maybe then we will have the experience of making more sense of it!

Finding Wisdom.

2010-08-23T13:17:00.000-04:00

A Japanese master received an eminent university professor who came to inquire about wisdom. The master served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he could no longer restrain himself. ‘It is overfull. No more will go in!’
‘Like this cup,’ the master said, ‘ you are full of your own opinions, speculations, and hypotheses. How can I show you wisdom unless you first empty your cup?’

I love this story - such a good reminder of how ‘knowing what we know’ can interfere with our opportunities for learning, and so finding wisdom. It also makes me think of a study I once read about judgment; feeling judgmental is apparently one of the most insidious emotions we can have and the hardest to shift. The best counter-feeling? Appreciation – of what is!
Lovely. I am just now appreciating a nice cup of tea .................

Lesson Learned?

2010-08-17T18:08:00.000-04:00

What is there to learn from falling? I mean literally, physically falling – and breaking something, like ones arm. This thought flashed through my mind as I went diving downhill, having stumbled in some loose paving (photo). Even before I had fully landed on my poor left forearm, my mind was focused on one thing other than the landing; what am I supposed to learn from this fall?
Well, ten days, two broken bones, one surgery, unlimited excruciating pain and a course of antibiotics riddled with side effects later, I think I know the answer: Rest and focus. Or should I say rest SO I can focus. Although this concept is not completely foreign to me(!), now I have had no choice but to implement it.
Interestingly, this ‘answer’ and having no choice but to carry it out, has given me a feeling of peace, (I AM resting more!), and so even with one arm incapacitated by a cast & sling, I am now experiencing being more focused, more creative, and getting more done than before. Amazing! Lesson learned?

Parent Power

2010-08-02T14:25:00.002-04:00

A young boy wakes up in the middle of the night, thirsty and wanting a cuddle. He gets out of bed, opens his bedroom door and slowly tip-toes along the hallway. As he gets to the top of the stairs, he sees a light under his parents’ bedroom door and recognizes urgent whispered voices coming from inside. Thinking of that wished for cuddle, he knocks lightly on the familiar door, pushing it open before anyone has a chance to respond. His mother is standing with her back to him, hands on her hips, facing his father who is seated on the bed, glaring angrily.
Neither parent responds immediately, but the little boy can feel the tension and knows that all is not as it should be. “What’s wrong?” he says, in a sleepy, husky voice.
His mother drops her hands and swings around towards him as his father turns his attention to him with a sudden smile on his face. “Hey son, what are you doing up?”
His mother also has that smile on her face now, as she crouches down to his height. It feels weird.
“I’m thirsty,” he mutters. “What’s wrong?” he asks again before anyone can divert his attention.
“Nothing sweetheart,” replies his mother, with a smile he doesn’t believe. “Let me take you downstairs for a glass of water.”
“Are you fighting?” asks the little boy, undeterred.
“Of course not!” says his father, with an outraged voice. “We never fight!” The boy is sure he has heard them fight, many times. Why is his dad lying?
“Now go with your mother and get that water. You should be asleep, you know!”
“Yes, you should be asleep,” his mother echoes. “Come along now, let’s fetch that water and get you back to bed.”
The little boy goes reluctantly with his mother. He thinks about the cuddle, but is afraid to ask – they’ll probably say no. He feels confused. He doesn’t know why.
After he drinks the water, his mom takes him back to his room. “Don’t worry, honey. There’s nothing wrong. It’s just your imagination. Everything’s fine!” she smiles - that smile. It doesn’t feel fine.
“Go to sleep now, ” she whispers, shutting the door behind her.
He slides down under the covers and lays there in the dark, thinking. He feels an uneasy feeling in his tummy, just like when he is nervous or worried. Why is he feeling this way? He doesn’t like it.
Mom said everything was fine. Moms and Dads are always right, aren’t they? That means he must be wrong. Yes, that’s it! He is wrong about what he feels is happening, about the fighting and tension and weird smiles. He must stop listening to his feelings - then he won’t feel so yukky. “Everything’s fine, I’m wrong, everything’s fine, I’m wrong, everything’s fine……..” he whispers, like a mantra, to himself in the dark.

Many adults recollecting their childhood may remember such an incident, - when they started to disbelieve their own ‘inner knowing’, or intuition, because a parent or other well-intentioned adult told them that they were imagining something that they thought they knew. How about you? If this does resonate, how much work have you had to do, as an adult, to re-connect with your intuition? I know for my part, I cannot count how many hours I spent in workshops, therapy & self-help to get back in touch with and trust my own inner knowing.

Suggestion: Whatever your intention, next time you want to tell a child that he or she is imagining something, STOP, take a breath, and ask yourself if they really are…..

http://aeminc.webnode.com/products/children-believe-everything-you-say

Overwhelmed anyone?

2010-07-26T17:03:00.000-04:00

I love to exercise – Yoga, Pilates, walking, dancing, whatever, and could easily do it every day ….. once I get started! It’s the ‘getting started’ that can be a problem –and what prevents me from getting started is usually overwhelm – with all the other stuff that (I imagine) needs doing. So I prioritize something else that an idea in my mind is telling me is more important. For instance, checking my emails, writing an article, returning a phone call, responding to emails, researching an article, Tweeting, checking messages wherever, cleaning, laundry, running an errand, making another phone call, making tea(!), – all of which may need doing and may be important – however not as priorities before my own health! This is what I need to remember! If I am not healthy and feeling good, then I’m not going to be as effective in my other tasks (including creative ones) as I otherwise would be and I'll likely be even more overwhelmed. So how do I remind myself of that? Looking at this picture will remove any doubt that I need to ‘get started’ – the cuteness factor alone is a feel-good trigger to do more of what makes me feel good, and it’s an obvious reminder to not let overwhelm prevent me from prioritizing what my body needs!

Type-Testing for Better Relationships?

2010-07-20T17:20:00.000-04:00

From Myers-Briggs to Enneagrams, whether it’s a ‘typology indicator’, a personality profile, or an assessment of temperament, we love to use methodologies to categorize people! Used by many career counselors, psychologists, teachers, and employers, they seem to be increasingly popular on the Web, providing entertainment and amusement and at times even helpful information both for understanding oneself and others.
All too often, however – at least in my experience – they end up doing more harm than good. I am aware that this statement may push some buttons, but what the heck, my experience is my experience, and I feel compelled to share it only because I continue to witness the misuse of these ‘assessments’. Because such tests imply quick-and-easy insights into colleagues, peers, partners, and even children, they lead us to believe they will magically make our relationships/ management abilities/collaboration or even parenting much easier and so are too tempting to resist! Unfortunately they are too frequently used to judge or label, forming images of limits to what people must be capable of, restrictions in our ideas about their potential, and often an increase in rigidity around our expectations. The truth of the matter is that we are all much more complicated than such assessments allow, as are our relationships. Aside from the fact that these tests have no convincing validating data to support them, I have never witnessed a relationship that has been improved by them in any significant way.

In fact, you are much more likely to succeed in building a better relationship or helping someone to grow by the simple act of noticing and appreciating the positive qualities you observe in the other person. Rather than reading up on types, taking or giving personality tests, take a moment, on your own, to observe each person, each employee, each colleague, each peer, each child, and ‘play’ a lone game called “Spot The Good Stuff”. Once you have identified good attributes, actions and potential in each person, find a way to share and celebrate all the goodies you identify, celebrate the successes, celebrate the contributions, celebrate all you appreciate. In my humble opinion, “Spot The Good Stuff” is one of the best-kept secrets to successful leadership, parenting and indeed any relationship!

Where's The Stress?!

2010-07-13T13:25:00.001-04:00

A study I once read showed that men feel stress and tension more in the thighs and buttocks, whereas women feel their stress more in the upper bodies! (Maybe this accounts for why men’s butts tend to stay slim as they grow older? All that tension must keep the gluteal muscles nice and taut!)
Seriously, stress- producing emotions, like all emotions, live in our bodies – in every cell! I don’t need research - recent or otherwise - to tell me this; I feel it in my own body. I feel love in my chest, anger in my jaw, worry in my neck, caring in my cheeks, loneliness in my shoulders, and humor in my stomach & collar-bone(!).
Do you know where in your body you feel your various emotions? I am sure you have a rough idea of where you take your stress. In my experience, most people are usually aware of 2 or 3 places. After increasing our self-awareness, we can often quickly notice 30, 40 or more and a whole new dialogue develops, a dialogue that can inform us often long before we otherwise would be conscious of an emotion ‘brewing’ like for example irritation, offering us the opportunity to intervene, take a break and change it. OR if we catch ourselves feeling say appreciation, which could be fleeting, our awareness can allow us to relish it, and extend it to last and benefit us for sometimes hours! The body is an amazing source of information and paying attention to what it is telling us can actually improve our stress- management, our communication skills and even our intelligence – give it a try!!

Self-inflicted Lobotomy

2010-07-03T23:14:00.002-04:00

Whenever I share information about how our feelings affect the way our brain works, someone always has a story to illustrate it, even if they’ve never actually considered it before! One eight-year old, in trouble for throwing a brick at someone, told me that when he got mad his brain “got foggy. But when I bweaved,” he said, referring to an exercise we had just done to help him calm and shift his emotional state, “my brain, like cleared up like, and now I can fink straight!”
Someone once likened what happens to the brain during anger to a ‘self-inflicted lobotomy’ :-))))

BEFORE ANGER/UPSET AFTER ANGER/UPSET

Team-Flow

2010-06-24T18:22:00.000-04:00

I came across this photo in my folder today – it’s from one of our Family Retreat-Days’ (this particular one on Kauai). The game that’s being played in the photo is ‘Family Skiing’ – each family has 2 large skis on which to ski, with a foot strap on each ski for each family member. The smallest straps are at the front, which means the littlest family member has to be at the front ….. and lead! This can be a challenge for the older members of the family, as they all have to move in sync to get the skis to move. Of course, families always want to race other families! As you might imagine, the family with the best ‘team-flow’ usually wins, which means egos, willfulness, and whatever ‘normal’ family dynamics exist, have to shift and be set aside, and flexibility, generosity of spirit and ‘tuning in’ abilities have to be called forth! Ah, the challenges! It can be very difficult for some of us to learn, viscerally, what true collaboration means! We could probably all do with some of that kind of shift on a regular basis, don’t you think?

Emotions Determine What We Think!

2010-06-18T14:11:00.000-04:00

A client of mine, Mike, took his children to an amusement park one weekend. His youngest, four-year-old Kate didn’t remember her previous visit as a baby, so for her it was a completely new experience. The two older boys remembered very well and wanted to go on all kinds of different rides. Kate however, just wanted to go on the rollercoaster, so Mike said he’d go with her. Little did he know the longest wait in the whole park was for the rollercoaster! Mike had many virtues, but patience wasn’t one of them. He absolutely detested standing in line, but he did like to keep his word so they stood in line for a little while. Soon he predictably became impatient and began looking around for something else they could do instead. He tried to persuade Kate that the rollercoaster really was no big deal, but Kate was adamant and they waited some more. Finally Mike started trying to tempt her with other rides and things he knew she liked. Eventually, he became so impatient and irritated he offered her a bribe, something that went totally against his value system and the way he wanted to parent; “If we go on another ride instead,’ he cajoled, “I’ll give you an extra ice-cream!” He was feeling pretty disgusted with himself, but somehow just couldn’t seem to help himself. To add insult to injury, Kate was not having any of it. She turned her little face up to her father and said ‘Dad, I have waited my whole life to go on a rollercoaster, I’m not going to give it up now!’
Mike looked down at his spunky little four-year-old with her tiny hands on her hips, looking up at him as if this was an issue of national importance! At first he just stared at her, incredulously. Then he felt the urge to laugh, and then suddenly, a surge of love for his little girl welled up in him. His feelings instantaneously shifted from annoyance and almost anger to love and laughter. When recapping the story to me, he concluded; “And you know what? After that we could have waited in that line all day and I wouldn’t have cared!”

To read full Article, go to http://bit.ly/cJhQFY

Our Cat

2010-06-10T15:30:00.001-04:00

Back in the days when I was still in showbusiness (my previous career, many moons ago!) we had a cat, Barnum. Barnum knew when I was stressed before I even walked in the door. He would hide under the couch or in the closet up to five minutes before I arrived home.

I eventually decided to learn to manage my stress (leaving showbusiness was a big step!) I began taking proactive measures, like de-stressing on the way home.

After some practice, I learned how to manage my emotional energy – the invisible kind - and I realized what had made Barnum hide….

I discovered I could also make Barnum purr; just by activating a good feeling inside - an 'inner smile', so to speak - not by ‘doing’ anything visible - Amazing! I wondered how else I could be effecting my environment, and the people in my life.... Many lessons later, I am still exploring & discovering.....

A False Assumption

2010-06-02T17:04:00.000-04:00

We are born into this world with an urge to learn, grow and move beyond what we have already attained. This is evident in every toddler, every young child, - until and unless their curiosity is stymied, (by whatever means).

As a species, if we did not have this urge to learn and grow we would die. We need to learn about our environment and how to respond for our very survival; to defend ourselves against danger, to provide sustenance and shelter, to belong and be a part of a family or tribe. The brain is hard-wired to learn and to improve, to build a library of information from which to understand and respond to our world. Yet, it is interesting to observe how adept we as a society are at quelling this curiosity, this natural urge to grow and be better! Why? Because we operate from a basic assumption that children, and indeed adults, are innately lazy and do not naturally want to learn or do better.

As a result, we believe we need to direct, to coerce, to bribe, to threaten and generally to find ways to force learning, know-how, and proficiency. We do it in our schools, by coercing children to learn what we think they should learn, when we think they should learn it, with little or no regard for their intrinsic motivation, unique interests, or individual developmental readiness. We continue to compel and impose our agenda, removing any autonomy they might develop up through the years and into adulthood, as we insist on ‘managing’, often micro-managing employees and others, coercing them with incentives or ‘carrots’ to do what we want them to do – or penalizing them for not, as the case may be. All of this we do because we have this basic assumption; we assume that most human beings are innately lazy, unmotivated and need to be coerced and prodded if any learning or improvement is going to take place.

As I am sure I have in common with many of you, since I was a child, I have known this assumption to be false. And over and over again I have been witness to just how false it is. As those of you who have done my work know, the steps to freedom from this assumption are embedded in there! And now, great news, there is a N.Y.T. Bestseller DRIVE by Dan Pink, that offers the research and anecdotal evidence that prove it! At last, in mainstream publishing we have some really great arguments and a hugely persuasive case for autonomy – and for mastery (yeah!) and purpose (of course!). All completely intertwined with (yes, you guessed it) emotional intelligence. (I know I recommended it a few weeks ago, but it bears repeating.)

Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us If you don’t have time to read the book, at least check out a 15 minute talk by the author: at http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation.html

Enjoy!
Jennifer

Beauty From Within

2010-05-22T14:36:00.000-04:00

“I don’t have time to read any books on emotions,“ a neighbor said to me. “I barely get time to read my magazines and lord knows I need that information just to look half decent!” She was referring of course to beauty or fashion magazines – and it turned out she believed that her looks had nothing to do with her emotions.
I beg, as they say, to differ. In fact I insist: Beauty comes from within. Literally. Feeling good makes you look good – and younger! Conversely, stress makes you look older and less attractive! You, reader, are probably aware of this, but do you consider it as you go about your day?
How do you handle your stress – in the moment?

Try this: Think back to the last time you had an unpleasant feeling or felt a little stress. How did it feel? Allow yourself to re-experience it, just for a few seconds……..
Now look in the mirror. What do you look like?

I know that when I do this, it’s not a pretty sight – so let me suggest you give it up, right now!
Instead, take a deep breath in and as you exhale, let the feeling go – blow it out if necessary! Repeat it, if you like.
Now smile, just physically make the grimace of a smile. Now, try to FEEL the smile, think of something that makes you want to smile, so you really mean it. Enjoy the smile.
Now just relax. Feel better? Look better?
I rest my case.

Next time you feel annoyed or stressed, try this again. You may find you not only look better, but your thinking is clearer too!

Motivation & The Feel Good Factor!

2010-05-04T13:00:00.000-04:00

A great new book I recently came across is Drive by Daniel Pink. He writes about motivation and the ‘carrot-stick’ approach that no longer works for most of us. Why? Because any task that requires initiative, creative thinking or problem solving abilities, requires a different kind of motivation. I believe it’s what we might refer to as the ‘feel-good’ kind of motivation. The part of the brain that is involved in the creative process or in exploring resources and problem solving requires a feeling of safety and being connected to our innate desire to grow, transcend, do better, and be of purpose… and when positive emotions are not engaged, this really doesn’t happen – at least not to the degree to which it is capable! I love it when books come out that (inadvertently or not :-) support the significance of emotional intelligence and the ‘feel-good’ factor.

Blessings in Disguise

2010-04-23T16:36:00.000-04:00

‘An attitude of gratitude’ is a concept I’ve been experiencing the power of first-hand in the last couple of weeks. ‘Stranded’ in the UK by the closure of airspace due to mother nature’s volcanic ash clouds, I find myself able to choose between frustration at not being able to get home and appreciation at being given additional days to do business and see family; between irritation at lost income & added expenses and pleasure at the possibility of laying more groundwork for more work in London; between missing my closest family and the enjoyment of spending more time with dear friends; between annoyance at having no control and relishing the excitement that comes with new opportunities & enjoying synchronicities revealing themselves! And most of all, feeling gratitude for the fact that I could have been stranded somewhere without all this great technology enabling me to communicate with everyone I needed to communicate with! To top it all, the entire week has seen the sun shining brightly all day, every day – in London!!! And with the volcanic ash floating somewhere far above us. Amazing!

How Many People D'You See?

2010-03-16T12:14:00.000-04:00

For some reason – probably related to the current general state of insecurity in the world – an increasing number of my clients have been articulating satisfaction with their ability for self-sufficiency, with their reluctance to ask for help from colleagues, peers, or team members, expressing almost a sense of pride (some almost ‘wear it’ like a badge of honor). It has occurred so frequently that I am compelled to write a few words of elucidation: asking for help is not a bad thing! In fact, I have found quite the opposite, beginning with myself, many, many moons ago! I used to think that asking for help displayed weakness, incompetence; that independence and initiative couldn’t possibly coexist with needing help; and that being able to ‘do it all’ was somehow a sign of strength. How wrong I turned out to be!
We only have to look at any team sport to see how futile this thinking is (one person cannot, obviously, play a team sport) or at all the jokes and comedy sketches where a family has mother doing all the work while dad and the kids sit in front of the TV!
Passing the ball, sharing the load, asking for help, is all a part of the collaborative process. Any team is only as effective as its members’ ability to collaborate and look to each other for support; be that a sports team, a management team or a family ‘team’.
When I really got this concept for the first time, I was a young mother with a seven-year old. Her dad (who was from Trinidad and had that culture’s no-nonsense approach to parenting), one day asked our daughter:
“How many people d’you see in this house?”
She hesitated: “Three….” she tentatively ventured.
“And how many people eat the food in this house?” he continued
“Three,” she responded, looking like she knew she was being led down a path she wasn’t sure she wanted to go.
“How many people cook the food we eat?”
“One – no two,” she corrected herself, remembering that dad sometimes made breakfast.
“Hmmm. And how many people buy the food?”
“Two.” Was her sullen reply.
“How many people do you see wash the dishes, then?” There was no stopping him!
“Two.” She wriggled impatiently.
Her Dad paused for dramatic effect. Finally he said,
“D’you think that’s fair?”
Our daughter looked across at me then back at her Dad, with the look of one who has just gained a new understanding., an ‘aha!’. “No,” she said, shaking her head so her curls bounced around her now slightly more confident expression.
“So, what d’you think we should do ‘bout it?”
There was a pause.
“I can help wash the dishes?” she said with a questioning lilt.
After that, the rest was easy. She had understood that we were a team and we all needed to pitch in, without my husband (or me) ever having to preach this to her. And we never had to, ever! I on the other hand, would continue needing reminders to ask for help, and not think I could do it all (only to become resentful afterwards). The adage about old dogs & new tricks’, definitely applied to me; my daughter was a teenager – and a helpful one at that – before I ‘really ‘got it’!
Nowadays, I still witness clients (and others) struggling with the same issue – and I recognize the feeling, for a feeling it is, an actual emotional need that will only change when we identify it, acknowledge it isn’t serving us, understand and take charge of it, so that we may step up to the task of collaborating, really collaborating! The way our world is heading these days, I don’t believe there is an alternative. In the words of one of my favorite authors, Satish Kumar, “We need to have a declaration of dependence –not independence! We are all dependent on each other,…. and on the earth.” No pun intended, but the days of plowing ahead independently are over!

PS: Recommended read: Satish Kumar’s book “You Are, Therefore I Am.”

Overcast in Paradise

2010-03-01T14:41:00.003-05:00

I used to be a proponent of long vacations. I still am - but recently I gained a new appreciation for short getaways! The island we visited for 3 days was beautiful but the weather was, admittedly, not! Windy, overcast, sometimes rainy, even chilly. We could have been annoyed – we had such little time! However, we chose to take advantage of what we were given. Wind was good for sailing! – we borrowed a small catamaran and went for a sail! The waves soaked us, continuously, but hey, what a problem! I wasn’t about to complain! The water was bright turquoise for goodness sake!
An overcast day was good for a walk, exploring and stopping for fresh bread at a local bakery, a coffee at a sidewalk café, and a delectable lunch in the not-really-needed shade of a palm tree and a parasol…………
The last rainy day could be good for driving around the island ---- if it was beautiful in the rain, imagine what it would be like when the sun came out! Intermittently, we were able to stop the wind-shield-wipers and open the windows, enjoying the most peacefully serene picturesque views – not merely ‘easy on the eye’ but veritable ‘scenic candy ‘!
Nights being lulled to sleep by crashing waves were only matched by waking to the knowledge that we were still on a paradise island. Freshly caught seafood by the beach concluded the blissful holiday – blissful because we chose it to be so, having learned at last that true joy and pleasure comes solely from our own perception of life – the ‘inner view’.

Conflict Anyone?

2010-02-15T14:15:00.002-05:00

The last thing anyone wants at work – or at home - these days is conflict. Not that I’m implying we would want it at any other time! It’s just that our reality right now seems more unpredictable, uncertain and unfamiliar than any time before, which tends to result in us more readily slipping into survival mode. While this will in turn tend to make us more likely to be emotionally defensive and/or aggressive, it will also bring on more angst and uneasiness, making us less willing to make waves, and so prone to being both risk averse and conflict aversive. This is a cycle that, while natural and understandable, may not serve us in the long run!

We don’t necessarily need studies to demonstrate this, but they can help, and many studies, (most recently an Organizational Psychology study), have found clear evidence that if we avoid conflict – if we withdraw or suppress it, or try to smooth it over – conflict runs the risk of seething under the surface, and coming out much worse later on. (We all know this on some level, but such formal studies can give us more confidence to act on what we innately know!)

The thing about conflict that creates avoidance is that conflict is unpleasant, it doesn’t feel good in the moment, and it can also be a contradiction to our values! However, if we can be mindful within the conflict, if we can manage our emotions so our brain stays ‘switched on’ and mindful, conflict can be used to create a tension, an energy that ‘gets things done’. It can also create learning about how we can improve and do better. Most importantly, it is within a conflict that we can capture the differences and diversity that make the group or family a strong unit at the outset!

The key, of course, is to manage our emotions well enough that we can stay true to our values and be mindful of the value of the conflict itself, so it becomes an energy that propels us forward, a tension that helps us act or ‘perform’ better, be more authentic, learn about each other and keep communication open, thereby avoiding those subtle and insidious behaviors like manipulation, subversion and intrigue – now there’s a real cause to be uneasy!!

For tips on how to manage your emotions better, go to Articles, or read any of the books for sale in our Shop – excerpts from all will be posted soon on this website!

Praising Children - Right or Wrong?

2010-02-01T18:27:00.001-05:00

Praising and telling children they’re smart can backfire! (If you’re a parent, I am confident that you know that already!) However, it’s always good to have evidence. And here it is: new research (done at Stanford and other universities) shows that praising children for apparent inherent characteristics such as intelligence or talent can undermine their self-confidence. Although such praise works well with adults, researchers found that with children it can be the complete opposite! In one study carried out in the New York City school district, it was found that children given the label ‘smart’ performed no better than other children – in fact the indications were that the label ‘smart’ actually contributed to children underperforming. By undermining their motivation ‘un-earned’ praise may actually cause laziness, anxiety, even fear, and diminish their ability to handle challenges.
What does seem to build self-confidence and a healthy self-image, according to the research, is praising children for effort, persistence or diligence, and what I like to call stick-to-it-iveness. This makes sense to me, because reward for something you do rather than for who you are is bound to create a more predictable and therefore safe reality for a child, and act as a motivator to do more of what works; you cannot be more of who you are when you, especially as a child, have no real developed sense of who you are; however you can certainly do more (or less) of actions and behaviours that gain praise! Recalling my own childhood, I can relate to that – never mind my own daughter and all the children I have known, taught, been taught by and worked with!

Now being referred to as ‘the new science of children’ this thinking has been long coming! It is all based on information we already know and which certainly has been well documented by the immense developmental research done over the last few decades. The most significant thing this ‘new’ evidence is revealing is that what works for adults does not necessarily work for children! Take gratitude for example – the very popular core of the current positive psychology and self-esteem building movement – and something I strongly espouse for my (adult) clients. Interestingly, gratitude exercises and processes that work so well in helping adults become more clear, confident, empathic, and emotionally balanced, seem to have the opposite effects on children. One study done with children in affluent Long Island communities, showed that children who focused on gratitude not only did not feel better nor more empathic than the control groups, many of them actually felt worse! The researchers don’t appear to have a satisfactory explanation, except that it may have something to do with kids feeling controlled by adults. Personally, I believe it has more to do with the brain’s developmental process, individuation, and the child’s still growing center in the brain that governs the understanding of being part of a greater whole. It is the fact that children have not yet fully developed their capacity for abstract empathy nor do they have the life experiences to create context for gratitude the way adults have, that creates a different perception of gratitude altogether.

When I work with children I ask them to make a list of things that make them happy (that is happy, not grateful). I help them create a safe place to go inside their imaginations and facilitate them to begin to use this ability to self-soothe and self-regulate, to help them make better choices for themselves. Asking a child to feel gratitude in the bigger picture is inappropriate; gratitude needs to, indeed it must always relate to any individual’s developmental stage and be authentic in the context of their unique life. As must any aspect of building self-esteem.

Expecting childrens confidence and self-esteem to respond the same way an adult’s does makes little or no sense, because they are children!

Healthy self esteem, in my experience, develops from the inside out, and is cumulative. First a child must feel loved and valued for who he or she is, just because they are. Conversely, their achievements are about what they do and the praise they receive and how they are judged needs to relate to just that, what they do, not to the lovable being that they innately are – and that we all are. Herein, I believe, lies the crux of many of our adult neuroses, that as children we were praised – or not – for who we were, and that what we did was confused with who we were. Let’s not make the same mistake with our own children; evidence based or not, we have enough information to know to build our children’s self-esteem and confidence from the inside out, developing first the inner life of the child and then – only then - the way that inner life relates to the outside world – which includes the context for gratitude as well as the feedback about their own performance. What it means to bring up emotionally balanced, coherent competent, & confident, socially aware children amid the glitz and glamour of our consumer culture, is, in essence, a balancing act, on a tightrope strung up between who the child is and what he or she does. And the greatest tool we can give them is to teach them how to negotiate that tightrope themselves, by learning to know themselves.

More about building self-esteem with children in my book Children Believe Everything You Say (Element Books 1997), available on our website and at all good bookstores, including Amazon.com

Teams & Families

2010-01-25T15:20:00.003-05:00

Reviewing the last few years of working with parents and leaders, it strikes me how very parallel the issues of these two groups of people are; parents want their kids to learn to be responsible and accountable, they want good communication and high achievements; and leaders want the same from their employees; families want honest communication and everyone to pull their weight – as do leadership teams! Parents have problems maintaining boundaries, understanding their offspring or meeting them where they’re at, and getting them to do what they want! Leaders seem to have the same issues! Families are often brought together by shared values and the need to collaborate over something (as they are split when these are missing!); leadership teams - ditto!

I find that when I witness parents and leaders who ‘make it all work’, those who are succeeding and reaching their goals, I notice they ensure that their children or employees feel that they each have a sense of real purpose (rather than just a job, a chore, or a commitment); a value in being the unique person they are with their unique strengths, in the unique position they’re in; the employees / children know that they have a special contribution to make without which the team (or family) would not be doing as well! Leaders and parents that flourish do so because they have employees and children with a strong sense of belonging & purpose, who therefore are more likely to feel motivated and inspired, loyal and happy!

From the TAO TE CHING

2010-01-20T23:23:00.004-05:00

We know beauty because there is ugly
We know good because there is evil
Being and not being,
having and not having,
create each other.
Difficult and easy,
long and short,
high and low,
define each other,
just as before and after follow each other.

I love this quote ~ it reminds me to embrace the shadow, and that all is relative.

A 'Badge of Honor'?

2010-01-11T15:06:00.006-05:00

A new year, and time to look at stress in a different light!
Far too many people 'wear' stress like a badge of honor; "Oh I'm SO stressed!" a man exclaims at the local coffee shop as I quietly sip my cappuccino. He continues, "but at least that means I'm working hard and being productive!"
He leaves hurriedly and I wonder whether he will get any more done today than me...... somehow I don't think so. Work we do and decisions we make in a stressed out state, frequently lead to more stress. Interestingly, it's when we are in a relaxed, calm state that we are most likely to be the most creative problem solvers and make the best decisions - because that's when our brain is fully 'switched on".
Time to recognize that the belief that 'only through hard work and stress will you be successful', is a myth! Not only is 'hard work and stress' not a prerequisite for achievement and success, it absolutely never guarantees it, (if it did, there would be a lot more successful, non-struggling people in the world.)
Time to recognize the value of relaxation and self-care, of having a life of ease and balance, of ensuring our brain is as fully switched on as possible - and that means activating the 'feel good factor"!
Try this for a week; start every day generating a 'feel good' state - whether it's through focusing on feeling appreciation for something in your life; reading something inspiring; listening to a piece of music you love; doing yoga or other physical activity; or whatever makes you feel like smiling! I'd love to hear about what differences you notice in your life.
Personally, I have found that as long as I take the feel-good factor with me as I go about my day, I am way more effective and successful than when old beliefs about 'hard work' surface and stress becomes the order of the day!
Please join me in expanding the 'feel-good factor' - increase its frequency in your day .................. It may become a movement!

Happy New Year!

2009-12-30T14:38:00.002-05:00

It’s that time of year again – when we look for renewal and reinvention, and we make resolutions to keep intentions we mostly have all year long. Why do we think we can keep them just because it’s a new year? Maybe a new year makes us feel like we have been given a new beginning, and we can forgive ourselves the old bad habits because we are committed to doing better now? While this is a hope-filled and optimistic feeling, it will be more than likely over-ridden by the emotion we have that drives the habit or behavior we want to get rid of in the first place! Because that emotion is probably stronger than the new intention! It is probably older, more ‘set’ in your body, and it’s history and ‘roots’ much more powerful. Interestingly, a recent scientific study in Portugal showed that in times of stress (such as the times we are in), we revert to habits we have formed even if they are destructive and actually cause more stress! (More on this in a future article – watch for it on this website.)

For me, shifting habits is of course as challenging as for anyone, but I have always found it to be amazingly helpful to journal write, especially at this time of year – to journal about the emotions that keep me doing things I don’t really feel good about. Journaling as in ‘stream of consciousness’ – NO judgment, just write what you feel – can be immensely clarifying and give great insight. When you have ‘emptied’ your emotions onto the pages and you feel your writing is, at least for the moment, complete, allow yourself to just sit with the emotion(s), get to know it/them. And breathe- long, slow, deep breaths.

When ready, get into that space in your body that feels good (usually in the heart and chest area). Breathe into it. Allow the emotions you wrote about to just melt as you breathe into the ‘feel-good’ feeling.

Then, on a new blank page (the naturally occurring metaphor here is difficult to ignore :-), write down where you would like to be one year from now; imagine your perfect life in a year – write it down. When I do this, I then give myself one practical step to take to move towards it – which I then carry out. (The changes I want then become manageable, step-by-step processes). If those sabotaging emotions start to appear again, I go back and journal about them and do the same process as above, again. Eventually, after a few times, even the most stubborn emotions will have ‘melted’ away completely! Quite an empowering experience! With the sabotaging emotions gone, any resolutions, New Year’s or otherwise, become so much easier to keep, I cannot imagine making any kind of resolutions or commitments without first doing this process.

On that note; all of us here at AEM wish all of you a Happy New Year ------- and happy journaling!

Prize Draw Winners!

2009-12-21T13:16:00.005-05:00

Our December 20th Holiday Prize Draw has happened! We are giving away 5 copies of my book BEING WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE, and the winners are Lindsay T., Sabina Y., Cindy M., Alexis R., and Beth W. Congratulations to you all! (Each winner has been notified by email.)

A quote in the book is from Confucius: "To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right." The Christmas season is such a perfect time to reflect on this I find. It is the season for giving (although that season should really never end!), AND it is the time when we prepare for a new year, new beginnings, and setting intentions for improvements and new choices we wish to make. May all our choices help and support us in "setting our hearts right"!

Musings on the Holidays

2009-12-14T14:24:00.001-05:00

The Holidays are coming up again – and what has not been said on this subject? I cannot think of anything! The discussion is, as usual, can we manage the stress and make the experience pleasurable? This year for many, there’s probably an additional focus on money - or rather the reduced amounts of it available! The quote "In bringing up children, spend on them half as much money and twice as much time." (L. J. Peter) may speak more to parents this year than before!

So the one thing I find myself focusing on is quality rather than quantity - and the concept of relishing; relishing every positive fraction of every tiny moment. As I bake the mince pies, I want to relish the aromas that waft towards me. Each time I walk past the tree in our living room, I want to relish the beauty of the twinkling lights and the sweet decorations collected over the years. Before, during and after each meal, I want to take the time to deeply appreciate every morsel consumed, knowing how privileged we are to be consuming such meals at all. Relishing to me is like the physical version of appreciating, felt so acutely it creates a physical response – the mouthwatering experience, the involuntary smile, the warm glow. And what more do I need – for these are the physical manifestations of happiness, and to decide to relish is to decide to be happy – at any time of year!

Musings on The Being Effect

2009-12-01T11:48:00.002-05:00

For me, The Being Effect is what one might call the impact we each make on our environment, our loved ones, each person we meet, and our own body. It is not just about what we say and do - but actually more about how we feel. Our feelings permeate everything, which is really good news, because this is something we can actually take charge of - and which in turn will make it easier to take charge of how we respond to the world! I for one, am grateful for this, especially when I am confronted with all the things in the world that I cannot control! Although recycling, using my bike instead of my car, and coaching by phone rather than driving to an office, all contribute however minutely to a better world, consciously putting myself in a 'feel-good' state and allowing it to effect everything I think, say and do will, I believe, make an even greater difference. And it will naturally include riding my bike - - for several reasons, not just because I want to be 'green' but because I really love to ride! Easier, somehow, than 'trying hard' to be environmentally conscious, as it is a natural result of 'the feel-good' flow........... :-)

Distraction

2009-11-19T12:30:00.002-05:00

Sometimes we let ourselves get distracted, sometimes we need distraction(!), and sometimes we just can't help but be distracted. I love this poem; it describes how I'm feeling today! :-)

I meant to do my work today -
But a brown bird sang in the apple tree,
And a butterfly flitted across the field,
And the leaves were calling me.
And the wind went sighing over the land,
Tossing the grasses to and fro,
And a rainbow held out its shining hand -
So what could I do but laugh and go?

by Richard le Gallienne

The California Women's Conference

2009-11-04T23:36:00.000-05:00

Twenty-four thousand women – and a handful of men – poured into the Long Beach Convention Center in California last week, filling the huge arena and newly constructed ‘village’ of booths and stages with excited, anticipatory chatter. Vivacious meetings between friends followed serious looking women with a mission in their stride. Laughter mingled with calls across the hallway, and guides & guards were inundated with questions that all began with ‘where’. Lines at the coffee stalls alternately lengthened and diminished, as the women in them looked hurriedly at their watches then around the room for some sign that might help them decide whether they should stay in line or go to their next destination. The Ladies rooms had more progressively expanding queues, until the women in them discovered that the Men’s room had a big “Women’ pasted over its “Men” sign! Frantic is a word that could be used to describe some of the activity in the hallways and escalators, as women jostled to get to the arena in time for the celebrity talk they wanted to hear. For many, the entire scene was a tad overwhelming!

I was fortunate to be positioned in the Sanctuary, where the publisher of my most recent book (Being What You Want To See) the Shinnyo-en Foundation, had created a comfortable and beautified area for me to do book-signings, and give short presentations about stress & emotions. Or at least, that was the plan. But as we all know, the best laid plans…… As it turned out, the noise level from thousands of voices coupled with life size screens broadcasting celebrity interviews, made it impossible to be heard by anyone other that those sitting right next to me. Ahh well – just as well really, for it resulted in one-on-one (and one-on-two) conversations about the specific stress that affected each of the countless women that pulled up a chair with me; without public scrutiny & within the privacy that loud noise and huge crowds curiously allow, individuals were able to learn how very powerfully their emotions impact their body, and (The Good News!) how quickly and effectively we can each recover from stress & turbulent emotions. With help from the feedback technology described in my book, and in 10-15 minutes each, close to a hundred women got to actually see, one by one, their own physiological stress response, how distressing emotions impact the body, and just how easy it is to self-correct. Not one woman was unable to learn to self-regulate, even in this very noisy and ‘un-focusing’ environment, and even when the women in question had come over to see me just to escape the overwhelming amount of stimulation! Every woman (and a couple of men!) left telling me they felt empowered, enlightened, amazed, uplifted or at the very least expressed gratitude for valuable new information about themselves,

The very next day after the conference, emails were in my Inbox saying things like; “I have incorporated your suggestions into my daily lifestyle and I have already begun reaping the benefits." "I am feeling more empowered, relaxed, calm and energetic.” & “Thank you, again...... for the private one-on-one customized training that you gave me. The results are already amazing!”

Is it any wonder I love my job!!!! I feel humbled, privileged, and delighted, all at the same time!

This Was Shared With Us

2009-11-02T20:34:00.000-05:00

When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn’t change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn’t change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.

Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.

-unknown monk 1100 A.D

Press packet for new book

2009-10-24T15:45:00.001-04:00

Press packet for new book
Originally uploaded by AppliedEmotionalMastery

If you would like a copy of this Press Packet for review or for promotional purposes, please go to Contact Us on our website.

I Am Lovable and Capable!

2009-10-19T13:47:00.000-04:00

Have you ever stood in front of a mirror and said to yourself “I am loveable and capable”? It can be a powerful exercise, and one which can unveil attitudes and beliefs you have about yourself that may not be serving you all that well!

A lot has been written in the last few decades about feeling loved and lovable. Less has been written about feeling capable…. However, the desire to feel capable is probably as strong in its own way as the desire to love and be loved; all a part of the need to belong and to matter that is such a significant part of the human experience. The desire to be capable never diminishes throughout life; picture a toddler proclaiming his ability to be self reliant; “I wanna do it! Le’ me do it!” is a cry we have all heard from a two-year old. Teenagers are of course notorious for wanting to demonstrate that they are capable, and if you visit a nursing home, you frequently witness residents saying to the staff, “Let me do it myself!”

I like to remember to recognize and honor this, whether I am at home, or working with business managers or parents: With managers I love the idea of ‘catching employees doing something right’: – Managers and leaders tend to be very good at correcting and finding what’s wrong – it’s very easy to do! However a more productive and beneficial approach is to catch yourself doing just that, and for each time you do; find and communicate something right that employees have done – twice!
With parents, this can work pretty much the same way – the object of children’s activities is, after all, developing self-reliance! The environments we create for our children need to give them the experience of being capable and able to fix a problem if they have one!
For me at home – well, suffice it to say I can always do with a bit more focus on what we all are capable of (rather than what we are not!)
In all cases I do believe the most important thing is to be sincere, to be authentic – for nothing is worse than a false compliment, or a “Good job!” said with an insincere smile and a false chirpiness!
And at the end of the day, that brings it all back to oneself: how sincere can I be in front of a mirror saying “I am lovable and capable”? It’s definitely something to work on!

Is Anybody There?

2009-10-09T14:18:00.000-04:00

It all happened very fast – one minute he was walking along the edge of a cliff, minding his own business, the next he was half way down, suspended over the jagged rocks and crashing waves below, by his pants pocket hooked onto a branch.

He felt the fabric begin to weaken and give way….. A few more stitches snapped. The waves pounding the rocks beneath him seemed to be getting closer – and certain death awaited him!

“Help! Is anyone there?” he cried out in anguish. “Help! Please, help me someone!”

Then, as if on a breeze floating by, a voice replied; “Do not hang on – release the fabric from the branch and let go. Trust me. You will float gently down like a feather in the breeze, and you will land softly on a smooth rock. The waters will lap softly against your feet, soothing your every ache, loosening your every tension….’

“Is anyone else there?” he called.

(originally read in "Inside Stories" by Angela Wood & Robin Richardson © 1992)

I wonder how many of us have at sometime or another felt this way? – that we’ve been called on to have faith, but cannot or dare not comply with the ramifications of it; of what such faith actually demands of us……. Heavy maybe? But reflecting on this question feels appropriate these days ……..

A Few De-stressing Tips for These Times of Angst:

2009-10-06T14:51:00.000-04:00

Limit time spent on a crisis
Stroke an animal & exhale while doing so
Talk to a friend
Say ‘no’ to a demand
Say ‘yes’ to a break
Congratulate yourself for your commitment to growth (You’re reading this, for instance!)
Enjoy nature
Give CHANGE a chance!

A Story of "I"s

2009-09-29T14:39:00.000-04:00

One day, Ted was waiting for his business partner George, who was perpetually late. When he finally arrived, Ted reminded him that he had made a promise to be on time today, as they had vital things to discuss in a now short time. Ted said he felt let down.
“Aw come on!” George responded. “Lighten up! I may not always be on time, but I’m never late!” he laughed at his own joke.
Ted was not amused. If he added up all the half-hours he’d waited for George it would probably amount to several days! But George was unperturbed. “Anyway, it’s not my fault. I set my alarm and was ready to go this morning when the rain just came chucking down! Man, did you see it?! My car was parked a ways up the road, and I would have got drenched, so I had to wait.”
“What happened to umbrellas?” Ted inquired.
“Oh, I couldn’t find one, and anyhow I don’t remember promising to be on time.. did I really?”
“Yes,” Ted said, “you did. But if you can’t be sincere with yourself, how can I expect you to be sincere with me?”
“The trouble with you is, you speak in riddles too much! What the heck has sincerity got to do with it anyways?!” George was losing patience. So was Ted, who just shot him a quiet look under raised eyebrows.
George continued; “It’s just that sometimes the “me” that wants to get up early is not the same “me” who just won’t cooperate and get out of bed! We all have several parts to us – you do too, don’t you? I mean, sometimes we have internal conflicts, like when it comes to keeping a secret for instance. One “I” makes a promise to keep a secret, then after maybe a few glasses of wine, a second “I” urges the person to just tell his wife and then forgets to tell her it’s a secret. I mean, that happens to everyone, right?”
“Are you referring to our discussion last week, when we agreed to keep that highly confidential information, ahem, ‘highly confidential’?”
“My wife and I had a few drinks and it had been on my mind and it was so incredible, I just had to tell her! Then, well, she told her brother and… “ he trailed off, but got quickly back on track. “But it was good man, because her brother had a few suggestions that I think we should seriously consider – it may make all the difference to our decision about the merger!” he became instantly excited. Ted was silent. George went on; “Anyway, it’s hardly my fault. You should have made it clearer.”
Somehow, this was the last straw for Ted. Enough was enough.
“George,” he began, “I could not have made it clearer. But listening to you reminds me of an ancient teaching that says If one of your “I”s offends you, pluck it out. If you cannot make yourself agree internally, you will continue to justify all your dysfunctional actions by blaming circumstances or other people. It is obvious that last week, my “I” met with another of your “I”s than the one I went into business with. All of this just tells me we must dissolve our partnership. I’m done.” And with that, he stood up and walked away.

Inspired by “Shooting the Monkey” by Colin Turner

2009-09-20T12:43:00.000-04:00

Appreciating The Small Stuff

A plate is placed on the small café table in front of me. On it, a perfect, golden brown, puffy croissant – straight out of the oven. As I gingerly hold it by its two hot claws and pull gently, it falls apart, pastry flakes scattering on and off the plate. The croissant center is revealed, hot and steamy, soft and yellow. I place a small piece on my tongue and can taste the butter through the flavor of sweet pastry. Yum! As I break off small pieces and eat them slowly, one by one, I leave the outer, crispy, flaky pieces for last. Savoring every bite of this mouthwatering pastry, I occasionally indulge further in sips of foamy cappuccino, enhancing the croissant’s sweetness even more. Eventually only those crispy flakes remain. I take a deep breath and smile in anticipation. Lifting one to my lips, I await the crunch and the taste of not quite burnt, sweet buttery pastry. There it is – ahhh. What bliss. Finally the last bite; I let it melt a little then chew gently and it’s gone. Washing it down with the rest of my cappuccino, I exhale in satisfaction and appreciation. Aren’t I one fortunate person to be indulging in such a treat, today!

2009-09-14T12:04:00.000-04:00

Parents Worry More – About Technology!

As an add-on to my last Blog, I am compelled to respond to the several parents who have emailed me with their concerns about their children’s use of technology; specifically Facebook, texting, and Internet technology in general. As if there wasn’t enough to worry about before, now there is this added question for many: is all this technology damaging my child?

There are many research findings out there that give us multiple reasons why unlimited use of technology is not a good thing – especially for young developing brains – including some scary links to ADD, ADHD and other labels. But I’m not going to quote any of it here. (If you have an interest in the research, there’s so much out there you can just Google it!) In this Blog I think it may be more helpful to just go back to basics: what are your children’s needs? how can technology help/hinder you to get them met? And what is the right thing for you to do?
I’ll try to keep simple what I have learned while working with children and parents on this issue.

Children need opportunities to work out basic relationships, especially family relationships, so they can understand both themselves and relationship dynamics. Ask yourself: Is their use of technology facilitating this process? Used mindfully, both Facebook (and other such IT) and texting can be beneficial both socially and academically. However, if it replaces face to face human contact, it will not help the development of skills we as humans need to ‘read’ other people, and to express ourselves appropriately through out body-language and other ‘live’ visual, auditory, and tactile cues.

Children need to learn how to manage their own emotions and stress reactions live and in real-time, as they work out their relationships with others, developing their emotional intelligence, including empathic competencies, in the process. The impersonal, brief but delayed, and abbreviated nature of interactive communication such as texting and emailing have shown to impair this learning process considerably. I can vouch for this finding, having witnessed it not only in many, many children in schools, but also amongst countess professionals in corporations, where it causes costly conflict! (One Fortune 500 CEO was described to me recently as “an emotional train-wreck”).

So, before your child grows up into a fully dysfunctional and miserable corporate player :-), let’s look at what you can do – realistically, day-to-day:

Do you Multitask? Multitasking is a significant aspect of Internet technology, and its appeal. Check whether you multitask yourself before you tell your child not to. Do you drive and talk on your cell-phone at the same time? Do you text while you’re having a family meal out? Do you … hmm, get the picture? Gauge how you would like your child to be, against your own actions. “Do as I say, not as I do,” doesn’t work anymore!

When it comes to your child’s school work, multitasking may not be detrimental in itself, - although for some children it undermines their capacity to focus – but it does tend to slow down the process of getting the work done, making it more likely for her to be studying well into the night and rushing her assignment when she’d tired and cranky and her brain is not functioning at it’s full capacity – and more importantly, she probably won’t be getting enough sleep.

You are the parent, not the buddy – dare to be unpopular. Every young person needs his guide more than anyone, and you are it! Take the time to observe where your child’s development is being helped or hindered by technology. Use your intuitive knowledge of each child – they all respond differently to technology, as to anything. Discuss with your co-parent or another adult who holds the same values you do. Make mindful choices about what your boundaries are or need to be. Plan to engage your child, to consider his views and be open to some leeway with him, but be sure you know and stay true to your own limits. Apply your emotional mastery skills to get centered and really ‘tune in’ to what you know, in your heart, is right.

When conversing with your child about setting boundaries or consequences (these or others), set up a time for conversation when both of you are in a good space. (For instance, giving advance notice, serving Pizza, and letting your child select some of her choice of music to play in the background, might set the stage better than yelling after her as she disappears up the staircase.) If you, for instance, are setting time limits for the use of Facebook, try to get their buy-in, but be clear that you are the parent. Eliminate your emotional need to be liked or approved of, (having managed your emotions before the conversation!)

This brings to mind a story I heard recently about a comment the Duke of Windsor made after spending time in the US. He said, (sarcastically I believe), “What I like about America is how well parents obey their children.” Oooops! Check that this doesn’t apply to you!

Of course the very best thing you can do is your own 3 R’s:
Recognize whether your emotions are serving you and your child, & if not, stop.
Release any tension, appropriately (‘take Time-out’ and scream into a pillow, write, run, etc.)
Relax into a ‘feel-good’ state – breathe slowly 3 times and focus on feeling appreciation.
THEN, come back to the issue. With your emotional energy managed, your brain will be clearer and you can behave and communicate more the way you really want to!

Internet & communication technology is here to stay – but rather than gritting your teeth and bearing it, the job of parents is to find ways to reconcile it with what we know for sure about our human needs, and being brave enough to do what is right, regardless of whether it’s popular in the moment. The less emotional energy you have around that, the easier it will be! That’s my experience, anyway!

2009-09-13T12:22:00.000-04:00

Parents Worry!

Most people worry sometimes. ALL of us who are parents, worry - a lot! It is part and parcel of being a parent – to worry about our children. When they start a new school, we worry. When they begin going off to parties on their own, we worry. When they make choices we do not approve of or understand, we worry. When they grow up and move away to run their own lives we continue to worry, although it feels a little different, because we no longer have any control, not even an illusion of control! :-)

Worry is what I call a ‘what if?’ emotion. Like anxiety, fear, concern, eagerness, hope, and expectancy, it anticipates and attempts to predict the future. The imagination, prone to run rampant, joins in and, if unchecked, feeds the emotion as various scenarios are envisioned. The best thing to do when you catch yourself in the throes of this experience is to say to yourself “Time Out!” Check where in your body you are holding the tension that has been created – and release it! I for one, tend to hold worry in my jaw and neck, so a good old roll of the head and shoulders, and an opening and closing of my mouth helps to loosen things up! With the tension released I take three deep breaths, focusing all my attention in the area of my heart, feeling my torso expand and contract around the heart as I breathe. I suggest you try it – it feels exceedingly pleasant!

When you really feel fully present & centered in your body, breathing calmly, visualize your child perfectly safe, happy, and learning what (s)he is meant to learn. Know that your child has his or her own journey to make through life and trust that you have given them the necessary values and skills to navigate through it – and whatever that looks like, don’t judge it but rather know that it is perfect.

Quite frankly, much as we do it, worry does nothing to help with anything. Try instead to “send” your child all your love and just be there, living your own life as best you can, but always in a loving state for them. That is the best support you can possibly give your child – and guess what? I’m telling myself this now, as my (very) adult daughter travels across another continent. As a matter of fact, I find myself using this process on quite a regular basis!

2009-08-31T20:21:00.000-04:00

Nothing to do with Relaxation!

Contrary to popular beliefs, mastering emotions does not mean activating a state of relaxation or calm. Quite the opposite, it means creating a state – an internal locus of control - which channels the energy of the emotion in question into a perspective that can relate to and interact with whatever external stressors or circumstances that caused the emotion or stress in the first place.

Just as those moments that we have all experienced spontaneously, when life and our interactions seem to flow easily and effortlessly, this internal locus of control gives us the ability to deliberately respond harmoniously and with greater ease, to take charge of our emotions rather than being the victim of them. When life presents us with circumstances over which we have no control and which we normally would resist, creating stress and conflict, we can now decide to take charge of our emotions and our responses, consciously changing whatever doesn’t serve us to create an energized state from which to respond in an ‘emotionally intelligent’ manner.

This was simply but effectively demonstrated by Helen, a newly qualified temporary counselor at an inner city school. Although truly gifted in her work with children, she was insecure and easily stressed in her dealings with colleagues and administration. She had taken several initiatives to develop her ideas into programs to help the children with their emotions, with great success. However, she had many more ideas that she was not implementing because of her insecurities and lack of confidence.

These insecurities were exacerbated by several teachers at the school who believed that emotional support did not belong in an educational setting. They would drop negative remarks to her about the children she was trying to help such as, “Children who behave like that should be expelled!”, “The children you are trying to help are past praying for!” or, “They should re-instate corporal punishment in schools! That’s all that will work with those kids!” Helen would quietly seethe at these remarks, laughing nervously and turning away to avoid confrontation. She would then lie awake at night fretting because she didn’t have the confidence to stand up for what she believed was right, and wondering if she was undermining her own work. No matter how often the school’s principal or others pointed out her successes, her insecurities would ‘take over’ and she was, as she put it, ‘unable to think straight’.

After a few training sessions learning about and applying emotional mastery (AEM), achieving ‘internal coherence’ – that is her brain and heart being coherent or in harmony – her confidence started to build. She practiced the skills diligently and within a month had gained the clarity of mind and internal locus of control to stand up for her convictions, either by speaking her truth or by ignoring her critics completely and not allowing thoughts about them to take up her time or energy.

There is nothing complex about the skills Helen developed; each day she would practice the slow, rhythmic breathing, and various versions of “the three R’s” (see the next Blog outlining the 3 R’s), generating the sensation in her chest that facilitated the internal coherence. By doing this, she was constantly increasing the coherence of the messages sent from her heart to her brain rather than allowing her thinking brain to be ‘switched off’ by ‘chaotic’ messages. More and more she became ‘emotionally intelligent’. Eventually she not only implemented many more of her ideas with the children, but used the AEM concepts she practiced herself to support the children – with great success; boys that she would previously have had to pull away from fights in the playground on a daily basis, now came to her voluntarily, walking away from a potential fight before it began, they would come to her room, sit down in a corner and slow down their breathing until they had gained some internal coherence, and hence the clarity of mind needed to manage their own behavior.

Nothing to do with relaxation at all really!

2009-08-26T21:03:00.000-04:00

YOU ARE THE EXPERT ON YOU
~ emotionally and otherwise!

The word “emotion” is from Latin “emovere” which means ‘to be moved by’. Emotions are what move us to action. For example, the emotion of anger at injustice can move us to positive action of creating justice where none exists; the emotion of fear can move us to protect ourselves, often appropriately so, but equally often, inappropriately.

Emotions used in the way for which they were intended, generate creativity and innovation in each one of us, in every area of life. Emotions that are denied or not accepted drive us to behaviours that are unhealthy or dysfunctional. Conversely, emotions that are acknowledged and channeled appropriately bring about positive action, invoke problem-solving, and give birth to progress.

I ask myself every weekend; what progress have my emotions helped me make this week? How have I channeled my emotional energy? What choices have I made that led to positive action or experiences – in my life and the lives of those around me?
It’s a great exercise!

2009-08-19T16:30:00.000-04:00

Sanctuary

Today I received an email from a client who is traveling in France. As I daydream over lunch, I am remembering some of the times I have spent in that beautiful country, most recently with my daughter, visiting a dear friend in Aix en Provence in southern France. The Aix countryside is breathtaking, with its lush green valleys and mountains, lavender covered fields stretching out like lilac carpets for acres and acres, infusing the air with a sweet, heady scent. In another view, miles and miles of vineyards seem to go on past the horizon separated only by winding country roads that now and again make their way through a tiny village. Should you care to stop, the stone walls covered in climbing roses and a church tower chiming softly on the hour, invite you to meander through the narrow cobble-stoned lanes and to rest for the occasional café-au-lait or glass of wine at the village square café. There, seated at a tiny table with a red chequered tablecloth, adjusting your chair to fit between the uneven cobbled stones, you may feel the peace of this countryside envelop you and infuse you as has the lavender scent.

This is one of the places my imagination takes me when I need a mental sanctuary. I am refreshed for the rest of the day, inspired to move into whatever task the day demands. Ahhhhh, the imagination makes it so easy to feel content, to re-connect with a feeling of peace …… we just need to remember to do it !

2009-08-17T13:00:00.000-04:00

Expressing Anger - When You're 6!

I believe that all emotions have a purpose, and that validating every emotion (i.e. acknowledging that it is there) is paramount to knowing the purpose of that emotion (i.e. what is it telling me?) and being able to manage it, if necessary.

There are many ways to facilitate this acknowledgement of emotions with people, and with children I prefer to make it fun, if possible! One day, I was doing an exercise with a group of girls aged 6 to 9, focusing on accepting emotions of anger (in themselves): the exercise was to express feelings of anger – or other similar feelings that they would like to express – by writing them down. They were promised that no-one would look at their pieces of paper, (which were ultimately to be destroyed).

As all the girls were busy – heads down – writing to their hearts content, the youngest, and only 6-year old, approached me. Quietly she whispered “How do you spell the F word?”
I was a little taken aback, but collected myself quickly and responded in a whisper, “It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to spell it right.”
“But I want to!” she whispered, clearly irritated.
I smiled, hoping she would go back to her writing. Alas, she was adamant.
“How do you spell the F word?” she repeated, whispering a little louder this time.
“I’m afraid I am not allowed to tell you that.” I ventured a little sheepishly, stumped as to what to tell her that she would accept. “and anyway, as I said, it doesn’t matter.””I want to know!” she vehemently whispered loudly. “How do you spell the F word?!”
“Maybe you can use another word?” I ventured hopefully
“NO!” she whispered loudly now, causing one of the other girls to look up briefly.
“I want to know how to spell it!” she whispered again, her voice rasping.
I shrugged. “I’m sorry sweetie, I can’t tell you.” I laid a sympathetic hand on hers, which she shook off impatiently, turning on her heels and with an emphatic exclamation of “Right!” she stomped back to her paper and pencil.
Astonished I watched as she deliberately lifted up her tiny freckled fist with her middle finger pointing straight up in the air. Holding her hand firmly in this position, she turned it around and placed it decidedly down on the paper. With her pencil in the other hand, she proceeded to trace around the fist with the extended middle finger. When she had finished she looked up at me with a satisfied nod.
Then, blow me down, she did it again! And again, and again, and again! Until her entire page was filled with this image.
Suffice it to say, the exercise worked beautifully for her. She completed our session with a huge satisfied grin, announcing to her mother that she had left her ‘angeriness behind’. And indeed her mother reported more than a year later that her daughter no longer threw the huge anger tantrums she used to before, and had taken to writing, not only when she was upset (which was great news) but otherwise too, composing stories that eventually would win her awards at school.

I have simplified this story somewhat, but the essence of it is illustrative; when we are able to acknowledge our emotions no matter how bad they may seem, and express them appropriately, we can move on to the issue of releasing and /or transforming them so they better serve us!

‘Being Right’

2009-08-10T17:58:00.000-04:00

I shared a Chinese story recently with some of you and received several requests to share it again! I think the story really resonated - because it’s about ‘being right’, and we have all, at some point, become caught up in the belief that we are right - defending our point, ourselves, our ego, often to the detriment of what we are actually trying to achieve!  In a small temple in the mountains, four student monks were practicing Zazen. They agreed amongst themselves to observe seven days of silence. The first day of meditation began auspiciously, but as night began to fall one of the monks started feeling irritated that the lamps were not being lit. "It was your turn to light the lamps," he complained to one of his fellow students. The second monk was surprised to hear the first one talk. "In my concentration to maintain silence, I forgot," he explained "Listen to you two," said the third student, "Why did you talk?" I am the only one now who has not talked," concluded the fourth.

With thanks to Colin Turner, author of “Shooting The Monkey – Secrets of The New Business Spirit” (Hodder & Stoughton 1999). I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants business success!

A Wise Bird

2009-07-30T16:38:00.001-04:00

A Wise Bird

A wise old owl sat in an oak
The more he heard, the less he spoke;
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
Why aren’t we all like that wise old bird?

MORE MUSINGS ON CREATIVITY

2009-07-17T17:42:00.000-04:00

Continuing on the subject of creativity and emotions, imagination cannot develop unless we allow it to flow…. Much like a snowball that has to roll down a hill of snow to accumulate more snow and become a significantly sized snowball! Allowing imagination to flow means that emotions will accompany the images we have. Allowing oneself to move through them, validate them, and process them (rather that interrupting them when they feel uncomfortable), gives us the opportunity to discover that we have a choice about how we feel. This in turn allows us to emerge at the other end with deeper, wider, perspectives, insights and creativity …………………… at least that is my experience!

Happy Birthday Paps!

2009-07-13T17:45:00.000-04:00

Today is my father’s birthday. I am very fortunate to have a father who is both youthful in spirit and positive in outlook. (At 82, he tap dances, plays tennis and still works as a consulting physician). His positive and optimistic view of life has, I suspect, not always been easy – life has given him some major hurdles to overcome – but he has consistently chosen to view life from a positive perspective, and when he can’t, to at least move his attention (and everyone else’s, if he’s given half a chance!) to finding the positive or the comical! In wishing him a Happy Birthday, I am reminded how his ‘emotional mastery’ has given me a strong reference for what it looks like, inspiring me to never give up endeavoring to grow - to ‘transcend and go beyond’.

I encourage any and everybody to look for, in their lives, someone who can exemplify emotional mastery to them, who, even though we cannot (and don’t even want to) be exactly like them, can serve as an inspiration and help us hold an image of what it means to be positive; what it looks like to draw on and manage our emotions so we make the most of life; and to help us remember that, as the song says “the best of times is now!”

A Word

2009-06-25T16:10:00.000-04:00

A 4-year old said "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Makes me think of one of The 4 Agreements (by Don Miguel Ruiz): “Be impeccable with your word”.

Much food for thought - ‘nough said!

Walking the Talk

2009-06-18T15:43:00.000-04:00

Walking the Talk

Walking the Talk has been a much-used phrase in recent years, and probably is more applicable than ever now! When we – or those we look up to – do not ‘walk the talk’, incongruence and inconsistencies become rampant very quickly, which makes for a lot of insecurities to say the least!

Unfortunately, we cannot control others and whether they live up to our expectations. But we can be in charge of ourselves, and the way we “walk our talk”.

To have such ‘management’, we must of course become aware of what our ‘talk’ is; our beliefs about how to live life, our values and expectations, the behaviors and actions we expect of others and ourselves. Interestingly, many are unclear about this, not having fully addressed these thoughts and beliefs within the self –only being adversely triggered whenever they are unmet in the outside world!!

Nonetheless, it is surely essential to be completely conscious of exactly what we want to see before we can manifest it. Although this may seem obvious, I personally find it very valuable to keep the door open on the issue of ‘talk’ and whether we are really ‘walking’ it; never taking that for granted; always questioning and checking ourselves; exploring and self-regulating any stress or emotions that get in the way or are destructive; always growing our self-awareness, and, in the words of Walt Whitman, rising to go beyond.

Then, and only then can we become objective enough to address whether we are, or even can be capable of, ‘walking the walk”!!!!

A Timeless Issue

2009-06-15T16:19:00.000-04:00

I came across the quote below in an old book. I have found it to push the boundaries of some of our perceptions today and even activate some uncomfortable emotions, but the teaching is relevant and timeless – and it is one we can choose to use as a catalyst for growth; an inspiration; a validation of intentions; or merely to examine our emotional response and decide whether it serves us …. or not.

A certain stage of the human consciousness can be observed when, to the question as to what is needed, the following answer is given: ‘Money’. So long as this mercenary limitation is not outlived, no spiritual help can be provided. One’s consciousness must be advanced towards more significant values, then help will come even materially. The law of the highest values is affirmed in the whole of existence. Thus, our own consciousness determines the well-being that is deserved.
From HEART – Signs of Agni Yoga © 1932

Emotions and Creativity

2009-06-09T16:23:00.000-04:00

I am drawn to award shows on TV, most particularly Broadway’s Tony Awards because this particular event honors live theatre – and live theatre was central to my life for more than thirty years. No doubt those of you who share my interest, watched this year’s Tony Awards on TV last Sunday. As usual in awards shows, there was much emotion – mainly excitement, pride, gratitude, some overwhelm, and lots of delight. I am sure there were also disappointments, sadness and anger too, but we didn’t get to see much of that…….

Emotions run rampant in the theatre world, as in all environments where creativity abounds. It is almost a given with theatre people; writers; actors; singers; dancers; musicians; composers; choreographers; artists; directors; all are expected to be ‘emotional’, that is to have and to show lots of emotions freely, unabashedly. This can be a good thing, it can be entertaining, and it can even be inspiring. But all too often it can be destructive. Few, if any, demands are placed on creative or performing artists to manage their emotions, with the resulting emotional chaos we are so often witness to in the world of celebrity.

I like to challenge the assumption that one needs to be emotionally unmanaged to be creative. This assumption is, I believe, a myth! On the contrary; the ability to understand emotions and emotional information, to appreciate how emotions merge, mingle and move through relationship transitions, to grasp emotional meanings and to be able to identify, assess, process and modulate them within, is surely central to some of our greatest and inspired works of art!

I'll be musing more on this subject!

A Poem for a Smile

2009-05-28T16:20:00.000-04:00

When I worked as a school counselor, I liked to share poems and stories with the children, that would express feelings they might be experiencing but having difficulty expressing. One poem was particularly popular and came to mind again when a former (now grown up) client asked about it! We agreed that it very aptly expresses something we can all identify with!
Enjoy!
Betsy At The Party

‘When I was at the party,’
Said Betsy aged just four,
‘A little girl fell off her chair
Right down upon the floor;
And all the other little girls
Began to laugh, but me -
I didn’t laugh a single bit,’
Said Betsy seriously.

‘Why not?’ her mother asked her,
Full of delight to find
That Betsy - bless her little heart! -
Had been so sweetly kind.
‘Why didn’t you laugh, my darling?
Or don’t you like to tell?’
‘I didn’t laugh,’ said Betsy,
‘ ‘Cause it was me that fell!’

Anonymous

Six Billion Paths to Peace initiative

2009-04-17T15:41:00.000-04:00

Friday, April 17, 2009

Path to Peace
Recently added photos and information to the Shinnyo-en Foundation website as a part of the Six Billion Paths to Peace initiative, Jennifer Day, author of “Being What You Want To See”, and Maura Wolf, Shinnyo-en trainer, co-led a workshop entitled “Being What you Want, Teaching Who You are – A School Reform Strategy”. This standing room only workshop was a part of the 20th Annual National Service-Learning Conference held in Nashville, Tennessee... Check out the shinnyo-en website at http://www.sef.org

Pulling in the Same Direction.

2009-04-16T15:40:00.000-04:00

It could be said that we all have multiple personalities – certainly most of us have several ‘I’ s that frequently disagree. Let me explain.

I have an intention to meet my daughter for coffee at noon, that is I, Jennifer, has that intention. However, I, Jenny, get busy with emails and loose track of time (a voice in the back of my head says “just one more – you’ve got time!”). Then there’s I, Jen, who feels taking a break to go to the café is something I only deserve to do when I’ve finished certain tasks I had set myself the day before………………

Long story short, I arrive at the café at about ten past noon. ‘No big deal’ you might say. But I, Jennifer, believe in punctuality as a show of respect for the other person, and although I, (Jenny), tell myself to lighten up and I (Jen) justify internally, being late by arguing work is a priority for how else can one pay for the coffee, - I am annoyed with myself – I do not feel good internally, because I am not in agreement within myself; I am not concurring; I am incongruent.

This incongruence takes a lot of energy and attention, energy and attention that is taken away from relationships, work, and life in general. In fact, this incongruence can be so distracting it can even become destructive.

If we are to improve ourselves and our world, we need to give all our attention, intentionally, deliberately, to becoming congruent within ourselves. Only when all our ‘I’s or internal voices agree with each other and have the same intention, can we fully achieve our goals, because only then are we fully focused – a little like all the horses pulling a wagon galloping in the same direction! Only when we become internally congruent, can we create the behaviour - and life – and world that we really want and feel good about. Mastering our emotions is foundational in this process.

A Story

2009-04-02T15:39:00.000-04:00

“Dear God,” he prayed, “let me win the lottery this week. Times are bad. We are all starving and the children need new shoes. Please help. Amen.”

“Dear God,” he prayed again, “we didn’t win the lottery, as you know. I can’t believe that you’d let me down. Things have got a lot worse. We haven’t eaten now for days, the baby is really ill and we’ll lose the house if I don’t get some money soon. Please help. Amen.”

“Dear God,” he prayed once more, “I don’t understand at all. Two weeks have passed since I first prayed to you, and still we haven’t won. We are faint with hunger and exhausted from worry. The bailiffs will be here tomorrow if I can’t pay the rent and then what will become of us? I’m begging you now – I’ll never ask for anything again! Please help, amen.”

“Meet me half way,” came the reply. “Buy a ticket.”

(A Traditional Jewish story)

Brain Freeze ?

2009-03-18T15:38:00.000-04:00

Stress is, as most of us know, an emotional state that is the result of how we perceive a situation in our minds. Stress is not – as many would have us believe – a result of the situation itself.

Stress is the result of our perception and is the body’s reaction to fears, assumptions and more often than not, projections about our future – ‘what if?’s that we conjure up in our minds. The more vivid these images are, the greater the stress will be.

The greater the stress, the more insecure we become about our ability to handle it and the less we believe in our own coping abilities. The result is that the brain shuts down and stress hormones circulate throughout the body.

The more inhibited our brain is, the less we can think clearly and the more likely we are to perceive a situation or the actions of another as stressful. It becomes a never-ending cycle!

To combat this - aside from taking deep breaths -, it may help to remember that we do not have a crystal ball and actually cannot predict the future – much as we would like to! Although it is possible that some not-so-nice things may happen, it is equally possible that great things can happen too. We really don’t know…. And it’s actually okay to not know, because, ironically, the fact that we do not know is one thing we do know for sure Now breathe………..

Serendipity is one of my favourite concepts to focus on, and a focus on serendipity – the possibility of something wonderful happening – will make it much more likely to happen!

When next you feel stress and worry about the future overtaking you, STOP, take 3 slow deep breaths, and imagine your mind opening up to 360 degrees of possibilities. Imagine the most outrageous positive possibility, and allow yourself to enjoy the image for just a moment!

This will switch your brain on, and make you more likely to come up with creative ideas towards a positive potential!